3 year old behaviour

[whatty]

We have a tricky 3 year old who seems to be getting more and more challenging as time passes. He was 3 in November, and only started clearly talking (in sentences- although good understanding much earlier) when he was about 2 years and 10 months. He also potty trained around the same time- in case that's relevant.
What we are particularly struggling with is overly energetic behaviour. We have had feedback from nursery (he goes 4 days a week and has since he was 1) that he often won't sit down at circle time/ meal times, sometime climbs on the staff and ignores their pleas to sit down nicely etc. They said they thought he was seeking attention- so when the attention isn't on him, he plays up. When they removed him from the room, he slapped away things given to him, and talked crossly to the manager.
We concluded when talking to nursery, that reintroducing a short nap at lunch time might help- so he isn't cranky in the afternoon, which hopefully will help.
Shortly after the above discussion with nursery, we have come away to Australia to visit family. He has been quite challenging on occasion here too. Running around a lot at airports, at home & and when out, shouting at me or his dad or siblings, have a very cross face when told off, repeatedly doing something he has been told not to do with a gleeful look on his face etc etc. He also will happily play in the sand, watch programmes on the iPad, or sit and read a book with someone. The problem is that we are constantly having to divert him with a snack/ iPad when he is having a more challenging "episode" and I am becoming worried about him being challenging when out and about.
The aggressive/ hyper behaviour makes me think ADHD- but my family just say he is 3, and not to worry.
NB- we have a 10 year old and 7 year old- so not our first rodeo by any means! And I would say we have possibly let him get away with a bit as he is no3 (and we are knackered!).
So- AIBU to worry and want to get him assessed?

Assessed? I’d try some good boundaries and consequences first- if you don’t treat that you nicely we’ll take it away, if you don’t behave well we will go home etc. a warning then follow through any consequences immediately. Yes there will probably be an ensuing tantrum. If he’s not hurting himself or others then let him let rip but ignore until he’s over it.

He sounds like a full on 3 year old but not abnormal to be honest.

Remove the Ipad and any form or sugar. My oldest DC used to be similar and this made the world of difference, especially the sugar.

I home cooked everything, pain in the arse i know. And i took away all treats then slowly started to introduce back again, same with ipad.

He needs to start getting consequences and also i found it helpful to explain them before it happened and tell them the severity

So for example i would say, we are going to softplay today, if you hit another child we are going home with no warnings (DC never hit but thats just an example)

Also, i get it, 3 dcs and my youngest is the angel and treated as such, i know ill regret it as she gets older.

Would he tolerate being on reins if he can’t learn to walk nicely and not run off? I know some people hate them but tbh I think they’re the lesser evil for some children. At three he can definitely be aware of some firm rules and boundaries. LOTS of praise for good behaviour.

I second getting reins, for his own safety he should not be running around in the airport.

He might have ADHD, but before going down that assessment route, maybe consider behavioural and lifestyle measures.....

1. Like others have said, reducing sugary foods, he might be particularly sensitive to it

2. Try have some kind of rigorous physical activity everyday, preferably outdoors, for eg running/chasing games, jumping, dancing, swimming, get rid of the excess energy in any way you can that's fun for him, as much as he can do

3. Try games like 'Simon says', to get his listening skills refined

4. Like others have said, discipline and consequences for any unacceptable behaviour and rewards and praise for good behaviour. Super nanny books have some good guidance on this like the 'Naughty Step', and how to implement this effectively, as well as sticker reward charts, lots of praise for good behaviour.

My only child was like yours at that age, and we are still working on some of the issues. It's a tough road. My child doesn't have ADHD diagnosis, but has multiple health issues.

Thanks all- your comments are v helpful. Hadn't considered reins- they might be a good shout 👍

My 3yo is the same. He needs running like a husky every day. I think that's normal 3yo.

Sounds normal behaviour to me! My adhd/autism son had a lot more difficulties than this.

The problem is your rewarding his bad behaviour with iPad time. So he's learnt to misbehave = iPad. You need to give him consequences and try and cut down on the iPad.

This is my first 3yo but honestly she's a massive pain in the ass a lot, from reading i assumed it was normal. This is generally the age they realise they are their own person and can say no etc, maybe your older 2 were just lucky?
We enforce boundaries a lot, but give her choices to help her feel empowered. Eg we are going out now (parent choice), would you like to wear the blue coat or yellow coat? (Small choice made by her). If she doesn't choose we say OK, I'll choose for you, which usually results in 'nooooo!! I choose!!!' and she does. That said we have had to hold the boundary, force shoes on her and carry her to the car. For running about (car park) it was you can hold my hand or I'll carry you. You choose. If she tries to pull away or mucks about, she gets carried. Even if kicking and screaming, because its safety related and there is zero compromise. Check out biglittlefeelings on instagram for loads of 'scripts' on how to manage this sort of thing. Ours was a sweet and biddable 2yo, but definitely a threenager so far. That said after a peak in tantrums and screaming no, she has calmed a lot in the last few weeks after the reaction she got from us was consistent and she was able to make choices. Honestly I'm a bit glad a lot of the time (don't want her to be a yes person and grow up feeling she has to do what people say just because (people pleaser like me), but equally I wish she just do what the f I tell her when it comes to daily stuff 😂

A lot of this behaviour sounds like sensory seeking.

It sounds as if nursery have a lot of ‘sitting nicely’ expectations which for some three year olds isn’t realistic? He might benefit from a more child-led setting or somewhere with more outdoors time.

It might be worth trying something like a wobble cushion or a gym ball for times that he needs to sit still. Or a weighted blanket. Anything that provides sensory input.

His behaviour may well get worse with a change in routine. Social stories and visual reminders of the plan for the day might help.

What consequences do you have for bad behaviour currently?

I found 3 a VERY challenging age. Not as easy to distract them away from challenging behaviour because they've got wise to our methods! You mention two other children, are either of them boys? Some boys need a lot of physical exersion, I would introduce some physical activities into his day, activities where he can just be free and run round. Nursery is fantastic for development in so many ways, but sitting nicely at 3 can be a big ask for some kids if they haven't had chance to run off enough energy. Also watch for over tiredness, he might still need the odd short nap here and there and at 3 definitely old enough to understand what's acceptable and what's not in terms of behaviour.

I doubt he'd get assessed at 3 for ADHD as it's more likely just to be his age. Nothing sounds out of the ordinary here, just testing boundaries and full of beans. I'd just watch and wait and put in boundaries and spend lots of time reading to him, playing games, going for walks etc You can't put less effort into him because you're tired and then wonder why he's turning out differently.

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He is 3, in a different time zone, an unfamiliar environment and it’s 4 days until
Christmas. All 3 years would be incredible difficult in this situation.

Wait until your home and settled back down and then look at food, exercise and sleep and then consider if something else could be going on.

I think trust your instincts op. It sounds like you sense there is something slightly difderenr about him. He may be neurodiverse or may not.

I had a very energetic little boy but even at 3 he did sit for circle time so that sounds on the extreme end of energetic. However I also think our demands of 3 and 4 yesr olds in the Uk are ridiculous. Particularly by reception and yesr 1.

My daughter is autisric and the diagnosis leans heavily on things we noticed before 2 so i think people here are very wrong to say he cant be recognised as adhd at 3

I don't think anyone will assess for ADHD until he is 6 so as other posters have said, better to manage the behaviour regardless of diagnosis. I also think that it sounds more like he is just an active 3 year old who needs a lot of running around.

I would try an ABC chart. Whenever he flips out, write down what happened before (andecedent) the behaviour and the consequence. After a few days it might become obvious that something is setting him off, or that he is doing it to obtain the consequence(?iPad, time out with a parent).

My eldest would be deliberately misbehave at that age because his favourite thing was one on one time with an adult, which is what he got in time out! Took us ages to work it out!

3 year olds can be really tricky. My first was as good as gold but very dramatic and verbal (ie lots of door slamming and moaning about the unfairness of the world a la a teenager). My current 3yo can be much more chilled out and placid than her sister was but she is going through a phase of not listening and being quite sneaky and is very hard work in a different way. They are in a development phase of pushing boundaries. Your older two might have just done it in different ways.

Sounds like a very typical 3 year old boy to me! They need wearing out like puppies. Run them hard and fast and tire them out!

Probably just one of those kids that needs more discipline and tough love than your others.