To rage at my mum’s level of passive aggression?

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

Seriously the woman could get an Olympic medal in passive aggressiveness.

I recently was offered a job after being SE for a while. I’ve been happy in self employment but fancied something part time and more guaranteed income to work around my SE work.

My mum is very unlike me, she is only in her early 60’s but behaves like she’s from the 1800’s. Thinks women working in anything other than a shop are ‘ever so lucky’ and despite me having very senior roles in the past I’m always apparently ‘so lucky to have a lovely little job’. Even when I was bullied mercilessly she’d say ‘oh but think how lucky you are to have that lovely job’. For reference - my brothers aren’t ‘lucky’ they’re ‘hard workers’. You get the picture.

Anyway she didn’t agree with me going SE and quitting my Lovely Little Job. She knew I was having this interview as bloody DH told her otherwise I’d have kept it quiet.

Anyway, I initially accepted in principle based on having a satisfactory salary. The salary band was wide and ‘based upon experience’ of which I have loads. I wanted the mid-upper level range. They said no, and decided it was now starting at the low end and working up gradually. So I pulled out the job. Mum thought I was being ‘silly’.

Anyway I told my brother back when I was offered it and said I plan to accept it. Haven’t spoken to him since (only a week ago!). My mum spoke to my brother this morning and he said “Oh I see Lydia has a new job at SuchAndSuch company.”

Shes then sent me a message saying “Brother told me you accepted the job. So so so happy you changed your mind. over the moon for you - it’s the right decision, self employed is such a risk and it’s nice that you’ll have a nice little job again. Congratulations!”

She will absolutely have known I didn’t change my bloody mind. A normal person would say to my brother ‘Oh when did you speak to her? Yeah she turned it down due to not getting the salary she wanted since then”. It’s just her way to legitimise telling me how she feels about my choices.

Anyway this is a really common occurrence. She will ring me at inconvenient times, NEVER arranged a time, and if I don’t answer a couple of times (because I’m working!!) she will message to say “Have you changed your number? The one I’m calling isn’t being answered” 🙄

Anyone else’s mum like this? And WIBU to tell her to stop being so fucking passive aggressive.

‘DBro has his wires crossed, I didn’t accept that job as I have X years experience in 3 more senior roles / X qualifications and would be devaluing my professional achievements if I accepted lower than £X. Anyway, how are you? Hope the Christmas plans are going well! See you soon xx’

That’ll learn her. 😡

Telling her to stop being pass agg won't do a thing. She knows she's doing it. She's choosing to do it. All you can do is limit your exposure to it. When it happens, disengage. Don't reward her by responding or trying to explain. Engage with her and reward normal interactions.

My mother tends to say crap like this. In her case it’s not passive aggression but just not thinking things through and not really caring how it comes across because my feelings do not matter. I’ve found that correcting her every single time has done wonders. She’s gotten better and tends to catch/correct herself now. To use your example, if she said “lovely little job” I would neutrally respond “It’s not a lovely little job, I do x at y.” Bit of a pain but it has helped a lot.

"I didn't accept the job because I know what I'm worth and won't accept less."

She probably won't stop being PA so that likely won't work. Agree with above poster on limiting your exposure to her crap. She understands what she is saying and the impact she wants it to have, don't feed it. Detatch and disengage from her.

Sounds like she has some very outdated gender ideas. Some people in my family are a little like this as well. To be honest, I find the best thing is simply not to keep them informed of what I am doing in my career - or just give them minimal information when they ask.

YANBU. It's really patronising, isn't it?

Sound god awful. I can just imagine.

Your Mum isn’t passive aggressive, she’s a misogynist!

(On the job front, assuming it wasn’t civil service? They can sometimes advertise roles as a range “depending on experience”, but actually anyone coming in externally has to start at the bottom, and nowadays can’t even work up. You can only go higher up the range if you’ve already done so in another civil service job)

Yeah my mum can be a bit like this too.

I mentioned in passing the other day that I was having some work laptop/IT issues and was trying to troubleshoot and fix the problem myself and she looked agog and said 'well isn't your husband fixing this for you? What does he think etc?'

Come to think of it, she does it a lot! If I'm having a problem (and it could be about anything) then clearly I'm not capable of resolving it myself. Rather I curl up in a ball on the floor and wait for my husband to rescue me

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing no, it was private sector!

God that would annoy the hell out of me too OP. It's unlikely you'll be able to change her behaviour by calling her out (she'll act shocked and hurt you could suggest such a thing when she was just being encouraging). I'd work on emotionally protecting yourself from caring about her nonsense. I've found with people like that I can kind of fake it till I make it in that I pretend to laugh at them and eventually find myself genuinely caring less.

I feel your pain, OP.

I am a director in an international consultancy firm. I actually have more degrees and post-graduate quals than my OH, who is a partner in a law firm, but in terms of seniority and pay, we're about equal.

However, my mother refuses to acknowledge my (well-paid and very senior) role and sees me as some kind of emotional support human to my OH's Big Job (he doesn't see it like that at all, btw, or otherwise he wouldn't be my OH).

This is essentially because she knows what a lawyer is, but doesn't understand my IT/IS-based profession and thinks that I'm some kind of admin lady with a Nice Little Office Job That Involves Computers.

It drives me mental, particularly because she owned and ran successful businesses when we were growing up - it's not as though she's a 1950s housewife!

I'm sorry this did make me laugh, at the sheer absurdity of it!

WIBU to tell her to stop being so fucking passive aggressive.

No, as long as you use those exact words.

I don't understand how you can listen to her without giving it to her straight. Even if it doesn't work it'd make me feel better!

E.g. "Mum, why do you call my job a "little" job and not my brothers'? Is it because I don't have a penis?"

I'd SO like to be a fly on the wall if you did this! 🌹

Ugh OP I feel your pain! My DH has a female relative like this.

I have a PhD, and a DBA. I am a senior director in a private sector role.

Relative refers to “my little job” and likes to tell people I’m an administrator/PA. Nothing wrong with either of these roles but that’s not what I do.

I work from home and she likes to ask why I don’t do all the cleaning/cooking and have everything perfect when DH returns home. Because I’m working, you daft, stupid old cow.

I second everyone’s advice on this thread.

yes, please do this!

I would need to call her out on it too. It would drive me up the wall.

@ColdAndSuch

I work from home and she likes to ask why I don’t do all the cleaning/cooking and have everything perfect when DH returns home. Because I’m working, you daft, stupid old cow.

Yeah, my mum once asked me why I don't iron my OH's shirts, because I'm 'working from home' (which I've been doing since about 2015).

I laughed myself hoarse.

Me too

I had a passive aggressive Olympic level mother. I tried everything, including grey rock and low contact.

In the end I had to conclude she didn't like me very much and that - unsurprisingly - I felt the same about her.

No contact worked a treat. More fool her.