Hello
Me and my husband have been together for 10 years and married for 5. We were both students when we met. I fell in love with him instantly and we really hit it off. I dont know when things changed but they did a long time ago. When we met, I had a problem with his communication. He is dyslexic and hates texting / messaging. He sometimes has no filter (which I feel is getting worse with age) and he will say some really rude things to friends / family without realising. He sometimes will try and prove me wrong, not all the time, but if I tell a story to friends he will say "that didnt happen like that" etc. He isnt doing it to be mean, I genuinely think he has no filter. We also have different personalities, we didnt when we met, but we have now.
He likes going to his bed very early but can find the time to stay up (not often) with his friends to play games. He is really mood and grumpy too. I sometimes think i am not a very nice person in his company and feel down.
We havent really had any intimacy. In the last 2 years, we have probably slept together 4 times. I dont like when he touches me, kisses me, I dont find it enjoyable.
We have attended counselling, he moved out for a few weeks and we tried going on dates nights to see if we could get by this. Date nights were awkward. Counselling would turn into an arguments. He has said for the last 6 months he feels depressed. But refuses to change job (this has caused alot of stress). He did get help but only attended 3 sessions. I never asked what was discussed but he told me his therapist said being "hard" (i.e. turned on) is a big compliment and I shouldnt make it sinful. I hate how a cuddle, a kiss, anything makes him hard and he thinks he is getting sex.
Anyway, we agreed to split, I asked to talk, we spoke and he said he didnt see a way out. We agreed we would talk in a few more days. Before he left, I gave him a cuddle and he kissed me. I kissed him back and he tried to intiate sex. I told him no but he told me to "embrace it". I didnt. When he came round a few days ago, he was walking behind me going upstairs and slapped my bum. I asked what he was doing and he said "why cant I touch my wife", I said he can but did he really think that was the best thing to do, during all these discussions?
I said to him that I want and need the bare minimum. I want someone to talk to me, be genuinely interested in my day, to miss me, want to be with me etc. I said in return I will show him more affection; cuddling, kissing etc but I said, quite clearly, I cannot have sex with you, until I feel my needs are being met. He wasnt happy with this and said he cant do anymore with me and that he had tried.
I called him last night and asked if he really wanted to throw all these years down the pan, I said all that I am asking for is the bare minimum. He said he needs to work on himself and he cant keep going around in circles. I said I wanted to help him through his depression but need to know that he can give me the bare minimum when he is better. He said he didnt know and that in this mind we are seperated. He said he needs to move on and wants to start a family in the future, which he doesnt know if we will ever do as I dont want to sleep with him. He said we should go no contact over christmas and new year and only get in touch with each other if we really have to. He said my phone call "annoyed him" and he felt "angry". He said he appreciates everything I said and was certainly food for thought. I asked when he wanted to get solicitors involved. He said after Christmas as we cant do it now. I asked if he wanted to be legally seperated asap, he said yes, but our minds can change at anytime. He said he needs space to work on himself at the moment as he is in a black hole.
I guess, I want to know that he wants me and is willing to fight. I know he is ill but I havent felt that in a while.
In the meantime, a colleague, told me months ago that he had feelings for me. I confided in him alot about my marriage. He said I am not happy and have to leave, not for him but for me. I ended up getting close to him and sharing very imtimate details. It was nice having someone ask about my day, asking me things I had told them about previously. It has been nice to feel wanted too. Colleague said he hasnt met anyone like me before and said he would never tell me to leave my marriage but he sees how unhappy I am. He said there are other people out there that could make me happy, him being one. He said he is falling for me everyday and although I say the same back, I am thinking about husband.
I told Colleague me and husband have split and he asked my Christmas plans. I said see family. He asked if he could spend christmas eve with me to cheer me up. He has since told me, he has made me a christmas eve box - as he remembered I told him I never had one as a kid. I told him I was thinking about my DH and got in touch with him. Colleague said I have broken his heart and I need to figure out what I want. I went to colleagues house a few weeks ago, just for a coffee, honestly, his phone lit up when he was in the bathroom. I checked it as I dont know if he is too good to be true. It was a text from his friend asking if he wanted to grab a pint that night. He said no, that I was coming round for a coffee. His friend asked if my relationship complications were all sorted. He replied "hopefully, I dont want to push/ask her too much, she is hurting. I will always be here for her. I dont want to get ahead of myself but I think she is the one, she has to put her own happiness first". His friend replied telling him not to think like that and that I might hurt him, he then said "I am willing to take that risk, I've never felt like this about anyone, I want to support her, but not influence her decision. I can see me marrying this girl one day".
Colleague makes me so happy. I could sit in his company for hours. Comfortable silences. Chatting for hours about anything and everything. He is a bit older and he is a very handsome man. He is very caring and thoughtful. Nothing has happened between us except talks and the odd cuddle/kiss on cheek. When I see colleague I just want to rip his clothes off as I find him incredibly attractive and sexy. Just little things, colleague genuinely was worried on my day off, when I hadnt texted him back or wasnt online for a day. He geninely cares about me. When I spend anytime with Colleague, it is bliss. I dont think about all my marriage issues or anything, it is just me and him.
WIth my husband, he is a very good looking guy. However, I dont want to have sex with him. I havent had that urge in years. I cant tell if this is his depression but I was late to work one day, my work called him and he didnt care. Didnt ask me about it and it just left his mind. When I am with DH I think about my colleague, not because he turns me on etc. But I just think about him as I miss him and he is constantly on my mind. But why do I want DH to give me the bare minimum, why cant I walk away?!
I hate that it is Christmas but I don't know what to do
My mum and sister said that I need to leave my marriage and that my colleague sounds like the one for me. I dont know if I am just getting caught up in a fairytale and now he is distancing himself as it feels like "other man" territory and he doesnt want to be a secret. My husband doesnt want to fight, or cant, and I dont know if I should. Afterall, in sickness and in health. I just want someone to tell me what to do, or to wake up and not have this to deal with.
What do you think??