Avoiding talk of politics at Christmas

[Brum1992]

We are heading to my brothers for Christmas….and absolutely dreading it. We would avoid it altogether if it weren’t for the fact that it will be the first time my family meets my 3 month old daughter. It’s really for us to make sure my elderly father meets her.

My brother insists on talking about politics all the time, and doesn’t take no for an answer. He has strong political views and he likes to goad people into a debate with him. We just want to relax. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to tell him to stop? And how do I go about that?

An example is how my husband support Newcastle united, and has his whole life. Last time we saw them, my brother wouldn’t let it go that he had to stop supporting them because they had been taken over by a Saudi consortium. I told my brother to leave it, but he would just say “it’s ok” and carry on. It really upset my husband who just wanted a quiet evening!!

my brother is very controlling…even me suggesting we make a nice Christmas Day breakfast for the family was met with difficulties. We also suggested a takeaway the night we arrive to take off some of the pressure, to get told that he’s only allowing himself 3 days of eating bad food, so no. He’s putting us all up, so I know we need to be grateful, but it feels so bloody claustrophobic already.

can you afford to stay in a local travelodge etc (or at your parents) to minimise exposure?

Don’t go. Your dad can meet your child another time. What’s the reason they haven’t already? Do you live abroad or something else?

Personally I just wouldn’t go. Can you not go to your dad in the NY and not go?

His behaviour won’t stop so you either deal with it or accept it.

Just tell him straight that you will not engage in any conversation that either you or your DH finds uncomfortable. If he continues , then I would leave. He sounds like a bore!

Thanks for your responses. I live an 8 hour drive from my parents - it’s a lot for the baby and my 4 year old son. Annoyingly, their house isn’t suitable for us to stay and the local accommodation is ridiculously expensive (starting £150 a night). We try and get a long stay it the warmer months (19 days) at a local caravan park so they get more time.

my dad is also in poor health, and the journey to us is a bit much for him :(

Then you have three choices:

1. go, say nothing, have a shit time
2. go, be firm and clear and refuse to engage and end up probably arguing
3. don’t go and tell him why

Thanks @Merryoldgoat . I think I’ll try something between 1 and 2!! I’ve said to my husband just now that Iif the Newcastle united thing comes up again that he excuse himself to go to the toilet and I will have a strong word

Use your baby and son as an excuse and just find an urgent task in another room if your brother won’t shut up. Even changing a nappy sounds better than listening to him.

alternatively just call him out - possibly in a jokey way. For example, the club ownership issue. Just say you thought about buying the club yourselves but couldn’t quite stretch to it, so the new ownership issues aren’t really in your hands.

"I have no opinion on that"

That's my go to phrase to people who insist on sharing their opinion and who I know will only want to try and change mine because they know it differs.

It's even better when you add a sentence like

"I have no opinion on that - but did you watch X series on X channel! Now that was excellent IMO - what did you think?"

It's really hard to keep bringing a conversation back after people dismiss it. Also if you can pick something you know others in the room have watched and will be interested to discuss they conversation generally gets going and the wind up merchant can't fight back alone!

I think there must be something wrong with me - I just wouldn’t go - because I know he’d be a twat and I’m not interested in dealing with it.

I just don’t do stuff that pisses me off. Maybe too many years of twats has given me no patience.

I’d just say early on in the proceedings ‘right, bro, we are NOT talking about football or politics today. We want a nice quiet day. So don’t start’ and make it firm. Your DH should say it too.

Having said that I spent my childhood with a staunchly Tory, Royalist great aunt and an IRA supporting, lefty Dad arguing like car and dog at the Christmas dinner table. It was entertaining

Work out an elaborate politics bore bingo sheet with your husband in advance and just grin at each other each time you score. Or try to get song lyrics into your replies. Or try to start debates he will hate about popular culture. You can't control his behaviour but you can control your internal response to it.

I feel the same about my dad. I could talk about something really straightforward and it will turn into politics. I wouldn't mind but we vote the same way so he's preaching to the converted. In your case, I say I was ill and stay away. Uur baby can meet the others a later day.

I feel for you. This sort of thing is utterly draining. I'd advise not going, but I can understand why you want to go for your dad's sake.

Not responding at all is probably the best way, though not the easiest. Smile and nod, say nothing and move the topic to your dad and your baby.

As well as the really good advice from the other posters, the excellent Captain Awkward has this by way of advice on this sort of thing: captainawkward.com/2020/03/10/twenty-three-ways-of-saying-lets-not-talk-about-politics-right-now-twenty-questions-to-maybe-ask-the-people-you-love-instead/. Her site contains many other similar posts which may be helpful.

Best wishes to you. I hope that you are able to have at least some nice moments over Christmas, despite your brother's nonsense. x