Grief angry and disappointed - long sorry

[Winemygoodenemy]

My mum died a week ago. It was sudden and she was young. I don’t live near them, my sister does. I was updated all the time and got to video chat with my mum before she passed. It happened over the course of a day. I was told not to travel as she may die and people didn’t want me to be travelling. I would have had to drive the 5 hours due to train strikes. My partner and I were going down for Christmas and everyone was looking forward to it. My partner has only met my parents once and never my sister.

my partner who I have been with for a year stood up. He took time off work and drove me down. He stayed out they way and let me grieve with my family. Did practical things like fix things in the house. He also stayed up when I was crying and was just there. He is very matter of fact and couldn’t say comforting words, but his constant hugs , presence and hand holding was reassuring.

partner has now said he won’t come down for Xmas as I need to be with my family. He has now booked to see his family abroad for a few days. If not he would be alone. I have extended my stay as my dad wants to clear out mums things and get everything transferred to his name and other things. My sister has also gotten snappy and angry and trying to take over. It’s grief as they were closer to my mum and my dad is understandably being very demanding. Partner says I need to be just with my family and he can’t help with my mums belongings - that’s something I need to do myself.

I am angry at him as I want him with me for comfort. His reasoning , he can be there but he didn’t know my mum well, so can’t go through her stuff. he also said that we need to grieve and support as a family and he would feel like a spare part and I don’t need to be concerned with him. He says we will do Christmas after new year. He is coming back to U.K. before I come back home.

We have separate plans at new year as he is going to an event I will hate and I had been invited to an event he will not like. We couldn’t decide and decided to do separate plans at new year as we were with each other at Christmas. We were going away for a few days after my family to chill. Now not doing that.

i am so pleased and shocked he dropped everything and came round to drive me the 6 hours to get there. No one has done that before. Took time off work and no questions asked, got me there. I wasn’t too sure he did love me, but think this showed me he does. However other people said they wouldn’t have expected anything else.

deep down I know he would be a spare part as so much to do and he has an offer to be with his family now. he said my dad would only breakdown when my partner wasn’t there and could tell he was being strong. My dad was trying to be strong and be the perfect host. Partner says my dad needs to be with his kids and not be concerned about other partners. My sisters partner is not coming, but he has his own kids so wasn’t planned.

I just want my partner to be there for support. It’s our first Xmas and we agreed not to spend new year together. Understand he should have a good Xmas. He decided very quickly that he wasn’t coming, like it was planned and a get out. New year he says he can stay with me and not go to his event. But one of us should have fun.

don’t know if grief is making me feel disappointed or he doesn’t want to be there. I will miss him, especially as it’s over a week without him. We don’t live together and live far away but he has kept in touch with text and calls. Listening to me - seeing him today. I am always independent so it was a shock to me to lean on someone and want him with me.

how do I accept this? My grief head is saying he doesn’t care about me. But he wouldn’t of been there if he didn’t care

So very sorry for your loss. What a terrible shock for you.

I think your partner is right though, to stay away. He was there for you at the time. And I think you are now with the people you need to be with to sort through things and have this first Christmas together without someone who is a stranger to most there.
Sorry again x

Sorry for your loss OP, it must have been a shock. I think you partner has been extremely supportive and whatsmore, perceptive to other family members emotions, by not wanting to be there for the second time. He's right. He can't help with the sorting out of mum's belongings and your father probably wants timed with his family without external members hanging around.

First of all, I'm really sorry for the loss of your dear mum. It's still so fresh and you must be hurting so much. It's absolutely normal to feel like you do.

Your partner sounds lovely but then I'm someone who (I think) would prefer to just be with my sibling in a situation like this. Did he know your mum a little?

Have you asked him to stay? Do you think he would, if you specifically ask him?

But then I do also see his side, in that if you've been there 1 week, there's another one until Christmas, then the week in between... Does he feel like he's imposing with a 2-3 week stay total, or actually uncomfortable about it?

There's not right or wrong answer, and all your feelings are valid. Talk through it together.

Sending much strength to you all

I’m really sorry about your mum, you must be in turmoil

I agree with others though, it reads to me like he’s making decisions with your whole family in mind and can see what they and you probably need. The time of year muddies the water a bit but if you take that out of the equation you may be able to see where he’s coming from a bit more clearly.

He’s essentially a stranger to your dad and sister and has noticed they’re not entirely comfortable with his presence at their rawest. He can support you but he isn’t abandoning you to be alone, he’s stepping back to allow a family space to grieve.

I can see that. It was the first time he met my sister. Suppose if it wasn’t Christmas I wouldn’t be bothered. He was so quick to decide though. His family invited him out when he told them my mum died. He mentioned it to me and said he was considering. I think it was more if you are alone come to us rather than leave me.

However his gran died and he just carried on as nothing happened. I asked if he wanted me to be there and he said no. He doesn’t do emotion, just shows it through touch.

I totally understand how you feel but it sounds to me like your partner is very caring and perceptive

You want to lean on him, but you need to lean on each other as a family. You need to go through the grief together.

He didn't know your family so he would feel out of place and they wouldn't be as comfortable around him no matter how lovely he is.

I think he is giving you a gift with this time, I know it isn't what you want right now, but it is likely that it is what you and your family need.

Chin up sweetie and you will get through this, and when you go back home your lovely partner will be there for you.

Try not to push him away in your disappointment, because you have had a terrible shock and he sounds very caring and perceptive. Also, it gives him a chance to see his own parents.

Sorry you lost your mum. But if your sister's partner isn't coming (even though it's because he has children) then asking your partner to come is a bit much. Added in that it would be your first Christmas together and that's quite a big thing to put on him. For him to spend Christmas in the middle of a grief-stricken family would be hard on him. You will have your family around you.

The speed of his decision probably fits with the way he deals with emotion. If he’s seeing the situation pragmatically he will be taking into account what he observed and experienced when he was there with you and can see the value in stepping back this time and taking up the opportunity to see his own family at the same time. I don’t think he’s trying to push you away or avoid supporting you, I think he’s just got a clarity that allows him to take decisions without difficulty because he can weigh up the pros and cons.

I'm so sorry for your loss - what a horrible shock for you.

I think your partner's made the right call: this isn't the time for him to be around people he doesn't know, and it's not the time for your dad and sister to be interacting with someone they don't know in the first few weeks of grief. As you've said, there won't be a lot he can do and it would add a different dimension to things to have him there and have to think about what he's doing, no matter how unobtrusive and helpful he could be quietly.

I'd maybe suggest you both cancel your NYE plans and spend that together instead, unless they're really unmissable.

OP I really feel for you. I lost my mum relatively young, though older than you by the sounds of it. You are grieving and our minds really are a bit all over the place at these times. You are groping around for comfort but don’t misplace the anger you are/will be feeling about your mum’s death towards your partner. It will be better for you, your dad and your sister to be there for each other without your partner potentially getting in the way. Keep talking to him and FaceTime while you’re apart but please don’t take your grief out on him. It sounds like he’s a real keeper

I think that when grief is raw, everything is terrifically painful. If you can, try to be aware that neither your partner nor you are being unreasonable, but that you are very fragile and that everything is compounded by the intensity of it being Christmas. Try not to let this divide you, you can be each other's greatest supporters.

I am so sorry, I know how painful it is to lose a parent suddenly.

Right now, you may think that what I am saying is way off course but I think that in about 12 months' time you may have a new perspective.

Grief is hard, it's painful and messy. Let yourself have whatever feelings roll your way, but try not to let that mix up your love for the important people in your life.

Sounds like he's done all the right things and he's right, your dad and sister will do better without him there's this time is for your family. It takes it out of you, someone else's grief.

He's still on the other end of the phone.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for for loss, I think your partner is correct in his reasoning not to go. He's right that this is family time to grieve.

He sounds a good and wise man.

This. Your partner sounds great.

I think the fact that he is willing to be with you at new year shows that he cares. With his gran, he sounds like he would really dislike strangers being around when he is dealing with grief - and perhaps he senses this in your dad too?

I don’t think there is a ‘right’ answer and different people deal with grief differently, but I don’t think his reaction is because he doesn’t care - his actions seem thoughtful and considerate - even if it is not exactly your preference.

OP - could you pre arrange a video call with him for a time on xmas day? So that you can also get comfort from him to help you? You are not wrong in how you feel and deal with grief - it’s just that I guess there are many moving parts and maybe his presence will affect your father and sister’s behaviour and in turn how they interact with you.

So sorry for your loss. I think he sounds like a good person, and he's trying to do the right thing. Your feelings at the moment will be all tangled up, and you may be feeling anger at your Mum's death, but with no where for that to go, it's turned into frustration with your boyfriend. I found it helpful after my own DM's death, to know that my feelings were transient and likely to change, and that the raw grief wouldn't last forever. Take it easy this Christmas, the video call suggestion is a good one.

So sorry to hear about your mum.
He sounds like a very nice man, you were lucky to have him there as support when your mum died.
However there are some things families have to deal with alone, without outsiders or strangers.
It's also probably quite mentally draining for your boyfriend, he needs time with his own family and you need time with yours.

Exactly this.

I would also add that grief makes people behave in unpredictable and sometimes bizarre ways, try not to make any permanent decisions based on anyone's behaviour at such a very difficult time.

I'm so sorry about your mum and of course your emotions are all over the place. I too think your DP has made the right call and for the right reasons. Perhaps you could both reconsider your NYE plans and have a quiet night in together?

I'm sorry about your mum op. I lost a parent this year too.

But YABU about your DP I'm afraid. He's been invited to see his family for Christmas, which will be more enjoyable for him, and it sounds like he's been very supportive of you.

He's also right about it being more awkward for your dad if he's there.

You're allowed to be sad about it though.

Thanks all. Thought about it and you are correct. We saw each other last night and arranged to have our Christmas before new year after we get back.

He has offered to cancel his plans at new year. I have said not to as not too sure how I will feel then. I might not want to celebrate so he may as well have fun.