4.5 year old has an attitude

[Letshopeitsagoodonewithoutanytears]

Does/did anyone else’s child have one at this age?
My Dd is incredibly hard work at the moment, so grumpy, answers back, shouts no at us etc and generally doesn’t speak nicely at all. She wasn’t always like this, how do you deal with it, we’re constantly telling/asking her to speak kindly, not to answer back etc. She just seems so cross so much of the time

Yeah I have one. I’m just hoping it passes (she’s 5.5)

@PotatoScone1 When did it start? What kind of behaviour?

My ds is 5 years old and has days when he is tired or ill when he says No to everything and seems to be extra grouchy...I think it can be a case of needing some extra positive attention. They are learning and developing so fast and it's not really possible for kids that age to 'manipulate' you. Smother her with one to one time and extra attention and she might open up (if something is happening at school or nursery) or she may start to feel more balanced rather than overwhelmed, and return to being the lovely child you know she is. Good luck.

Yes, been through many stages with DS like this. Usually because he's tired, overwhelmed and/or out of routine. Fixing those things usually resolved it. School has probably worn her out so lots of down time now.

3.8 YO exactly the same... I have no advice except that when I tell her off/try to reason/ explain to her why she can't do something/shouldn't do something/doesn't talk to me like that, I get down to her eye level, & actually explain. I'm not saying it works all the time but rather than shouting I find it does sink in a bit more. Apart from that I hit my head against a wall & hide behind the sofa from her.

Is she growing? Getting enough exercise even though it’s freezing outside? Sleeping enough?

Mine is like this at 3. Supposedly a thing when they realise they are their own person and can develop their own likes (whereas when younger so interested in what everyone else is doing that they just go along with it). We offer lots of decisions on small things so she feels in charge. And we don't ask. For example 'its time to get ready for nursery. Would you like to wear the pink shoes or the green shoes?'. We ask once more if she mucks about. And then say 'OK, I'll choose then'. Which often results in a scream of no and she chooses, and we leave the house. Certainly sometimes I choose and then physically put her in the car while she complains, but it works more often than not. Or 'its baked potato for lunch, would you like beans or cheese with it?'. We make the big choices, and let her make the small ones.

And we ignore the rudeness so she doesn't get attention for it. Or just blandly say 'that isn't very nice'. Trying to force them to be nice doesn't work (according to current research). Better they see and experience it through modeling, to get them through the rebellious phase sooner and truly understanding why (rather than I have to do what mummy says).
I found big little feelings on instagram to be good for scripts when they endlessly scream no etc

They are learning and developing so fast and it's not really possible for kids that age to 'manipulate' you

lolz

Some good advice from Purplechicken. This might also provide some perspective:

patch.com/new-york/rivertowns/your-kids-aren-t-manipulating-you-they-re-trying-communicate

I know she’s not manipulating us, she’s just so moody and rude at times. Today we were in the car listening to her Mr Tumble Christmas cd and at the end of the one songs, he says ‘Merry Christmas everyone!’ I said ‘Merry Christmas, Mr tumble’ She went nuts saying ‘You always say that! Don’t say that!’ In a horrible, authoritarian voice…so bossy too etc

I hear you 😞 my almost 5 year old is here. He's currently constantly grumpy by about lunch time. He gets up far too early and gets tired early.
At the moment I'm constantly "stinky mummy" or he's always turning things around on me e.g "X please can you go to the toilet before we go out?" "I don't need to!" Gets shouted back, but 5 mins later "I need a wee! And YOU told me I can't go!!". 🤷🏼‍♀️
I'm finding age 4 is hard work. We were definitely complacent when 2 and 3 passed us by without issues.

Can I join this party please?!

I came to the conclusion about a year ago that my DD(4 at the time) was possessed. Sadly, she still is 1 year later.

Luckily I have a corner in the hallway on my house that means I can't be seen/reflections of me can't be seen. This is now known as swear corner.

@Wine4whine What sort of things does she do? I’m really not sure of the approach to take? Sometimes we can cajole her out of it by calling her The Grinch etc and she laughs..but I do want her to know that it’s not nice to talk the way she is doing etc…I’m sick of saying it to her! 🙈

@Eileen101 Yes, 2 & 3 were a dream looking back 😫

When dd started school she came home a genuine witch....
Remember your dd has had a lot on at school at this time of year op. And possibly over excited about Santa and school holidays!

My daughter developed an attitude around 4. I noticed it was from watching other children on YouTube. The way some of them act! Shame on me for not paying attention but we live and learn. She is now banned from watching other children/family vloggers that had popped up and her attitude problem very quickly went away. (Youtube allowed twice a week for the science shows she enjoys). YouTube may not be the culprit for you but for anyone else I would recommend removing it. I cringe now thinking how she watched. I blame having to work and study with her at home during covid. However that is long over now and had to face the demon of YouTube that I allowed into my home and did negatively influence my child imo.

This is completely normal and it will pass.

Children this age have great language skills but they're still copying tones of voice and phrases, and their emotional intelligence lags behind their vocabulary. So they will repeat a cross tone of voice or a rude phrase because they think it fits the bill, but of course they get it wrong sometimes.

It's worth noting that girls often get parents really angry at this age because deep down parents have an expectation that girls will be polite, and also because girls tend to have better language skills than boys. It's an example of girls being penalized for something they're good at and higher expectations placed on them when it comes to emotional intelligence.

Cut your daughter some slack.

My 5.5 year old can be very rude to me at times. She'll answer back in a way that makes her sound like a stroppy teenager! I find that our days are spent with her being sweet, then rude, then sweet, then grumpy on repeat all day! Not my finest parenting moment but I threatened to write to Santa tonight to tell him how awful she was being on a shopping trip! Whining and whingeing for a toy then holding my hand but pulling away so she ended up bumping into a man laden with bags!

just take the approach you are taking, consistent firm and fair - it will pass -I spent three years congratulating myself on missing the terrible twos - then the terrible 5s hit! The Germans call this "the second contrary phase".....