How do I forgive DH

[Jazz12]

I’m 42. Married for over 17yrs. Fell in love in the last year at Uni and had a long distance relationship for a few yrs. Got married quite young. We moved to the same city as DHs parents (for work reasons).
Ever since we got engaged, DHs mum and sister got very insecure. Weirdly competitive and very intrusive. Since DH and I were now living together for the first time, we had a few issues with each other - nothing serious. The two women would extract info from my husband (who stupidly told them everything) and use it to create arguments between us. I was fed up seeing how stupid DH was being, playing into their games and ruining his own marriage. In just 6 months, I was thinking of divorcing him when I realised I was pregnant 🤦‍♀️

The next 1 year was hell. He wouldn’t do anything for me, pick fights for no reason, Not do his share of housework. Just be really mean to me, because apparently I’m a bitch (as fed by MIL and SIL). They were happy to get back control. He broke my heart a million times choosing them over me. When my twins were born, they took over ! It was the most stressful period of my life. They treated me with zero respect. No boundaries. Said nasty things, body shamed me 2 months after I had my babies (size 14). Tried to trick us into letting them choose names! My husband said nothing! And still worse he’d defend them. The things he said then hurt even today.

Luckily, we moved abroad and things started to improve. Because we weren’t seeing inlaws regularly, choosing them over me didn’t happen that often. However, whenever they are around, he’d choose them over me. In a couple of years, I broke all contact with inlaws and stopped them from seeing the kids except under supervision when we visited them. My parents lived in the same city, so I went there. (DH says he allowed this to happen because he cared about me) SIL got married 5yrs ago and my inlaws WORSHIPPED her husband. My husband cannot see the stark contrast! (Or did he think I didn’t deserve that respect?). He spoke to SILs husband very nicely (while she was free to say anything to me). My therapist explained to me that my MIL was a narcissist. My husband simply threw me under the bus to gain her approval.

The many years that followed, till now, I spent resenting my husband. I don’t connnect with him emotionally. There is no friendship, joy or bonding. there is no love. We work as a team with parenting and have conversations that are purely transactional or professional (we are in the same profession). There is a big void in my life and I’m lonely. My feelings never mattered to him. I never mattered to him.

Two years ago, Mil and Fil passed away in quick succession. Now, my husband can see things for what they are. When SIL tried to take mils place, he told her to F off. Too late, too little.
SIL has a beautiful marriage. Her husband adores her. What did I do to deserve this shit show?

My husband thinks everything is fine now, so we should just “be happy”. I don’t get it. I am STILL deeply hurt and I don’t think I’ll ever trust him again to not break my heart. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot not be hurt IYKWIM ?

Ive been through intense emotional stress for most part of these 16yrs. Although I’m financially independent, I did not leave him because I did not have the courage and because the kids adore him.

I really don’t know what to do now. Leaving him is out of question. And what exactly will I gain by leaving him? More loneliness!?? This is so fcuked up. I have zero interest or intention to find another man. I don’t have the energy and patience to fight another battle.

Now to add to this, I realised I’ve coped all along by being in Limerence. My limerent object is a family friend. I broke contacts with them to get rid of limerence but because it’s my coping mechanism, it’s still there. We meet occasionally at mutual friends parties, and I realise there is nothing about this man I am attracted to. He is a nice person, but not my type at all. YET, I’ve been having a stable, loving, deeply affectionate relationship with him IN MY MIND for over 10years.

If you think this is all fcuked up, wait till you hear about my stressful job. I feel like I’m going to die! My mind is a cocktail of different types of stresses.

if anyone has any advise on how to unfcuk my life, pls tell me.

You need to divorce him

He sounds horrible. But at least he sees the errors of his ways. Maybe you can go to counseling to see if you can work thru the resentment - which I don't blame you for having. I'm not sure I would've stayed as long but I know it's tough to leave when kids are in the picture.

He does see things better in hindsight, or he is just “saying” the right things to stay in this marriage. If I leave, his sister will crawl back into his life and start sponging money off him. He knows this. At some level, I “feel” he holds resentment against his sister. I could be wrong though. She is very good at shifting the blame.

I must admit he is a lot more understanding now, treats me with respect and is sometimes even kind. To the point that I wonder what happened to him! As though he is trying to make up for the shit show, I don’t know. Im at a point in life where if my own husband was kind to me, it feels strange.
When I needed him, he was never there. I don’t know if he’ll be there if I ever need him.

When I see couples in love, in long happy marriages, I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness that I can’t shake. I crave to be with someone mine. Truly mine.

And leaving him is out of the question why exactly?

You're financially independent which automatically makes you more fortunate than about 99.9% of the women who post here.

You can't change the past, but the future in entirely in your control. Stop making excuses and take charge of your own life.

The longer you put it off, the more excuses you'll find until one day you'll have enough, look back and wonder why the hell you didn't do it now.

Leaving him is out of question

Don't be ridiculous and so dramatic. Of course it's not out of the question, not whatsoever. Your marriage has been shit from the beginning and you should have left him the first year you were married. Luckily, you can do so now.

Don't waste another day on this man who has never respected you.

Look get some couples counselling to work things through (or not) and spend regular time alone or with others, holidays away, new hobbies, join a weekend walking group and evening classes. Create a little space and a richer personal life independent of him.

I'm curious why being alone is more horrible than being with this man you don't love, who let you down?
I think if you find ways to create some space, (as someone mentioned) and find some things you like to do on your own, you might find being alone can be quite wonderful.
Leaving him is not out of the question... your life can be full when you drop a source of such endless strife.

OP, in sorry. That sounds awful. Spouses should support each other, not put each other down.

You're 42, you have many years ahead of you. If you feel you have no love left for your husband and you can't forgive him, consider leaving. That doesn't mean you need to find new partner. But one day you might want to. Or you'll just enjoy the new found freedom.

If you still have any love and trust left to your husband, you two need therapy or counseling.

It sounds like you should have divorced him a long time ago; make it your New Year’s resolution

This man has hurt you enormously but resentment really is like drinking your own poison

in a way he was a victim of his family but that did not give him the right to do what he did

i am not surprised you have fantasised about another man

i think you both need to go to therapy so that he can be made to understand the long term impact his actions have had on you

i am sad for you that it all continued for so long

DuchessDandelion · "And leaving him is out of the question why exactly?"

^ This! There's no reason to stay with him. I'd rather be alone than with someone like him. It's irrelevant that he's behaving differently now. He didn't when it mattered.

I'm also not sure why leaving him is out i ok f the question.

I've been through some of the same (and some other different) and I'm not financially independent and I'm fighting tooth and nail to end my marriage. It's going to leave me abroad in a shit situation but I will get myself back. Even the process of trying to divorce is bringing some of myself back. My STBX is being nice to me now I have a lawyer and it's heartbreaking because why couldn't he before?

That feeling of not counting, persistently for years, is literally soul destroying. Being treated badly by those who should support you after giving birth is a pain in another level too. There's a reason why it's all really hard to get over, if that's even possible.

Just because you've been together a long time and had children together, doesn't mean you have to be together forever. I'd challenge too the idea that he fully understands what he's done to you. He sees it as something that was bad, but that's in the past now. No, no it's not. It wasn't bad, it was awful. And it's not in the past because you've been conditioned into existing in a state where you're unsupported and don't matter. If he wants to try and undo that, he'd have to not simply be kind now and again, but absolutely come true you, defer to you, put you on a pedestal and pretty much worship the ground you walk in - all the time. It would be uncomfortable as hell for you, but if he did it relentlessly your brain would start to rewire and there'd come a point when you felt secure with him. But it's virtually impossible for anyone to do that relentlessly, so it's not going to happen.

Couples counselling might also work, but he'd have to be ready to listen to what you say and hear how much he's hurt you and how unhappy you are. He'd have to be willing to hear how awful his DM and DS were to you and how he was a pawn. And then he'd need to accept it. And very likely have personal therapy. And not one of those things, all of them. Would he?

You have a choice though: stay like this feeling empty and unhappy, or try to find happiness (I don't mean another man, at least not for a while).

For happiness you also have a choice: try the therapy route together, or branch out alone.

If therapy is not an option then, do not expect him to change much more than he has. Accept this is it. So, do you want the rest of your life to be this?

I read the title and immediately knew my response would be "you don't". But I read your post anyway and my response is the same. Even if you remain single all your life at least you won't have the bitterness eating you up. Leave and enjoy a fulfilling life!

OP, sometimes you can mistake being alone for being lonely.

If you can’t work things out, trialling living on your own (with your children, of course) would probably be best. I have a funny feeling once the dust settles it’ll actually feel good to you. Being alone in your own silence by choice feels a world different than feeling lonely while in a couple.

You sound very capable in all ways to provide for DC on your own. Repairing the wounds he’s caused will most likely take years and a lot of tears and frankly you don’t sound like you have that in you. Nor should you after how long you’ve dealt with this. 42 is the perfect age to be in a new chapter in the prime of your life.

Of course you can’t forgive him, he wasn’t there for you when you needed him most. When you were pregnant, when you had small children etc. It’s not good enough him being nice to you NOW, you needed him to act like a decent person then.
I doubt there is any way your marriage can recover from years of emotional abuse. I think the healthiest thing for you to do mentally might be to finally split from this weak human being.

I could have written this ! Very similar circumstances to what happened/ing in my marriage. More complicated in that my limerance is BIL!

im guessing that your religion plays a part in why you stayed?? Muslim? Apologies if not.

I sense as huge amount of trauma in your relationship, each incident another small t trauma. I get it but with kids it’s difficult to leave, add to that the social stigma etc.

ultimately if there is genuine remorse on your husband part and he acknowledges and changes then you may be able to work it through. Truth is there is never a perfect marriage, even your SIL!! We are feed this idea that it is but humans are complex and need understanding.

You are being unreasonable because you won’t leave.

peace, contentment and self respect are waiting for hours of you leave. Short term pain for long term gain… I promise you there is nothing more lonely than a shit relationship / partner.

you deserve so much better and you have probably become so use to your own negative feelings it has become the norm.

have you tried couples counselling? May help you to really communicate the pain his behaviour caused. May also make you realise that you are better on your own.

You have massive resentment, and it won’t go. The answer is to end it, but if you won’t, I’d suggest you get yourself some talking therapy to help you cope.

You're lucky to be financially independent.

I'm also lonely in a relationship. I decided I'd rather be lonely on my own than with someone else.

Leaving is never out of the question.

Three options:

1. Leave. Live your life and be happy.

2. Get therapy to move past your resentment and see if the marriage is actually salvageable.

3. Put up and shut up.

Personally I’d be leaving but that’s just me. Also who cares if his sister starts fleecing him for money again? That’s his damn look out. Also your kids are growing up with him as a role model for relationships. That’s horrible.

Firstly you are still young at 42.please try and break away you.sound exhausted. Your dh sounds weak and didn't have your back .it will be difficult to have a happy marriage with all this hurt

Thanks everyone. I’m reading all the responses and processing them. I feel blank. I cannot leave him as
Children will be heartbroken, SIL will rip him dry financially in no time. Dry as in bone dry! She is nasty, greedy as fcuk and always busy sponging off others.
Biggest problem is : He is kind and respectful most of the time now. He stopped talking to SIL (he says it’s because I don’t like her. Not because she is a nasty piece of work! You see my point?) He thinks we’ll have a nice marriage by agreeing to everything I say. No! That’s not what I want! I want him to see things as they are! He’ll perhaps never see things as they are, he was brought up to close his eyes and defend MIL/SIL. This is the same man who is in a senior leadership position at work. He analyses data and takes decisions logically. Yet, when it comes to these two women, he becomes blind. No data, no logic! Narcissist influence can be this powerful!

SIL recently has been making plans to steal his inheritance. I can see it, he can’t. After a huge row and multi day arguments marathon, he can finally see. I really have no mental strength left to ruin my health over making him see things that are everyone can already see. I just cannot do these marathon arguments, neither can I shut up and bury my head in sand. I tried to let go a few things and got burnt. If I let go one, SIL will try to reach higher next time. She hates the fact that I have a zero tolerance policy for shlT fcukery and I nip things in the bud.

He stupidly let SIL dip her hands in the pot without doing an inventory first. We’ll never know what she took. (Family heirlooms, MILs jewellery collection etc). SIL always referred to her parents property as “mine”. When her parents bought a new car (for themselves), she put up a pic on fb “My new car”. People congratulAting her etc !! Inlaws gave her a lot of money. She was constantly sponging off. No problem, their daughter their wish. DH never asked, he was also weirdly never given anything. His parents made no wills. So, DH now has an equal share in the estate. They are sorting out probate etc its taking time. In the meanwhile, SIL went to inlaws house because “she needed some jewellery”. This is after they both agreed to keep all the dealings transparent. She’ll say “Oh, you don’t trust me!!”, of course he trusts her! After years of lying, manipulation and deceit, this time it’s different!

Ok, he is now not talking to SIL and is being nice to you. What’s the problem?
The problem is, I don’t trust he’ll see things as they are. It’s not like he’ll never talk to her. She is his sister! One day they’ll talk. Or still worse, he is still talking to her behind my back. (Unlikely, but not impossible. He did this kind of shit before).
Also, the hurt he caused in the past is enormous. my parents say what he is now matters and I need to let go of the past. I have painful scars and wounds. How to I forget them? Can he alter my past and make some beautiful memories to balance out things a bit ?

His sister , his problem.
Kids sound older - when they leave, will you just stay living half a miserable life?
Why would you want to do that to yourself?

I’d rather my children had 2 happy parents apart than 2 miserable parents together.

your husbands behaviour is unforgivable, I couldn’t and wouldn’t stay with a man who treated me with so little respect.

My friends parents divorced when she was 22 and she said she had wished they had done it sooner as her teenage years were miserable with the arguing at home.