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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad about this?

32 replies

Rainfull091 · 20/12/2022 11:54

Seeing a couple I know, stepdad to 2 teenage sons and the biological mum. In the past week they have done three big events and clearly ha an amazing time which they then posted on FB.
I am barely getting by financially and feel so lonely.

Aibu to wish I had what they did ? Their money and their close relationships?

OP posts:
Haruka · 20/12/2022 12:37

OP, what is it that YOU currently have?

DuplicateUserName · 20/12/2022 12:41

Would it be best to give up Facebook until things improve for you?

It won't become any less of a problem with NYE celebrations etc.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 20/12/2022 12:41

Oh OP I'm sorry you're feeling low. SM is absolutely awful for mental health for this reason. Is there anything you could do for yourself in the way of self care? Favourite biscuits and comfort film? Bubble bath? This time of year is tough and it's natural to look wistfully at other people who appear to have more.

Needmorelego · 20/12/2022 12:43

You don't know the true background. They could be massively in debt to pay for their lifestyle.

defi · 20/12/2022 12:44

You're comparing someone's highlight reel to your worst moments

Merlott · 20/12/2022 12:44

The trick is

  1. Notice how you're feeling when scrolling SM
  2. Give a shit about your feelings
  3. Give a shit about yourself.

The more you give a shit about yourself (self care, self knowledge) the happier you will be.

Pothoswithasparkle · 20/12/2022 12:44

Needmorelego · 20/12/2022 12:43

You don't know the true background. They could be massively in debt to pay for their lifestyle.

People need tos top trying to make people feel better by making up how everything must be shit and everyone must be in debt....
It's toxic

whattodo1975 · 20/12/2022 12:51

Pothoswithasparkle · 20/12/2022 12:44

People need tos top trying to make people feel better by making up how everything must be shit and everyone must be in debt....
It's toxic

Show quote history

I agree with this. Some people just have a nice life, and there is nothing wrong with that.

No one ever suggests "they might have saved up all year to do things at xmas", its always, "i bet they are in loads of debt and the husband is probably shagging about".

OP do you have kids and a partner? Focus more on the things you have, you can have fun as a family without going to "events".

Needmorelego · 20/12/2022 12:53

@Pothoswithasparkle I hope I didn't come across as toxic 😳
What I meant was you don't always know the truth of someone else's lives.
I frequently have moments of unhappiness (and jealousy) when comparing my life to others. It's something I have struggled with quite a lot.
My way of dealing with it is to think that maybe their life isn't perfect (ie they are in debt, argue a lot or whatever).
@Rainfull091 everyone's life is different. You need to find what makes you happy and focus on you - not other people's lives.

Penguinsaregreat · 20/12/2022 12:58

Stop looking at social media.
Of course there area lots of happy people. Lots of people have great relationships. You mention he is the step dad so sometime in your friends life she was a single parent. Presumably she went through unhappy times.
Don't compare yourself, instead start looking at ways of making yourself happy.

Allschoolsareartschools · 20/12/2022 13:06

Comparison is the theft of joy.

Get off social media. Start looking at what you do have & how you can work with that to change the way you're feeling.
And remember people only post what looks good!

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/12/2022 13:09

Everybody has good times and bad times. If they’re a blended family then it’s safe to say that they, some years previously, have also had some pretty shitty times to get through as a result of (at the very least) failing relationships and post-separation sadness. Now they’re having some good times. That’s just how life rolls.

What can you aim for so that this time next year you’re having some better times? Focus your effort there, rather than feeling sad or jealous about other people’s good breaks.

AffIt · 20/12/2022 13:10

@Needmorelego

My way of dealing with it is to think that maybe their life isn't perfect (ie they are in debt, argue a lot or whatever).

Then you need to stop that, because it basically is toxic - you're poisoning your own mind to think worse of others.

OP, gratitude is a great tool: other people will always have better or worse lives than you, so remove the envy or the judgement and be actively grateful for what you have and what makes you - you, personally - happy and content.

RunningFromInsanity · 20/12/2022 13:10

I have a lot of money. I go abroad on fabulous holidays and posts amazing photos and people think I’m having an amazing time.

Every time it kills me that I have no one to share it with.
Things are not what they seem on SM.

Needmorelego · 20/12/2022 13:56

@AffIt I don't think of it as toxic. I hope it isn't.
Actually - to be honest - I've more started to not really care about other people's lives that much (I mean if I had some concerns about neglect or abuse I care about that obviously).
So I retract my previous statement... I don't think "oh maybe they are in debt or whatever" any more. I just don't care.
I focus on my life. My family. They do their lives their way... I do mine my way.
Ok yes there will be some jealousy every so often and sometimes it can be difficult to get past that..but in general I have learned to just not care.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 20/12/2022 13:59

While some people do genuinely have nice lives it's also true that SM isn't a reflection of anyone's genuine reality. It's not that the husband's necessarily shagging about and they're in debt but it's only the good bits. Family all in matching PJs around the tree etc. Not the teenagers constantly bickering and whining about wanting a designer T-shirt for Christmas.

Pothoswithasparkle · 20/12/2022 14:10

Needmorelego · 20/12/2022 13:56

@AffIt I don't think of it as toxic. I hope it isn't.
Actually - to be honest - I've more started to not really care about other people's lives that much (I mean if I had some concerns about neglect or abuse I care about that obviously).
So I retract my previous statement... I don't think "oh maybe they are in debt or whatever" any more. I just don't care.
I focus on my life. My family. They do their lives their way... I do mine my way.
Ok yes there will be some jealousy every so often and sometimes it can be difficult to get past that..but in general I have learned to just not care.

See that is not toxic, but the previous one was.

If people can only be content when everyone is in shit (even if just imaginary one) that is toxic attitude which really shows when you talk with people like that.
I had a friend who was like this and it's such negativety it's hard to stay around.

There is a saying about that type of people
"If their neighbour has two goats, they don't wish for 2 goats as well. They wish for neighbour's ones to die". That is very much the "they are in debt and hiding bad issues" lullaby imho.

Pothoswithasparkle · 20/12/2022 14:13

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 20/12/2022 13:59

While some people do genuinely have nice lives it's also true that SM isn't a reflection of anyone's genuine reality. It's not that the husband's necessarily shagging about and they're in debt but it's only the good bits. Family all in matching PJs around the tree etc. Not the teenagers constantly bickering and whining about wanting a designer T-shirt for Christmas.

I mean like... Was that ever different?
No one moaned about family photos going round during meet ups like this yet it is exactly same thing.
People like to share the nice bits. Of course it's just a snapshot. A nice one. A snapshot of reality though... Everyone has some nice moments

theswoot · 20/12/2022 14:18

Honestly when these sorts of thoughts start to creep in for me that’s usually my sign to at least delete the apps off my phone for a while so that there is at least more friction to getting to look at social media. Ideally I try and spend no time on it all for a bit.

As many PP have said, social media is a highlight reel, and it’s not actually normal to have that information so close at hand all the time. If you’re having a tough time, it’s bound to feel like you’re having your face rubbed in it. The best thing you can do is withdraw from it. You wouldn’t keep your hand in a fire when you knew it was burning you.

I am so sorry that you’re struggling financially and hope that things get easier for you soon.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 20/12/2022 14:48

Pothoswithasparkle · 20/12/2022 14:13

I mean like... Was that ever different?
No one moaned about family photos going round during meet ups like this yet it is exactly same thing.
People like to share the nice bits. Of course it's just a snapshot. A nice one. A snapshot of reality though... Everyone has some nice moments

Show quote history

Yes of course it's different for lots of obvious reasons. People took far fewer photos in the past. You had a camera with a 25 roll of film which you'd need to pay for and go get developed. Now we all have cameras with limitless capacity to take photos (and filter them) which we carry round with us wherever we go. WE have thousands more photos to choose the best ones from. People also very rarely shared the photos they did take in the past - at most people shared holiday snaps with close friends and family. Most of us have hundreds of people on SM some of whom post a few times a month. It takes much more will power to not engage with all of that content.

There is a massive statistical correlation between time spent on SM an decline in MH. It is very different now than in the past.

Needmorelego · 20/12/2022 15:05

@Pothoswithasparkle you are so right. I realise now how toxic (and bad for me) my thoughts used to be.
It is hard though. Seeing what other people have that you haven't but you would love to have (and sometimes wondering how on earth they got that life).
@Rainfull091 you need to focus on what exactly you want from life - that is actually achievable - and go for it the best you can. Start small. Find something you really enjoy and do it.

zingally · 20/12/2022 15:59

I've just had the same feeling today, reading my cousins annual braggy christmas card letter. They've had 3 "abroad" holidays, and umpteen UK mini-breaks. Their primary-aged girl and boy are perfect and genius, work is wonderful and their every free moment is filled with uplifting, wholesome activity.
I dealt with it by texting my sister to say it was as obnoxious as ever, chucked it in the recycling bin, made myself a coffee and turned on the christmas tree lights.

Pismascrescents · 20/12/2022 16:08

I remember watching people who had more things while I was surrounded by the most amazing, wonderful
people. I realise now we were blissfully happy even if we couldn’t have three week holidays ever. Be careful
what you wish for. We also had a great time doing lots of fun things; a few were expensive, many were not.

Original poster
Rainfull091 · 20/12/2022 18:12

No kids or a partner 😞

OP posts:
Haruka · 20/12/2022 18:13

Rainfull091 · 20/12/2022 18:12

No kids or a partner 😞

Yes, but I mean this kindly - what DO YOU have?

It's easy to look at others and feel envy at their perceived happiness while completely forgetting what it is that makes our own lives special.