Demanding mum

[Balloonsandroses]

My mum has just moved into sheltered accommodation near us (still 10 miles away / 15 minute drive though) - it’s really nice. I’m trying to support her as much as I can and have seen her several times a day as I know it’s a big move, she doesn’t know anyone else here and she has mental health problems. But she’s driving me up the wall! I saw her this morning for 2 hours, my husband popped in at lunchtime and she’s just phoned me to ask if she’ll be seeing me again today… told her no to which she said “Oh… I would have really liked to but suppose I can’t be an imposition”. We chatted for half an hour then ended the phone call and she said “can you phone me later then?”. Argh! I wish so much I had some siblings!

AIBU to a) feel frustrated b) not go over there again today

You need to put boundaries in place now so she doesn't get used to seeing you 3 times a day. That will be a hard habit to break.

You need to step away to give her space to make friends. Start as you mean to go on!

Maybe next time you go over you can go with her to whatever communal lounge area they have and help her try to make some friends. She’d have company and someone else to chat to

Agree a schedule - if you can sustain visiting every day then commit to ONE visit per day with the phone for emergencies only (only if you can't visit will call for a "proper" chat, otherwise chatting during visits and phone only to communicate urgent information in an emergency).

Honestly a visit on alternate days with a phone call on the days in between is absolutely plenty. You really do need to set expectations. If she genuinely believes two visits in a day plus a half hour phone call is not being an imposition then you need to be very proactive about boundaries or whatever you do will never, ever be enough.

Yep. Set the boundaries. She needs to seek support from professionals if she needs it. She’s in sheltered accommodation so there should be support there too.

Once a day is too much, let alone multiple times a day!

Scale it down to once a day, then every other day from next week.

You need to put boundaries in place now so she doesn't get used to seeing you 3 times a day. That will be a hard habit to break

Absolutely this - and remember that by allowing her to rely on you totally you could be standing in the way of her making her own new friends

Much easier to get the boundaries in place now, even if it brings tears, than to try to change things later

Ugh. My DM moved into "Over 60's" accommodation about 5 minutes away from us, 4 years ago. I was stuck in a similar cycle of seeing her every day and spending hours on the phone to her, talking about nothing. Then, thank the good lord, she got a boyfriend! I see her once a week these days, she's spending Christmas with him and my teenage DDs are relieved not to have to spend so much time with her - as is DH!

It's lovely that you're spending so much time getting her settled in, but I would set her expectations going forward, probably in the New Year. Don't commit to anything that's going to make you resent seeing her, you don't want to feel that way about your DM if you're all she's got. She does need to understand that you have got other priorities to attend to, and although you love her and are happy to spend time with her, you are a busy person and can't do everything - good luck, it's a minefield!

People live so much longer nowadays than they used to and I think it's an area that could do with more attention with a view to helping people navigate it.