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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unhappy with Bf ex girlfriends as friends

20 replies

Livelifelaughter · 22/12/2022 12:03

My bf and I have been dating 6 months. He has a small number of male friends and a few female friends. All the female friends bar one or two are ex girlfriends (say about 4). I trust him but I still feel uncomfortable about it. We are both in our late 40s. I have said if they are his friends than they should be people that I can get to know too, not every time he sees them, but perhaps after they have caught up over lunch I could meet them for a drink. He thinks it would be really awkward because the dynamic would be different, and I suspect he is just used to seeing them alone. I have also said that I don't mind him seeing them for lunch or evening drinks but again I find myself uncomfortable about dinner -it feels like a date. He had a very long relationship with one woman who lives is Canada, she is going to be in town for an hour and he intends to meet her even though he will have to travel 3 total hours to do and that irks me, he says she is a very good friend now He treats me really well in all respects but I find his need/wish to spend time with ex girlfriends who he actually actively doesn't want me to meet as upsetting. He says he genuinely can't understand my issue and wouldn't have the same feeling if I did the same. I have male friends but I tend to see them with their families so the issue just doesn't arise. AIBU?

OP posts:
WeAreAllLionesses · 22/12/2022 12:45

People have had lives before their current relationship. Why on earth would you need to meet his exes?

If you don't trust him, finish it. If you do, accept he will spend time with other people on occasion.

PainfulAnkles · 22/12/2022 12:49

I don’t understand why he keeps them as a collection like this.
It’s weird.
Red flag he doesn’t want you to meet them, if they are ’just friends’ there should be no problem meeting them.
But like I said, men who keep memorabilia like this are often weirdos / poor boundaries / want women to oretty much baby them.

WeAreAllLionesses · 22/12/2022 14:10

PainfulAnkles · 22/12/2022 12:49

I don’t understand why he keeps them as a collection like this.
It’s weird.
Red flag he doesn’t want you to meet them, if they are ’just friends’ there should be no problem meeting them.
But like I said, men who keep memorabilia like this are often weirdos / poor boundaries / want women to oretty much baby them.

Fuck me, how insulting is that??

'Memorabilia'?!

JoyfulGirl · 22/12/2022 14:15

Being friends with his exes is fine. Insisting that you don’t meet them is a bit shady. Have you been introduced to his male friends?

ThisSolstice · 22/12/2022 14:15

Some weird attitudes on this thread. Two of my closest friends are my former boyfriends, and those are definitely primarily one-on-one friendships DH isn’t usually involved in — we often have dinner together. I went to NY with one of them for a few days just before Covid. And DH is also good friends with some of his exes — last night he had dinner with one, and saw another who is just visiting over Christmas for lunch at the weekend. In neither case are these people ‘memorabilia’, they’re valued friends.

gannett · 22/12/2022 14:17

He had a very long relationship with one woman who lives is Canada, she is going to be in town for an hour and he intends to meet her even though he will have to travel 3 total hours to do and that irks me

An hour and a bit each way is standard travelling time if this is in London and when friends from different countries are in town I wouldn't think twice of it - it might be the only time I get to see them in many years. Why would it irk you?

I would want to meet my partner's friends though. Not because of any suspicions but because I like meeting people who are important to someone I love. And I think it's a bit weird that he'd straight-up refuse (obviously in the case of someone in town briefly, that's understandable because they only have limited time to catch up).

But like I said, men who keep memorabilia like this are often weirdos / poor boundaries / want women to oretty much baby them.

Staying friends with people you like is not "collecting" them like "memorabilia" FFS. Batshit post.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 22/12/2022 14:25

I have many male friends - some are exes - whom I meet for dinner or drinks etc. I’d be happy for a partner to come along occasionally but not after just 6 months. I’d still be testing the water with them and only allowing them into very restricted parts of my wider life. You’re just dating at 6 months and anyone who was ‘irked’ at me meeting an old boyfriend for an hour - especially one who lived overseas - would swiftly be dumped.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 22/12/2022 14:25

Female friends, even ex girlfriends would be absolutely fine with me. I don't see why you can't meet them though. It's normal to introduce partners to friends.

WhyCantYourPartnerDoIt · 22/12/2022 14:57

He probably not introducing you because you’re so clingy.

IamnotSethRogan · 22/12/2022 15:16

I don't think not wanting to hanging out the 3 of you is necessarily a red flag. You're clearly already uncomfortable about the idea of him being friends with them and if he only sees them once every few years or whatever I can understand him wanting to have a proper catch up as opposed to trying to make sure you feel alright all the time.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 22/12/2022 15:21

IamnotSethRogan · 22/12/2022 15:16

I don't think not wanting to hanging out the 3 of you is necessarily a red flag. You're clearly already uncomfortable about the idea of him being friends with them and if he only sees them once every few years or whatever I can understand him wanting to have a proper catch up as opposed to trying to make sure you feel alright all the time.

It's more like he meets them every few weeks not years ! I have met his male friends. I think the issue for me is that these exes are described as very good friends yet I don't meet them...

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 22/12/2022 15:25

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 22/12/2022 14:25

Female friends, even ex girlfriends would be absolutely fine with me. I don't see why you can't meet them though. It's normal to introduce partners to friends.

I haven't an issue with the female friends it's the numerous ex girlfriends who far out number them and it's really the issue about not meeting them just to say Hi etc or having them over to a dinner party...

OP posts:
Wisteriaroundthedoor · 22/12/2022 15:28

You simply can’t be serious. I am so cringing. You are asking if you can come too to meet her after lunch, wtf. On what planet is that ok. It’s like the insecure and jealous persons guide to marking your territory

honestly, get some help or get out this relationship

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 22/12/2022 15:30

JoyfulGirl · 22/12/2022 14:15

Being friends with his exes is fine. Insisting that you don’t meet them is a bit shady. Have you been introduced to his male friends?

He’s not insisting she doesn’t meet them and I’m sure if it’s a couples social event she could. Asking if she can come along to meet her after they had lunch is doing two things, it’s marking your territory and sussing her out and it’s cringe as fuck

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 22/12/2022 15:32

These are women who have been in his life for a long time, and you are a woman who is very new to his life. I think you either have to accept that he has friendships like these or accept that he's not the man for you.

Most of my friends are men, just because of work and hobbies. I often do things like go for lunch or dinner with them, and it's fine because we're all grown ups who are quite capable of enjoying one another's company without any ulterior motives.
I've no issue with my husband meeting any of my friends and they certainly aren't secret friendships, but I'd be pissed off if he insisted on tagging along to dinner because it just smacks of distrust.

Similarly, if one of my friends was here for a short time from overseas I'd probably travel a few hours to see them and think nothing of it.

dogtheted · 22/12/2022 15:35

My DH goes for a curry once a month with his ex! They're great friends. I don't go, it's their friendship and they have their own history.

I'm fine with it. They're hardly going to be having a monthly shag in the Indian restaurant loos.

If he was going to her house alone weekly I might be slightly concerned, but going out together is fine.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 22/12/2022 15:42

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 22/12/2022 15:28

You simply can’t be serious. I am so cringing. You are asking if you can come too to meet her after lunch, wtf. On what planet is that ok. It’s like the insecure and jealous persons guide to marking your territory

honestly, get some help or get out this relationship

Really? So when I meet a male friend and ask my bf to come along to say " hello" at the end that's weird and cringey too ?

OP posts:
Wisteriaroundthedoor · 22/12/2022 15:45

Livelifelaughter · 22/12/2022 15:42

Really? So when I meet a male friend and ask my bf to come along to say " hello" at the end that's weird and cringey too ?

Show quote history

No, that’s fine. It’s the asking to come when not invited that’s weird and cringey. If your boyfriend asked to come with you it would be equally weird snd cringe/

dogtheted · 22/12/2022 15:48

But you don't have to be friends with all of each others friends do you?

I haven't met some of DH friends.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 22/12/2022 15:51

dogtheted · 22/12/2022 15:48

But you don't have to be friends with all of each others friends do you?

I haven't met some of DH friends.

Agree...but someone who is described as a close or old friend I would like to meet, simply because if they matter in my bfs life I would want to at least meet them at some point..

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