Sleep Deprivation

[TiredBunny1]

Hi,

First post. Am I being unreasonable?

Fiancé keeps me awake most nights and I find myself here downstairs in the living room. I have been going to the spare room at times but, he just doesn't get that sleep is important and the harm it does when physically - I find it so hard to function. All my DF can see is that I'd rather not be in the same room.

He has made measures to help by reducing the amount of alcohol and weed smoking. However, I'm labelled as controlling for suggesting this as an issue. The snoring and thrashing around in bed is much worse when the consumption of the two is higher. Yet it is now a taboo subject. If I bring it up it's met of a response of what more do you want me to do. Alcohol intake is now averaging 3 pints or a bottle of red and a couple of smokes. However that's increased because we're on annual leave and if I say anything I get accused of being controlling. I bite my tounge however when I get woken several times a night and no sleep I just dispear. I am a non smoker and an occasional drinker and into fitness. Maybe we're just incompatible? AIBU. I'm so tired right now so this message is probably not coherent.

That's a huge amount, and that's after he's reduced it? He's selfish and you can do better.

Just tell him "of course I want to be in a different room. I want some bloody sleep" then go sleep.

You're not unreasonable.

It sounds like he has alcohol problem. Weed would bother me also.

Hi @TiredBunny1 no you're not being unreasonable. My hubby snores really loud. When we first got together within days the sleep deprivation was too much and he was also getting annoyed because i was constantly nudging him. He did try everything from nose strips to sprays and i tried earplugs but it just wasn't helping. Like you, sleep to me is so important so i totally get you.
Me and hubby decided it was best he slept in another room and bless him he gave me the bed.
Hope your partner gets his snoring sorted x

Thanks for the posts. I managed an hour or two but, he is grumpy this morning and has taken the dog out. Said it's not his fault he is snoring and said he has had a bad night's sleep because he couldn't get back to sleep after I had left the bed. It's not just the snoring though it's the thrashing about and that is noticeably worse after larger volumes of alcohol/weed.

He has tried and he has used the nose clips etc. I think I need to have it out with him regarding the drinking and the weed. Those are things he can control. He has said before that I knew he had always done this so why is it now a problem? However, the fact is, I thought I was okay with it, maybe a bit of me thought he'd change and grow up, but, now it is impacting my/our quality of life.

I’m so glad you say fiancé not husband - for the love of god don’t marry him.

Sharing values is so important. They say they're more important than doing a hobby together or having things in common. Only you can decide if you share enough values and deeply enough for your relationship to be meaningful for a lifetime - but that's the question you need to ask.

You say you're into fitness - it sounds like he really isn't. That's a pretty big value clash in my opinion.

I find putting a pillow over my other ear helps enormously- so I’m like sandwiched between the two of you get what I mean

i feel your pain! My dp also gets very offended when I move out of the room but it’s bliss when I do! His snoring and toilet trips wake me up multiple times!

then he has the audacity to complain if I snore the odd night!

id be highly concerned about weed - absolute nightmare to stop - moods etc it is so highly addictive and it stinks!!! And that’s before you start to tackle the red wind habit

You're incompatible.
I don't think yabu to want a decent sleep. I had 4 years of sleep deprivation when dd was young and it is horrible but she was a baby/young child. No way would I go through it for a grown man and his habits.

Do you want to marry a weed smoker who s borderline problem drinking?

Like @MolesOnPoles said he s not your dh yet. Don't marry him.