To think a relationship can survive different sex drives?

[Goneblank38]

I've been with my husband for the best part of twenty years. He's was my first serious boyfriend and I've never had a meaningful relationship outside of this one. We met when I was 18. We now have two young children.

I have a much higher sex drive than him, which has become more pronounced since we had kids. We currently have no sex life and it's been like this really for years. Our kids were conceived with help from fertility clinics.

I feel so stuck. In the past I understood the discrepancy in our desire as my fault. That I was rubbish in bed, or too excessive or inconsiderate of his uni, work or family stress. I always blamed myself, felt unattractive and unsophisticated. Being older now, I realise that we just have different sex drives and it was never my fault.

I'm open to exploring ways we both can be happy but he's just so shut down. He's currently overweight and unhealthy and refuses to do anything to change. I don't find him attractive, though this could change if our relationship improved. His refusal to engage with this, is making me furious and resentful. He knows how this makes me feel and went so far as going to the doctors last year for a check up but then did absolutely nothing they recommended.

I feel like I spent my youth thinking I was some unattractive perv when really I was a perfectly cute young woman with a total normal sex drive. If I'd just had more confidence in myself perhaps I would have explored more and found greater sexual fulfillment.

I'm almost forty now and feeling caught. I don't want to leave the father of my young children (he's a great dad and the kids love him) but I don't want to be sexless until death! I want to feel attractive to someone, to desire someone myself, to feel sexually fulfilled. I have these sexual fantasies that make me feel like some kind of frustrated teenager rather than a grown woman in an adult relationship and hate that feeling. it makes me feel stunted and immature. This is taking up more and more headspace for me and I'm not sure what to do.

Can a relationship come back from the dead at this point?

In short, no. I'm sorry. Unless you consider something drastic like an open marriage, maybe, or couples councilling to address the problem

Different sex drives is a complete deal breaker for me. One feels they're being denied and the other feels they're being pressured and it's not fun for anyone.

He doesn't want much sex and he's happy that way - asexual even maybe? You can't change him or make him into what you want. So what do you want? If you really want to stay but also want to be feeling desired and having sex then maybe your only option is to suggest an open marriage - it could get messy and complicated though.....but it's that, leave or put up with the status quo I guess.