To wish I hadn't been so friendly to this needy PIA?

[Celia24]

I knew this person before the pandemic as we were in the same theatre group. They are nice but have serious depression and mental health issues. Also a nice person but always talks about themselves and never asks how you are.

This person stayed involved with the group and I drifted during covid. Now I've started going again with a brand new group of people, it's clear this person has made no real friends in the wider group and they've latched onto me. Peoples faces fall when they approach, they still talk about themselves all the time and they gossip about a person I like. The group isn't comfortable with this.

This person has made it clear they now intend to join our group and hang around with us now. I'm really hacked off about this as I feel they've just pushed themselves on us. We are a group of positive, calm people and they are narcissistic and draining.

YANBU - be colder in future/ease off on being my usual friendly self as a hint

YABU - you're stuck with them now, more the merrier

I don’t understand- is it a public group anyone can join? A paid for hobby?

@Wanderingoff it's a paid for hobby to an extent. If you become a proper performer then it is, yes. If you just attend shows/free classes, then no.

This person has recently failed auditions. I suspect they us as their ticket to 'another chance'. They have said they intend to retake the professional course now so they can be with us because they like us so much, arg.

I find it very odd that they have no other friends in such a massive group. I feel almost responsible because the others aren't loving their company and the negativity they're introducing.

Tricky, because you don’t want to exclude them totally as this could be seen as bullying, but you don’t want it to dampen your enjoyment of the group. Can you be bright and breezy during regular group activities, but be less inclusive for other aspects?

Well if you’re a group of positive and calm people be positive and calm 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know @Riverlee

I feel like we can't escape them now. Example - after the activities this week, our group went to the bar for drinks. They followed us down and plonked their bag in my friend's seat while she was at the bar. Didn't ask if they could join or anything, has just decided they will.

Everyone else in the group is kind and reciprocal, this person is nice but a complete taker and can drain a room. I feel like we're stuck with them

It's my fault tbh - they have some mobility issues so I helped them out recently and that's how it started. If I hadn't been so nice I wouldn't have the issue! I forgot what they were like.

Can't you just reject their membership application?

I'm not in charge @NewBootsAndRanty - but I guess the organiser could.

I don't mind seeing them as part of the wider theatre - but I/we didn't invite them to join our specific group. I understand they must be lonely but its due to their selfishness in conservation and gossiping about others - the wider group has rejected them and now they're trying us for size.

I feel responsible. I think I just need to be polite but not engage and hope they take a hint.

I'm presuming you're not in charge of who can come along, from what you say, so yes, you're stuck with them.

However, I don't see why you should feel obliged to listen to them gossiping about others - it's completely reasonable to tell them, as politely as possible, that it's not in the spirit of the group and you don't want to hear anything about other members. There's also no reason for you to be "stuck" with them more than polite pleasantries. Just move on, have something to do to get you out of the conversation politely, asap.

Is it an actual group, or an informal clique within a wider group?

Sounds like you’re in a clique OP. But it’s a tricky one as I can relate to both sides!

It's not a clique, just a group of friends. We all took a course together and happily chat to others there but yes we are close because we will be the professional group going forward.

@AGoodDayForSomebodyElseToDie you're right. The next time they say something I need to shut it down. I think they may take offence to this which may solve the issue - none of us want to hear poisonous things about a person we care about.

Is PIA another term for PITA?

Next time they follow you to the bar, just tell them it's professional group only drinks then. No need for drama.

none of us want to hear poisonous things about a person we care about

Absolutely not. I've started trying to think about these situations as an opportunity to practice my tact and conversational diversion skills. Seeing it as a scenario to workshop, or as roleplay, makes it feel a bit less personal and emotive for me, so I find I'm better able to tactfully deliver a pre-prepared line about not listening to someone's bilious bitching*.

*I don't advocate using this particular phrase 😂

Tricky but if you are calling yourself a "group", and it's a large set up, then to me that suggests it needs to be open to anyone who is eligible to join and you need to accept or at least put up with them. FWIW in all the hobbies I've done over the years, it's rare not to have someone who is annoying or brings the group down in some way - some people are hard work and that's life really.

What it sounds like you want is more what I would call a friendship group that does a hobby on the side - like a friendship-based book club which would be invitation only for example. But what you've described doesn't really sound like that's what this is.

Why would they have to ask to come to the bar if a group were going? Did everyone else have to ask too or just her/him? Who do you all have to ask?

Why can't you stand up to them more?

Bag on chair....sorry can you move that Mabel is sitting there.

Gossiping....sorry but I think Simon is lovely so please dont gossip about him.

Talking endlessly about themselves, excuse yourself and go to the toilet, bar or to speak to someone else.

I feel sorry for this person 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel sorry for her to an extent, but equally, there’s a like minded group within the larger group and she doesn’t fit. I’d be zero tolerance on bitching and not so helpful, which is awful, but you’re not obliged to spend time with her just because you go to the same hobby.

So do I😬OP I think you're being a bit unkind. I don't condone gossiping about other people but it doesn't seem like anyone has made much of an effort to include her. You all sound a bit mean. Sorry.

You are being unreasonable for diagnosing someone with a personality disorder....

Are you a psychiatrist? far too many people thrown the word "narcissist" around without knowing what it really means.

This is good advice. I won't go out of my way for them and will speak up about bitchy comments in future.

Not much i can do beyond this unfortunately.

Our group has been kind to them and I actually thought similar at first, it was mean that the wider group hasn't included them. But I felt so bad as I saw my poor friend's eyes glaze over as the person talked at them for 15 mins...and remembered how self obsessed they are.

It's obvious they aren't being included because it's a one way street and you can't forge real friendships like this. I'll continue to be pleasant when I see them but that's all.

I feel sorry for this person. I think if you nip the gossiping in the bud they may have to mirror what they see going on around them and become more group aware. But that said, there does seem to be an element of conceit amongst the current group within a group and in these situations it’s so very easy for pride to come before a fall.