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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Skip Christmas lunch

20 replies

Jourdain11 · 23/12/2022 20:24

We (as a family) are supposed to be having Christmas lunch with husband's parents and BiL and his family. They've made quite a celebration of it because it is the first time everyone will have got together for Christmas post-Covid and I was looking forward to it too.

2 days in advance: DD2 has a post-cold inner ear problem (vestibular neuritis) and can be fine for hours and suddenly flags and gets dizzy and sick. She might be fine, but she also might not! She will be a bit gutted if she can't go, but if she goes and feels unwell it would be a bit miserable for her.

DD1 is T1 diabetic and has major OCD, which often manifests itself in anxieties about food - she's got a very limited diet and gets very hung up on her own ever-evolving "food rules". She's getting very agitated about whether there'll be things she can eat, she doesn't want to go, she says she won't be able to eat anything if she goes, etc.

Part of me things it would be better for me to stay home with them both and DH and DS can go to lunch. But it seems a bit miserable! DD2 won't want to miss it and she might well be fine. DD1 very definitely does want to miss it, but I don't really feel that letting her opt out of anything challenging is the answer.

AIBU? Yes - they should both go. No - stay home or at least play it by ear.

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 23/12/2022 20:26

They are pretty flimsy reasons to back out at this stage IMO. Just a load of what ifs. Go, all will be well. And if not then leave early.

wibblewobbleball · 23/12/2022 20:27

Let DD2 know that it's fine if she wants to retreat to a quiet room and lay down if she feels unwell - take her a blanket and iPad or whatever from home that'll make her feel cosy. Ask DD1 what she would like to take with her as a "safe" meal, and that it's totally fine for her to eat it instead of what's on offer. Let your host know both of these things which I'm sure they'll be fine with if you explain. Then crack on and enjoy the day.

Original poster

Jourdain11 · 23/12/2022 20:46

Yeah, that's fair enough. I just don't want either them or anyone else to be made miserable.

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/12/2022 20:48

Completely understand but if you go and all is well it will be a huge win.
you can always go home 🤷‍♀️

Askinforabaskin · 23/12/2022 20:51

Surely there were be somewhere quiet for DD2 to go rest if she isn’t feeling great?

As for DD1 will there be any elements of the meal she will be happy to eat? If absolutely not then I’d bring something she can definitely eat. I can understand her issues, but I don’t think letting her not attend the whole thing because of them will be the right thing to do.

Original poster

Jourdain11 · 23/12/2022 20:53

It will certainly be a huge win for DD1 if she manages to go and be there for the lunch, even if she does eat something we bring instead of the lunch. She gets so stressed about food 😢 DD2 will want to go if she's feeling up to it. It's just been very off-on (fine for hours and then all of a sudden having to lie down and puking everywhere!). She already missed all the end of term stuff at school though and she's monumentally fed up about it, so it would be good for her to do sth nice.

OP posts:

SheWoreYellow · 23/12/2022 20:55

Get your husband to find out what food there will be?

CantFindTheBeat · 23/12/2022 21:02

Is there a separate room either of them can go to if needed?

I've had various issues with chronically ill
DS over the years. I really don't believe that everyone needs to stay around the table/conform/put on a brave face with family.

If you were my family, I'd say come along and relax. If either DD feels poorly or anxious they can take themselves off to XYZ and have some quiet team until/if they feel better.

Original poster

Jourdain11 · 23/12/2022 21:09

There should be a room available; going home is not such an easy option as it's a bit of a drive (30-45 mins). DD2 will be okay as long as she's feeling alright and she has anti-sickness medication which is pretty effective, so even if she gets vertigo she shouldn't be throwing up all of a sudden like she was at first! DD1 finds it a struggle with food even if she's told what's going to be there - I think the idea of a table full of food is scaring her. Perhaps if we bring back up food/snacks it will take the pressure off and she'll find it easier, because she knows there is something on standby if there's nothing else she "can" eat. It's not just fussiness, everything to do with eating and food is loaded with anxiety for her at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jourdain11 · 23/12/2022 21:36

CantFindTheBeat · 23/12/2022 21:02

Is there a separate room either of them can go to if needed?

I've had various issues with chronically ill
DS over the years. I really don't believe that everyone needs to stay around the table/conform/put on a brave face with family.

If you were my family, I'd say come along and relax. If either DD feels poorly or anxious they can take themselves off to XYZ and have some quiet team until/if they feel better.

And thank you, btw - you must be a lovely and considerate host! 😊

OP posts:

CantFindTheBeat · 23/12/2022 21:40

Honestly, OP, your job is to make sure your DDs are comfortable.

There's no value in forcing anyone to sit at a table if they don't feel comfortable.

Let them do their own thing whilst the adults eat and chat. much more relaxing for everyone.

Needmorelego · 23/12/2022 21:51

@Oysterbabe that doesn't sound like 'flimsy' reasons to me - infact the complete opposite.
One child being genuinely ill and one who has complex food issues.
@Jourdain11 if you do go let your eldest daughter choose what food she wants to take and eat and tell her she doesn't have to sit at the table if she doesn't want to.
I have horrible childhood memories of having my mum being really embarrassed by putting some cold sausages bought from home on my plate because that's all I would eat and then feeling awkward because I was just sat there not eating.
My poor mum (who worried about my diet) and totally horrible for me.
If I could have been left in the living room with a jam sandwich and bag of crisps I would have been happy.

Minimalme · 23/12/2022 22:05

Just wanted to say my eldest ds is T1 Diabetic and also developed a food OCD that was very extreme.

I was advised to support him to make whatever changes he needed to feel safe around food. And I did.

For about two years it just got more extreme and he was down to about five 'safe' foods.

Happy to report that my terrified 6-8 year old is now a strapping 15 year old who eats everything and is constantly keen to try new things.

Just wanted to give you some hope OP.

(Also, we used to take food for our ds and eventually his own plate and cutlery when we visited other people's houses).

(Second also, my ds didn't like people breathing near his food so we used to allow him to eat in a separate area. And yes, I'm sure people thought we were bonkers.)

dnaconundrum · 23/12/2022 22:10

As someone with OCD, exposure therapy is the only way forward. She needs to keep being in such situations and you should not be allowing her behaviours, you’ll make the ocd get worse.

Original poster

Jourdain11 · 23/12/2022 22:23

Minimalme · 23/12/2022 22:05

Just wanted to say my eldest ds is T1 Diabetic and also developed a food OCD that was very extreme.

I was advised to support him to make whatever changes he needed to feel safe around food. And I did.

For about two years it just got more extreme and he was down to about five 'safe' foods.

Happy to report that my terrified 6-8 year old is now a strapping 15 year old who eats everything and is constantly keen to try new things.

Just wanted to give you some hope OP.

(Also, we used to take food for our ds and eventually his own plate and cutlery when we visited other people's houses).

(Second also, my ds didn't like people breathing near his food so we used to allow him to eat in a separate area. And yes, I'm sure people thought we were bonkers.)

That's very heartening, thank you for sharing! I think poor DD1 is very anxious about eating the wrong things and getting ill. She was only diagnosed a year back so it's still quite new.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jourdain11 · 23/12/2022 22:26

dnaconundrum · 23/12/2022 22:10

As someone with OCD, exposure therapy is the only way forward. She needs to keep being in such situations and you should not be allowing her behaviours, you’ll make the ocd get worse.

I do get that, but I'm also conscious that I'm not a therapist and I can't treat her - I'm her mother and it's my job to make her life bearable and keep her safe. I know that letting her avoid things which are difficult doesn't help in the long run, but if she has a meltdown and won't eat at all it could cause physical issues rapidly.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 23/12/2022 22:30

How old are they?

Original poster

Jourdain11 · 23/12/2022 22:34

Sorry, realised I didn't say! 10 and 9.

OP posts:

Zombiemum1946 · 23/12/2022 22:35

I would encourage both to go. Our niece was type 1. It was difficult for her initially, but reassurance that whatever she needed would be there and would be part of the day seemed to make a big difference. Give it a go, you can always go home if she's not happy.

OliveWah · 23/12/2022 23:54

I have a DD with OCD too, and understand the anxiety these sort of occasions bring. I would make sure that the host (and any other adults who will be there) are aware of your DD's anxieties, so that no one tries to "helpfully" suggest she tries this or that, or plonks food on her plate without asking, or comments on what she is (or isn't) eating. I know my DD hates anyone outside of our immediate family knowing about her OCD, but I think in this case I would tell the adults but ask them not to let on that they're aware to DD, it should just help to stop any awkwardness on the day (hopefully!)

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