To think they should have told me about the divorce sooner

[Tiggal]

I have a very long and difficult situation with my mother but I’ll try to keep it as concise as possible.

my mother was emotionally abusive when I was a child. It was bad enough that when I was 17 I left home to live in a hostel just to get away from her.

Over the years I have attempted to maintain some sort of relationship with her because she’s my mum after all. Nothing ever changed though and when she started to treat my own children in the same way as she treated me I cut contact with her. My siblings and extended family thought I was being unreasonable and it really impacted our relationships.

I have just found out that a year ago my father left her. I have a 2 siblings and a large extended family and they have known for all of this time and not one person told me. It might be that I am being unreasonable but I just feel that someone could have at least mentioned it to me. There’s nothing I could really have done but I feel excluded from my own family.

Btw I know I may well be unreasonable but I just need some perspective

Are you not in contact with your father either?

I’m nc with a family member and tbh I don’t really want updates on them.

no, he felt I disrespected my mum and so wouldn’t talk to me.

It sounds like you don't have contact with any of them.

If you saw your siblings over that time and they kept quiet, YANBU. If you weren't in touch with them in the past year, I think YABU to be kept in the loop after you chose to walk away.

I do have contact with my siblings and my aunts and uncles.

Since you were NC with her everybody else probably assumed you didn't want to hear about her either. Did you ever ask them how your mother was since you went NC?

I did ask about my father every time I saw or spoke to my siblings and nobody told me.

I can see how I might be being unreasonable.

I just feel so excluded by my siblings and extended family. It broke my heart when I fell out with my mum but I had no choice. I feel like they are all punishing me because I stood up to my mum when she was being awful to my children. It feels so unfair

Is there any way to get in contact with your father on his own?

Thing is if everyone thought you were at fault for cutting her off when her own husband walked out on her, they would think he's at fault for leaving. So rather than talk about your father, even if it is their own father, it is easier for them to brush everything under the carpet.

Sorry OP but from what you have written it does sound like you have strained relationships with all your family as a result of your disagreements with your mother. As such, I think your expectations on any of them reaching out to you are probably misplaced. Whilst I understand how you feel, expecting to be kept up to date on the lives of people you have fallen out with and gone NC is not realistic.

I just don’t understand why I’m the bad guy when my mum is the one guilty of child abuse?

I completely get it. It’s like being abused by your mother again but this time it’s your whole family in on it. Your mother doesn’t own all your family relationships but the rest are obviously too afraid to rock the boat and it’s suits everyone for you to be the ‘troublemaker’. Of course it’s really hurtful.

This^^. It’s very strange that they didn’t tell you.

I think you have every right to be hurt. One of your siblings should have told you, unless your parents swore them to secrecy ...and even then, they should have warned you.

It all sounds a bit dysfunctional and definitely not the norm.

Don't let it spoil you Christmas. x

They don't see her as an abuser.

You need to find out yourself why your dad left by contacting him and talking to him. Be aware because it isn't actually any of your business - you only need to know they are separated - he may not tell you.

It’s very odd they didn’t tell you. Anyone who grew up in a typical, loving household will tell you that.

But I guess they all grew up with the same mother, which means they’ll all have their own baggage, and maybe just not know, what is ‘normal,’ in these situations. So, maybe, no one is being unreasonable. Including you.

They didn't tell you because it vindicates you. Someone else got sick of her too.

You wrote what I was trying to put across politely to the OP.

That's why OP you should contact your dad directly and not ask your siblings about him, why he left, etc

You talk about "child abuse" and your mother's "emotional abuse" of you. Did your siblings not have the same treatment? Just wondering why they're still in contact with her if so, or is it that your "emotional abuse" was someone else's "strict discipline"?
If your siblings are in regular contact with your mother, and you're the only one who isn't, perhaps they consider yours is an over reaction to whatever went on in your childhood and don't see why they should be letting you know your mother's business when you've no relationship with her now. What use would the information be to you? You wouldn’t be likely to contact her to offer sympathy and support would you?

YABU, since you are the one to end contact. It seems the other members of your family don't agree with your perception of your mother as abusive (rightly or wrongly) and don't want to get involved in your falling out.

It's common for abusers to pick 1 child and leave the others alone, be a "perfect parent" even. Scapegoat vs golden child.

Scapegoat is never believed and is never good enough, always excluded and on the outside. That's the role that's been chosen for them.

My brother seems unable to admit my mum was anything less than perfect growing up. Our relationship is strained as a result. I've given up trying to convince him of my reality and now I just say "these are my feelings and this is not about you" and change the topic.

Have you actually asked them why nobody told you?