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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm a bad gift giver?

21 replies

Olive180 · 22/12/2022 17:05

I'm coming to the conclusion I just don't understand gifting, and that I'm a bad buyer of presents, particularly at Christmas.

I personally like practical gifts that I'll actually use or enjoy. These are the kinds of gifts I give too, as I'm very environmentally conscious.

But other people just seem to love and want pointless tat? Supported by the fact nobody ever gets me anything I ask for at Christmas and buys me useless tat instead. Eg. Instead of getting me some flower bulbs or useful tools or plant pot for my new garden, which is what I asked for, DP has totally ignored me, and DP's (adult) brother has got me... a large metal frog garden ornament? Completely useless.

Last Christmas I bought DP's 90yo gran a nice toiletries bag with Lush soap, a lip balm and hand cream, as she was going for surgery and needed residential care for a few weeks afterwards. She appeared to be baffled by this gift, but absolutely loved this stupid light up penguin thing her other (adult) grandson bought her?! What am I not getting here?

OP posts:

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 22/12/2022 17:10

I'm the same as you, OP!

Augend23 · 22/12/2022 17:10

I don't get this either OP. I have had the odd ornamental thing that I have really liked but they were things like a hand painted picture.

Otherwise I want things that are either a practical thing I didn't know I needed or a more luxurious version of a thing I would otherwise buy. So I really love my microplane grater and my vacuvin for practical but didn't know I needed it gifts, and I have some gorgeous luxury pyjamas that make me super happy but which are fancier than I can really justify.

For people where you don't know that a is a satisfactory option, b is generally safer in my eyes, as a half way house between practical and not. But I would have classed the wash bag and nice soap in that category I think.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/12/2022 17:15

It’s just different tastes and demonstrates that “thoughtful” is on the eye of the beholder and not the giver. Gran obviously prefers ornaments over toiletries. I avoid buying toiletries as gifts (unless people specifically ask for them) because most adults have a preference for brands they know don’t irritate their skin / leave their hair greasy / smell terrible to them - if I received Lush hand cream and lip balm I’d put on a polite smile but I wouldn’t think them a good gift and would give them to a charity shop. Many people also think a gift should be a “treat” rather than functional like gardening tools (though I’d happily buy gardening stuff for somebody who really wanted it.)

ColdHandsHotHead · 22/12/2022 17:20

I prefer the gifts you chose to the ones you were given. I often give people bulbs or plants, for example. I can't think of anything nicer. If I were buying someone a garden ornament, it would be a fancy flower pot or birdbath, rather than a decoration.

Buzzinwithbez · 22/12/2022 17:26

I've asked for books for Christmas and some CBD oil. Nice and practical.
Other years I've wanted thermals and a dressing gown.
Toiletries would be wasted on me as I am quite specific with what I use.
I like practical things or food.

I only have a small family and we seem to have all given up on frivolous gift giving in favour of asking what people want.

Lkydfju · 22/12/2022 17:30

With gifts you have to put yourself in the persons shoes and think what they like and not what you think is a good gift: sounds like your DP makes the same mistake.
I like things that are useful but a bit luxurious; more so than what I might buy myself but I know other people like things I might find useless so I get them that

Fairislefandango · 22/12/2022 17:37

It's not about whether practical gifts or frivolous ones are better, it just depends on what people want and like. A gift isn't pointless tat if it's wanted by the recipient, whatever you might think of it. The only way to get this right is to either know the recipient's taste or to do wish lists.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 22/12/2022 17:42

Surely it's just a matter of taste. I don't really like getting bath stuff as I prefer to stick to the particular products I know I like so for me that wouldn't be a great gift. Other people would love it. If the light up penguin brings her joy then it's not stupid or pointless is it? Likewise it might make someone happy to have a giant frog ornament in their garden but for you it's annoying tat.

It sounds like people don't bother to get you gifts you like and maybe you haven't managed it with other people either. Gift giving is tricky for people you don't know well (although you'd hope your husband would know you better or have the sense to listen to what you tell him you want).

ScarlettSunset · 22/12/2022 17:43

I am probably a terrible gift giver. I like to know exactly what people will really want before I get anything, which probably rather ruins any surprises.
But the gifts I most hated receiving were the ones from my ex who just bought exactly what he wanted with the intention of being able to use it himself. THAT was a bad gift giver!

yellowsmileyface · 22/12/2022 17:45

It's not that you're bad at gift giving. People are just different.

If your BIL is like me, he probably thought that garden tools aren't a very fun or exciting present, and thought the ornament (which is still a garden accessory) would be a nice surprise.

My brother always asks for practical gifts. I get him what he asks for but I often think "but that won't be very fun or exciting to open on Christmas day!" I personally prefer fun and quirky presents. As I say, people are different.

Ourlittleharmonica · 22/12/2022 17:47

I hear you, OP. I like practical things too and I don't have the space to hang ornaments or novelty things. Last year I asked my DM for book tokens only and she said "but that's so boring" and proceeded to give me a novelty mug, a framed picture, a tumbler, a big angel ornament and a candle holder. And no book tokens! She spent a fortune and I felt awful about it. Lovely items but it's just more "stuff" isn't it

Stompythedinosaur · 22/12/2022 17:55

YANBU to like what you like.

YABU to be unpleasantly superior about what others like.

If gran doesn't like practical gifts and you buy her practical gifts, then yes, that isn't being a good gift giver.

Original poster

Olive180 · 22/12/2022 18:05

The gran's gift may not have been the best example to be fair, I find elderly people extra hard to buy for. But in context she loves soap, and it was a mildly scented Lush one that was bear shaped I think. Either way, she was clearly underwhelmed with the whole thing 😂She's getting a teddy bear hot water bottle this year, DP picked it. I give up.

OP posts:

Allsnotwell · 22/12/2022 18:09

I also like the practical gifts and loath the advice on here for flowers/soap/candles/ totally waste of money!

Original poster

Olive180 · 22/12/2022 18:10

Stompythedinosaur · 22/12/2022 17:55

YANBU to like what you like.

YABU to be unpleasantly superior about what others like.

If gran doesn't like practical gifts and you buy her practical gifts, then yes, that isn't being a good gift giver.

Oh no I'm not feeling superior, although I can see that's how it may have come across now. I'm just wondering if I'm just going about gifting the wrong way and how to change my approach if so! The last thing I want is gifting things that people hate and throw away.

OP posts:

NatWestPigFamily · 22/12/2022 18:20

Ourlittleharmonica · 22/12/2022 17:47

Same here, was asked what I wanted by my brother, asked for a £10 book voucher and he refused to get it for me because he thought it was boring! Bought me something to dry my nails with… I never paint my nails!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/12/2022 18:20

I totally agree. I asked for:
house slippers, a house coat, liquid bath soap and chocolate mints.
Also asked for someone to change out lightbulbs in ceiling fixture.
What I got:
a sofa blanket, a dozen red roses, a container of salt and vinegar peanuts and a stepladder to reach the ceiling.
I am 70. My ladder climbing days are over.

ColdHandsHotHead · 22/12/2022 18:24

Allsnotwell · 22/12/2022 18:09

I also like the practical gifts and loath the advice on here for flowers/soap/candles/ totally waste of money!

I wouldn't say either soap or candles were not practical!

DrManhattan · 22/12/2022 18:51

Tell you what is worse - when someone asks you what you would like, you tell them and then they buy you something else!
What's all that about?

Original poster

Olive180 · 22/12/2022 20:05

I honestly don't know @DrManhattan . If someone tells me explicitly what they want I will get exactly what they want!

Everyone I know has got exactly what they asked for this year. My 18yo sister is into knitting and asked me for wool. I think that's great even if I felt a bit weird wrapping up 10 balls of wool for a teenager! But I'd never dream of getting her something totally random she didn't ask for that feel an 18yo would like better.

OP posts:

OliveWah · 22/12/2022 20:56

YANBU. My gift from my BIL arrived today; a hamper of cheese. I bloody hate cheese. I have been with DH for 20 years and BIL has known me all these years and is well aware of my hatred for the sweaty, yellow, stinky stuff - I have an Amazon wishlist if he was stuck for ideas, so it seems odd to get me something he knows I actively dislike (unless this is his way of telling me he actively dislikes me...)!

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