to be a bit offended by Christmas letter

[Jezzifishie]

My in laws do a yearly Christmas letter. This year has a lovely collage of photos on the front including my DH and our daughter, and his sibling, their partner and child. In fact, the only person missing is me. DH thinks I'm overreacting, but I'm actually feeling quite hurt - surely they've taken just one photo of me in the last year?! I'm feeling a bit invisible and unappreciated.

It is pretty thoughtless to leave you out if everyone else is included. Hopefully wasn’t deliberately malicious though.

I get on fine with my in-laws but they only really see DH and DD as their ‘family’ - I’m seen as part of the package of seeing them (perhaps even a gatekeeper), so they therefore have to be nice to me but I’m not really embraced as one of them. It’s probably the same for you.

In contrast my parents treat DH like a son and he calls them mum and dad. It’s fine but I do notice the difference.

I’d be tempted to let it go but if it bothers DH then perhaps he can raise it with them as something he’s bothered about himself (rather than you asked him to do it).

Give them a giant poster sized photo of yourself for Christmas.

My brother in laws girlfriend created a lovely book of photos for my DHs 40th. Not one photo of me. There’s even a large photo on the back of him, his brother, sister and both their partners. Not me.

@ClaireEclair my SIL did us a Photobox album of our DS’ first year. The very first photo (A4-size and the only large photo in the album) when you open it is of DH holding one-hour-old DS. We had photos of the three of us but I was not included. If I had done that to her she would have gone ballistic.

OP, it is thoughtless and rude to remove family groups from photos like this

YANBU and that is not kind or thoughtful of them. Only you know whether it was deliberate or perhaps they couldn’t find a photo with you in (in which case they could have discreetly asked your DH for a couple of photos to use).

This thread reminds me of the Christmas letter that we received from SIL in 2020. It went on for two pages about what an ‘amazing year’ they had had and gushing about all the things they have done despite Covid being a ‘small blip’ for them that year. All a bit tone deaf and distasteful.

I know how you feel. My SIL always used to do one of those photo calendars for my MIL. It was stuffed with pictures of all of them, all the grandchildren and never one of me. I wouldn’t have minded so much except MIL adored these calendars year on year and paraded them in front of everyone who crossed her threshold including the postman and the milkman!

Wow she sounds a right bore.

we have a bit of an introvert/extrovert clash

I would be very intrigued to see this.

I gave Mil a framed one of her and dh at our wedding. I keep meaning to give her one of us as she did want one. She has a sideboard with family photos on. Might be a nice extra Christmas gift. I didn't have a professional photographer just got a friend to take some but there's some decent ones. I took some too.

Oh my in laws do this too. Luckily it’s been going on so long that each of us have been left out at some point or another (dh has several siblings) so we just laugh about it now. But when you’re the one who’s not included it hurts.

Tape the letter to the fridge and a stick a nice photo of yourself in the middle. If asked why you did that just reply, Did what? 😂

Go for one of those boudoir photo shoots. Send them the album.

You’ve just made me remember - my in laws do this as well, including the year we got married (first of their kids to do so). Photo was of them with their other adult kids on a holiday we couldn’t go on and a load of ‘news’ about what a great year they’d had, with no mention of their eldest son’s wedding at all 😂😂

it hurt at the time, but it was the kind of pass-agg thing my MiL does a lot in what I think is actually a subconscious way. It’s thoughtless at best, and pass-agg at worst - I wouldn’t say anything as they’ll either think you’re being petty or gaslight you into thinking you’re going overboard. Just keep an eye for other such behaviours and respond accordingly; always respectfully but firmly. Sorry it’s made you feel like 💩

Maybe they thought it was rude to send a pic of you to all their random mates so were trying to be polite?

or it’s all about them and they just chose pics of ‘their’ family

Roll your eyes and rise above it

Is is just a photo collage or is there a round Robin type letter. If so, are you mentioned in that?

My FIL actively doesn’t take pics of me. DD and DH, everyone else but me. I’m a bit on the overweight side at the moment, and PIL are a touch fat phobic, but even when I’m a lot slimmer it’s the same.

Step mum used to do a round robin. Me and DB would get the briefest of mentions, the whole family would get a full paragraph.

I try not to let it get to me, but I totally feel you.

Thanks all - I have slept on it and am feeling much better this morning. It's reassuring to know that many of you would have felt the same way, and I'm sorry to hear that some of you have had similar happen to you too. My DH was so dismissive last night, I felt really stupid for being hurt if that makes sense?

I don't think it was intentional on their part, and it does fit in with a bit of a pattern of thoughtlessness. I shall do my best to laugh and move on! I loved the suggestions of giving photos of me to them for Christmas, thank you for the smile.

You say you're not fond of photos, do you actively try and stay out of them?

My DP hates being in photos, and makes sure everyone knows it. My mum made a calender for us one Christmas, all picture of DD on her first year. Other people were in some of them, my brother, my mum, DPs mum

DP was upset that there wasn't one of her and DD, but my mum thought she'd done the right thing, because DP hates photos

Both in-laws are very extroverted - thrive on being in groups of people, don't do well by themselves at all. They're also both very loud and enthusiastic about everything. Both me and DH are quieter and need a decent chunk of alone time. It's not so bad really, but extended visits like Christmas can be a bit tricky to navigate when they need entertaining and I want to escape somewhere quiet! One of us will chill on our phone in the corner for a bit and tag the other one in, haha.

I'll take part in photos but not initiate any myself, if that makes sense?

It was probably a thoughtless oversight.

That’s rude, I do one of these for my MIL every year and she loves them. I always make sure to include photos of everyone.

😂😂 wins the thread