Spending too much time with friends

[Mountainormolehills]

Me and my partner have been together for over 15 years and have 2 children. One has ASD and my partner has ADHD. The last 4 years have been extremely tough - x2 dementia in the family, x3 cancer on my side of the family, a close relative going no contact without a reason (but my child’s behaviour was getting worse so we think it was that, but of course we haven’t said).
We have of course struggled as a couple, and have been critical of each other etc, less sex,compliments etc.
About 6 months ago some new neighbours moved in and my partner really hit it off with them. She now goes to the gym x1 week with the wife, and goes over between 2-3 times a week in the evening, and has had several nights out with the wife. They have 2 children too and my son with ASD often goes over too.
In summer the kids were over a lot, I didn’t want to be a killjoy so I said every Sunday was family only. But now they still come over to us about x1 week, and I am friendly and polite even though I don’t really have anything in common with them.
My partner knows I’m unhappy with the lack of time we have together as she is at the gym or at their house so much, and I often fall asleep early due to trouble sleeping, but she doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong and is seeing it as a chance to escape our (admittedly stressful) house. But I feel so rejected.
Am I being U? I hate the fact she wants to include them in everything, it feels like nothing is sacred and she would rather be there than here. I would love to escape sometimes too, but our children need us and our youngest has retreated to their room to avoid people dropping in all the time.
Any advice or do I just need to accept that this friendship is important and I will just need to suck it up?

BTW we are both female, the person who is no contact is their bio Dad who they still refer to as Dad.

It's a good thing that your wife has a strong friendship. It's also good that she has widened the social circle for you children. Extra adults that care about your kids are a good thing (providing they're safe, good people). Especially with 'dad' suddenly out of the picture.
Do you suggest things for you snd your partner to do together? I'd make it priority to invest intentionally in your relationship with her. She sounds stressed and that this friendship has given her a new lease of life, but there's room in her life for a positive relationship with you too.

I completely disagree with @miltonj . This sounds overbearing and selfish that your partner is not taking your feelings into consideration (believe me, I know that feeling...)

It’s a balance needed- for the nuclear family and the wider social network. I agree this has gone too far, I wonder if your partner would be open to marriage counselling?
I would find it upsetting and unacceptable too, if another family is always involved

Thanks all, I’m reading and appreciate all replies. @Lapland123 we have been going to family therapy for my ASD child’s issues, and will be going to couples therapy regardless of whether we split up or not.
The argument my partner gives is that she gets energy from others, she needs to escape and she likes to include others where she can. The two big things for me are that then I have to either decide to spend time away from her to get my escape, or have no escape, and that it’s rarely planned and me and my youngest have to just put up with her and my eldest always going over.

We all need a break, but thus sounds quite selfish. Why does one partner get several nights out a week and not the other?

@BendingSpoons she tells me that I can go out too, I went out for my work Xmas dinner and the neighbours came over to our house. It’s like every opportunity she gets she will see them, and my eldest is going the same way.
I don’t have friends nearby, I do see friends maybe once a fortnight or month but that’s it. I’m not that keen on socialising anyway and I don’t want to stop her but I just wish she would stay home with us for longer than a couple of days at a time.

Any other views?

Is she definitely just friends with the woman next door?

@BlandSoup yes I’m sure.

Could you ask them to babysit while you have a nice meal out?

Well I guess the issue is that she doesn’t want to consider your feelings about it all. Do you ever get to go out just the two of you? How is it then?

I don’t think it’s an issue if you go out and she has them over. She can do what she wants when you’re not there.

I think 3 evenings a week with the neighbours is excessive. Too intense. The rest is fine.

I could be wrong but it sounds like she is stressed by the needs of the kids, enjoying having a new friend she feels good around as well as getting fit and also taking your relationship for granted.

It’s escapism. Friend is fun, gym is fun, real life is hard work and relentless. I would have a friendly talk and try to agree on a compromise. Pushing the issue isn’t going to help. I would also work on making your relationship feel happier and more enjoyable or try couple counselling.

Why is the house so stressful? I would be addressing that. It sounds like she is escaping home life with you.... that's not a good sign.

I can't work out who's kids are whose but either way it's probably time to look at how to put them first. You need to prioritise your own kids.

Who's behaviour led to their dad going no contact? Thats seems very wrong and needs addressing. The parents of those children need to sort that out.

Maybe by sorting out the messes you will bring your relationship back together again. Or maybe not and it would be better to split up. Right now it's not working for either of you.

@bumpytrumpy the kids are jointly ours, born during the relationship.
The house is stressful due to my eldest having ASD, he has stress and anxiety, stims and winds everyone up. This is normal for many ASD kids.
Their ‘Dad’ said he couldn’t cope with being in our lives which happened directly after a violent incident when my eldest was overwhelmed. We have told them he is taking a break from all family (which is true) and are protecting them from whether he decides that it’s permanent.
The house is also stressful due to all the factors in my OP, I would challenge anyone to try and get through that without stress, and then I would ask them for tips!

Once again I appreciate and am reading all comments. It hurts when we have had 1 night together in our house, she’s spent time with our kids of course but not me. It makes me feel so unimportant.

We only go out for a meal/spa day etc if I plan it. She’ll say that he ADHD makes it difficult to plan and do family life too.

So how many nights a week involve others and how many nights a week involve just family and how many nights a week are you on your own?

There has got to be a balance and it doesn't sound like there is much compromise at the moment

Its not for her to say 'well this makes me happy' about something that makes you unhappy and just do it anyway.

Also you havent mentioned this as a specific issue but ita a weirdly intense relationship for one person. Your wife is saying she is an extrovert and gets energy from others etc but she is not, whe is getting it all from one other person and I'm not sure how healthy that is. Why is she not seeing a range of friends? Why had she not expressed this before meeting this neighbour? Are you sure there are no feelings there?

@DrinkFeckArseBrick she does see other friends too, but far less often.
I don’t believe that there are any romantic feelings there, more that our female neighbour has a similar personality to my partner and has probably got ADHD too, so they have bonded in that way.
I have a close friend too, and we have absolutely bonded over being quite similar personalities, but again there’s nothing romantic and I see her max every 2-3 weeks.

Just to update that she ended up having an affair with her ‘friend’ and we split 2 years ago.
My house, life and children are all much happier and calmer.
She literally spent 6 out of 7 days with her by the end, the friends husband discovered the affair and finally told me although we had already split up by then due to this and her unreasonable behaviour.
Thanks again for everyone who commented on the thread, it’s interesting how many people thought I was being unreasonable about it but I definitely downplayed the situation.

Wow what an update. Do you manage to co parent ok.
Has the dad come back into the kids lives
are they still together?
glad you are doing great

Sorry being a right nosy cow there

@Redgreenred10 no their dad has completely gone.
The friends husband caught them in the act and also saw dodgy texts between them, I have never confronted her about it and it drives her mad as she knows that I have spoken with him a few times in private.
Co parenting is generally ok, she is often rude via text but I stay polite and respectful. She drags our eldest into things that she’s annoyed about (she’s often annoyed, she never cooked, cleaned or budgeted with me, I did it all) so I will need to request that she doesn’t do that as it bothers him.
I have no idea what is going on between them, my friend is convinced that they are still having an affair (woman is still married and in the family house with her husband), but I really don’t care either way.
My children know that I can’t stand the other woman but not why, I don’t want to tell them and my ex would deny it.
It’s just so sordid and tacky, not my style at all! 😆

As I read this post I was thinking she's 100% having an affair with the wife. Before you said you were a same sex couple, I knew you were and she was interested in the wife. But someone else raised it and you shut that down so I think that stopped others saying what was glaringly obvious.