Dodgy messages..

onyourbill · 2022-12-22T20:28:48+00:00

I’ve had a rough couple of months. I’ve gone from being a very active person, ran a marathon last year, to being admitted to hospital 5 weeks ago with a completely numb body and now diagnosed with MS. I’m married with a DD, a couple of weeks ago, I inadvertently saw some messages on my DH work laptop ( in our front room and was literally left unlocked and it was there glaring at me). It was from a colleague of his and the gist I got of it was showing off about how far he had run that day and talking about my recent diagnosis. I didn’t confront him about it as I have a lot of male friends but this just felt different. Tonight, I’ve had 2, yes 2, beers and confronted him. As a result, I’ve been told I’ve had a beer and therefore being dramatic. After 10 years of marriage I feel there are red flags all over the shop. AIBU?????

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 22/12/2022 20:29

You confronted him for talking about his running and his unwell wife to a colleague?
Is there a drip feed coming?

Original poster

onyourbill · 22/12/2022 20:31

To add, there were numerous messages going back and forth with one stating from her that
“I need to accept my diagnosis”. I’ve never met her and she wouldn’t know me if she fell over me.

OP posts:

dontputitthere · 22/12/2022 20:32

I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis. But I don't get what he's said that's upset you so much?

July70 · 22/12/2022 20:33

Lets have the full SP then we will see.

Based on what you said, I don't know.

Original poster

onyourbill · 22/12/2022 20:35

It feels pretty convoluted TBF and a lot has happened. I completely understand that he needs to speak to other people, I’d encourage him to do that as right now, we don’t know what the future holds for me. But the tone was just off, completely off.

OP posts:

ChessieDarling · 22/12/2022 20:35

Based on what you’ve said, I cannot see any reason for you to be worked up like this.

KrisAkabusi · 22/12/2022 20:36

There's going to be a massive drip feed. Because there's nothing wrong with him saying he'd been for a run and that you're not well. You might be annoyed with the friend, but your husband is allowed to have a normal conversation!

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 22/12/2022 20:38

I’m usually the first to say LTB but unless there’s a massive drip feed about to drop then YABU.
I hope your health improves!

Original poster

onyourbill · 22/12/2022 20:38

Ok, can I just make it clear. I don’t remotely have an issue with him talking to anyone if it helps him.

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Dacadactyl · 22/12/2022 20:42

I also think you are being unreasonable based solely off what you've said.

dontputitthere · 22/12/2022 20:45

I mean this kindly but perhaps this diagnosis has knocked your confidence/sense of self and perhaps you're reading more into this than there is?

I'm just trying to get some perspective. My dad has MS and it has been a tough time for us all to adjust. (But prognosis good and you sound much younger and fitter than him!)

Do you think that's a possibility?

It's hard for us all to say without the context of the messages. But on the face of it I don't see anything concerning. How has he been with you since the diagnosis?

susiesuelou · 22/12/2022 20:48

onyourbill · 22/12/2022 20:31

To add, there were numerous messages going back and forth with one stating from her that
“I need to accept my diagnosis”. I’ve never met her and she wouldn’t know me if she fell over me.

To be fair that comment by her would piss me off. But I'd struggle to find anything to be annoyed at DH about?

PurplePeach62 · 22/12/2022 20:51

I think - and I say this as someone who grew up with MS ruling my 60's childhood as my dad was very ill with it from my earliest memories- that a 5 weeks diagnosis is very early for you and your family to take the news in.
Maybe your DH felt he needed to talk to someone outside the immediate family about it.
Saying that I can only guess that you are still in shock and feeling angry and after a few beers I can understand the feeling of betrayal you feel after seeing your DH has been talking to someone else about you.
Tell him he needs to talk to you about it and that you need his support and not that of a random colleague .
Wishing you all the very best OP

flyinghearts · 22/12/2022 20:56

Are you concerned that it's an emotional affair? Or that he's confiding in her with something private?
It's inappropriate on her part to say you need to accept your diagnosis - like you say, you don't even know her and she doesn't know you.

hadtoomuchsleep · 22/12/2022 21:04

For what it's worth I'd be pissed off too. With both of them. To take his concerns about your health to another women outside the marriage would seem very disloyal to me. 🤍

PainfulAnkles · 22/12/2022 21:10

Are you a private person (not judging, I am too), is that why you are upset?

I would hate someone / anyone talking about my illness without my permission, it’s no one else’s business.

And the you should just accept it would make my blood boil also!

Original poster

onyourbill · 22/12/2022 21:11

hadtoomuchsleep · 22/12/2022 21:04

For what it's worth I'd be pissed off too. With both of them. To take his concerns about your health to another women outside the marriage would seem very disloyal to me. 🤍

Thank you! Exactly this. I completely understand that he needs to be supported, and I want him to be supported. But these messages were just not quite right. A woman who has never met me claiming that I need to accept it, in actual fact - I’ve been super calm all things considered. And for DH to be quite simply showing off about how far he had run that day and her response. Very cringeworthy and very off considering the situation that our family is currently in.

OP posts:

Original poster

onyourbill · 22/12/2022 21:12

flyinghearts · 22/12/2022 20:56

Are you concerned that it's an emotional affair? Or that he's confiding in her with something private?
It's inappropriate on her part to say you need to accept your diagnosis - like you say, you don't even know her and she doesn't know you.

Precisely what I feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

onyourbill · 22/12/2022 21:13

PurplePeach62 · 22/12/2022 20:51

I think - and I say this as someone who grew up with MS ruling my 60's childhood as my dad was very ill with it from my earliest memories- that a 5 weeks diagnosis is very early for you and your family to take the news in.
Maybe your DH felt he needed to talk to someone outside the immediate family about it.
Saying that I can only guess that you are still in shock and feeling angry and after a few beers I can understand the feeling of betrayal you feel after seeing your DH has been talking to someone else about you.
Tell him he needs to talk to you about it and that you need his support and not that of a random colleague .
Wishing you all the very best OP

Thank you for being so kind and understanding, feels daunting at the moment but day by day, I’m getting my head around it.

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ouch321 · 22/12/2022 21:21

YABU quite clearly

chevvyroo · 22/12/2022 21:28

You poor thing. Keep talking to your husband. The diagnosis is so new and daunting, you're entitled to be unsure about what you read, what with all you have going on.

Name99 · 22/12/2022 21:35

I have MS and when I was diagnosed my relationship with my then partner really struggled.
My mental health really suffered and I behaved very out of character.
I developed resentful thoughts towards him as he didn't seem to understand what the diagnosis meant.
Have you contacted the MS society, they offer counselling which maybe of help.

I split with him eventually but I'll never forget how alone and scared I was after being diagnosed as he just didn't get it and offered me no support.

Delandra · 22/12/2022 21:35

The snippets you saw seem insensitive. And it would annoy me if someone I didn’t know stamped their opinion on the situation. The comment “she has to accept the diagnosis” when it’s only been 5 weeks in to what is a complex health condition is arrogant. Ok, the messages weren’t intimate but I can understand why you’re upset.