Nobody loves me!

[SofiaIAmHere]

It's true! Not just to quote the title of an old Portishead song, this is the real deal.
I am fairly average, decent looking, mid forties. I am socially aware and intuitive enough to slide through life relatively easily, and can open up about my thoughts and feeling with people I know.
However, I am currently confused as to why I don't seem to elicit confidence in people. I am open, a good listener and bob along ok. But no matter where I go, be it online or in real life, I am tolerated but not liked. This is a feeling that i don't have proof of, but of course, we can just tell.

I am not run of the mill, but not weird either. No matter how niche I go, I can't seem to fit into any kind of community. I have friends, but we are all quite different, and we lead such separate lives.

But I see people in certain communities, online and off, who seem to really jog along, and they are like me, but I never seem to slot in.

Is this normal? AIBU to wonder if there is something about me that just doesn't fit?

Sorry to hear this OP. I’m a similar age to you. I made most of my close friends through either University or work (often work friends becoming real friends after we stopped working in the same place).

Do you feel you ah e lost touch with people, or never made those friends in the first place?

Have you ever had a romantic relationship?

Do you know Beth Gibbons' voice came into my head as soon as I saw your thread title! Then I click to read it and there you are, mentioning that very song! So I strongly suspect you would be worth knowing!

What makes you think you are merely 'tolerated' though? Is it the way people act towards you or might it be your own insecurities?

Yes to both, had friends and romance, but confused in recent years. Many of us drifted apart due to work and family.

It's hard to describe. A sense of moving towards what matters to me and not fitting in, anywhere. No outright rejection, just a feeling of not slotting in.
I feel stupid mentioning this but a lot of the people I do know tend to design a role for me and never really ask who I am or what I feel. Perhaps it's just a crappy phase. I am so used to this, it's tragic, I am on the cusp of a new life (end of relationship) so feel a bit concerned.

I think that perhaps “tolerated” is a bit self-deprecating, but it’s very easy at your age and stage in life to feel like there is nobody for whom you are the top priority, they only fit you in if none of their other friends or family got in first and they would not seek you out as first choice to do something with. That can be really sad when you want to plan a trip, go to an event etc.
If I’m honest you need to look out for other lonely people. And be very pro-active.
I say this as someone who was painfully single and socially abandoned all through my thirties as my friends settled down and had kids. My solution was quite radical - I moved continents to a place where quite a lot of people moved for work, leaving behind their social networks. Met my DH after a year there.

You sound very interesting and likeable.

A new start is on the cards, especially a move.
Wouldn't say I am lonely, just peopled with those who don't seem to see me. They have me in a box, so to speak, and presume I am not an evolving changing person.
What worries me is whenever I try to branch out - I feel like I don't fit. if I did it would be easier to move on.

Thank you!

Could you have anything deeper going on? CPTSD, neurodiversity, any kind of anxiety disorder that makes you overthink things?

I can really relate to the way you’re feeling. It knocks your confidence really badly doesn’t it? You sound somehow kind of reserved in your OP, so maybe people just don’t realise that you’re open to being friends with them (this was my problem, I came across as disinterested apparently).

I hope you mind me asking what you mean by ‘not run of the mill but not weird’ and how/if you choose the ‘niche’ groups you mention trying to approach ?

Do you have any hobbies or particular interests you have tried to join ?

I also wonder if you may have developed a sense of anxiety due to your experiences that people you meet could perceive, but not know the cause of ? So it can make people wonder if they risk upsetting you by certain things, but not know which ?

Have you tried making a list of your qualities, that you would therefore bring to a relationship, for confidence building ?

You sound quite a lot like me in many ways.

I think perhaps what you’re feeling isn’t that unusual, you are probably just more introspective and have found words to express it.
Remember not to judge your insides by other people’s outsides. It might look like everyone else has deep and meaningful friendships, but it's probably not the case.

I think ‘boxing’ people is common, a lot of people just go along with it and make it a part of their personality. In this way they feel seen… but in actually fact they’re just moulding themselves to others’ expectations. Those of us wi the a stronger sense of self resist the box, but can result in the not being seen feeling. I find that meeting new people helps. And reconnecting with those from my youth.

Oh op I hear you and I know that feeling oh so well. Do you find that you're often placed in the listener role? Are you the sounding board for other people's problems? Do you ever get your own needs met? One thing I have learnt, is not to wait for people to ask how you are and to get to know you - you sort of have to barge right in there with your thoughts and opinions, don't wait to be asked. people are very often conversationally lazy and are all to happy to talk about themselves without feeling the need to reciprocate. It's difficult if you've grown up thinking this is rude or have been shut down from expressing yourself, but in order to be seen and heard you have to be a little bullish at times!

@ElfShake Well you could have a point. And regarding seeming disinterested, I have had this said to me in the past, but nowadays I honestly can't see how it would come over that way. I will give this some thought.

@Godlovesall26 I am ordinary in the sense that I like and want people close to me, but am more on the introspective side, love books, philosophy and arts. Plenty people share my interests but it doesn't result in any natural sense of belonging. I will admit that my long term relationship hurt my confidence a good bit.

@meetmynewusername True I can't play games or adopt any kind of identity. I am reserved with my inner thoughts but am happy to know a diverse set of people. I appreciate that what people seem, their lives and whatnot are often a carefully selected illusion. New people are a must for me, I have no choice as I am at a crossroads.

@Retrohaul it is the other way around for me at the moment - no one tells me anything or shares.

Thank you for all of your comments:)

It's actually really hard to find a proper friend. But even they take years to get to know properly. Most people have friends in groups of circumstance, so aren't very close really. I think most friends are actually aquaintances

But are these friends the type to open up and share though, or are they just not connecting with you specifically? what do you think your role is in the friendship? You talk about feeling only "tolerated" but they have stuck around so they must like you on some level!

For your interests I made acquaintances by accepting that no one I knew would ever want to the opera for a ballet with me, much less subscribe for a season ! Then forced myself to go alone and chat a bit randomly. Ended up with people I clicked with, who remained at the acquaintance stage, which I was fine with, but the difference was booking seats nearby, and going out for a drink/meal after. It’s just a nice little social activity I enjoy.

For arts maybe research if there is a club who likes to visit new exhibitions ? They don’t have to become best friends, but it enriches your social life while also enjoying your passions, and you never know how some of those relationships might progress.

As you mentioned issues with a previous relationship linked to this, maybe just starting out slow for ex this way, you can have a nice little regular (that’s an important factor : once the ice is broken, the dates for the ballet season for example are set, you have some form of stability in a way) social life, and also conversations around shared interests are easier (especially just after the event you attended).

Just an idea, I’m an introvert too, and there is an element of putting yourself out there for sure, but usually people are happy to meet people with shared interests, particularly niche.

I feel stupid mentioning this but a lot of the people I do know tend to design a role for me and never really ask who I am or what I feel.

this is quite common in my experience too! I think it points to a problem with others though, not with you. Could it be that you’re gravitating towards people who feel familiar rather than people who feel good to spend time with? Once you’re aware of it it’s easier to stop yourself getting too involved with people who don’t allow you to be a separate person.