Am I a mug?

[Tinkerbelltilly89]

My husband and I both have full time jobs, he has recently taken a promotion which has drastically increased the hours he is working. He will ofen work until midnight and will be doing some hours over the weekend. Not included in his contact they are all extra so not paid overtime or anything.
I do 90% of the housework - I do all the cooking, dishes after, cleaning and all the house admin (appointments, school trips etc...)
The only thing he does is put the washing on, it then gets dumped in the ironing pike for me to sort. Oh and also does his own ironing.
Last weekend I was having a big clean of the house, he stood ironing his own clothes for the whole time, I asked him to do one of my dresses and he refused.
He has always been like this so not a new thing down to the new job.
We are hosting 12 people for Christmas dinner and I asked him to get some spare chairs from the loft, he has said he is too busy today!!!!
Am I an absolute mug? Am I petty to be genuinely thinking about ending the marriage because I get absolutely no help. Feels like it's not a great reason but I hosnelty am so fed up.

From experience, when you realise that you are – or ask yourself if you are – a mug for doing and putting up with so much, it's time for the relationship to end. I say that because I don't believe such a person can change. You do most things in the household but he refuses to iron one item for you when he's a) already ironing and b) only ironing his own clothes as is his habit? Do you think you can change somebody like this?

With people like this, if you are not running yourself into the ground by doing all of the housework, you are going to be running yourself into the ground by asking and asking and asking the person to please "help" with the housework. And by the time you've succeeded in wrangling them into doing it, you might just as well have done it yourself and saved yourself the time and effort it took to get them to do the thing, as well as any arguments caused.

you dont need to justify your reasons for wanting to end the marriage to anyone else. You are unhappy, that is enough

Why do you do 90% of it all? You both work full time so you should both share the housework

It’s going to be very hard to make him start contributing

You'd be entitled to leave, I couldn't live like that.

You are not at all petty. He is contributing very little and will carry on living his own selfish life with an unpaid housekeeper for as long as you let him.
I’d give him the ironing board and iron in the divorce settlement.

What was his reason for refusing to iron the dress? I think his lack of effort is linked to respect. He doesn't respect you enough and that's not your fault.

It takes a very selfish mindset to refuse simple ironing request.

He is simply out for himself.

To be fair, my DH won't iron dresses because he describes them as "complicated women's clothing". He'll happily do my T-shirts/shirts/trousers as they are the same as men's ones.

Not that either of us iron much.

Of course it's a good enough reason.

A relationship is a partnership.

A partnership means both people bring something to the relationship.

Your DH is bringing nothing for you. You don't feel in a relationship or partnership and therefore have no obligation to stay.

Why on earth are you hosting Christmas dinner for 12 people when you're living with such an unsupportive prick?

So what was the original agreement? He pays more into the house and you do more housework? What was he doing instead of getting the chairs? Who's coming for Christmas?

Am I an absolute mug?

It's not a word I would like to call anyone but when I think back to what I put up with in my marriage I think of myself as one so I get where you're coming from.

Am I petty to be genuinely thinking about ending the marriage because I get absolutely no help.

Absolutely not. If your marriage certificate was an employment contract things might be different but you're supposed to be a partnership, not rude master and slave.

Feels like it's not a great reason but I hosnelty am so fed up.

I hear you . Do you feel you could stand up for yourself a bit more? Ask him what he's doing for the 12 people coming for Christmas, you're looking forward to the break? Or would that result in 'consequences'?

God no, end the marriage yesterday. I bet you'll have a lot less to do without him around.

I agree. These things are often complicated and just because someone isn't doing 50% of the housework doesn't mean they aren't contributing elsewhere in other ways. I try to measure contribution by free time- ie if my partner is working late and I am doing housework we are equal but if he is out at the pub and I haven't had a night off for ages we are not

The dress I understand- he doesn't want to ruin it.

In return I would stop doing his washing etc why can't he do that? He's a grown man.

This.

Yanbu. He is bvu to expect a live-in servant.

See, in that situation, with him being a knob and refusing to iron your dress, I'd have made you and the DCs dinner and when he asked where his was, I'd have said I was too busy to make him any. But then I'm petty enough.

Whether he works more hours or not, he's using you as a house keeper and child minder. He does a wash load and that's it? Fuck him, he's a lazy, entitled and selfish prat.

I'm sorry that you are living with someone who sounds as if he is a self-centered waste of space.
Have you discussed your grievances with him? Could you negotiate a different pattern of behaviour with him?
If yes to both, and he hasn't changed, I think it's get your ducks in a row time.

He sounds charming, you can leave a marriage for any reason you want op. But for starters id stop doing his washing or sorting things for him. Leave the chairs and when it comes round to everyone sitting down, he'll have to go and get them otherwise he'll look like a complete shit in front of everyone.