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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am not being unreasonable - Am I wrong ?

23 replies

Teddybear00 · 19/12/2022 21:51

sorry long post

Me & DH tied the knot officially a year ago (2 years delayed due to covid as wedding was abroad). DH side always seemed more supportive about coming to our wedding whereas my side continuously made it difficult and uncomfortable. 1st time we planned it out (just 6 months before covid) everyone got tickets and then covid happened & everything had to be pushed back. As soon as things "re-opened" we set the date again and my family just found any excuse to not be supportive, I even brought my parents ticket because it was important for me to have them there and they had no issues me getting them. However, restrictions came back and everything had to be delayed once more. Finally, when all restrictions were lifted we didn't want to ask the whole family again as we thought might be taking the piss (even though wasn't our fault) however, at all costs I would of expected at-least our parents to show up. Come my wedding day (abroad + had to be abroad) not one of my family had any intentions of coming & actually didn't come to my wedding at all. My DH family couldn't make it either (theirs more a money issue) so we ended up basically 'eloping'. I felt really happy but sad at the same time that my parents couldn't make the effort or WANT to come and watch me get married.

However, other extended family have got married and they have found every reason to attend many for cultural reasons. I can't help but get upset and make comments like "you couldn't come to my wedding but your making every effort to go to theirs". This ultimately leads to arguments and my parents trying to defend their actions by one of their excuses claiming it's far & they already tried once even though first time they go their money back and second time I even paid for their tickets.

Would you say AIBU or YANBU ? I personally couldn't imagine not making every effort in the world to attend my child's wedding.

OP posts:
Tusktusk · 19/12/2022 21:54

Yanbu- that is harsh. What is your relationship with your parents normally like?

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 19/12/2022 21:56

Without knowing why it HAD to be abroad, it's difficult to say. Rearranging three times for an overseas trip is going to be a massive ballache..work commitments etc, jumping through the COVID travelling hoops that have only recently subsided etc. I would absolutely have rearranged it for the UK...but as you've not stated why that's not an option, it's hard to judge.

Original poster
Teddybear00 · 19/12/2022 21:57

Tusktusk · 19/12/2022 21:54

Yanbu- that is harsh. What is your relationship with your parents normally like?

I love my parents a lot and we spend a lot of time together which is why it hurt more. I even took them to pick my dress and that was the only interaction 'wedding wise' my parents had with me.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 19/12/2022 21:58

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 19/12/2022 21:56

Without knowing why it HAD to be abroad, it's difficult to say. Rearranging three times for an overseas trip is going to be a massive ballache..work commitments etc, jumping through the COVID travelling hoops that have only recently subsided etc. I would absolutely have rearranged it for the UK...but as you've not stated why that's not an option, it's hard to judge.

This

hedgehoglurker · 19/12/2022 21:59

Why did the wedding have to be abroad? It's obviously your choice, but this would arguably affect who can and will attend, especially with travel restrictions during this pandemic.

Hercisback · 19/12/2022 21:59

Why did you have to be abroad?

Original poster
Teddybear00 · 19/12/2022 21:59

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 19/12/2022 21:56

Without knowing why it HAD to be abroad, it's difficult to say. Rearranging three times for an overseas trip is going to be a massive ballache..work commitments etc, jumping through the COVID travelling hoops that have only recently subsided etc. I would absolutely have rearranged it for the UK...but as you've not stated why that's not an option, it's hard to judge.

I didn't have a document (needed) in order to get married in UK + most countries so it had to be abroad as there was no requirements there.

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 19/12/2022 22:00

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 19/12/2022 21:56

Without knowing why it HAD to be abroad, it's difficult to say. Rearranging three times for an overseas trip is going to be a massive ballache..work commitments etc, jumping through the COVID travelling hoops that have only recently subsided etc. I would absolutely have rearranged it for the UK...but as you've not stated why that's not an option, it's hard to judge.

Also agree with this. After all the covid hassle it would have made sense to have the wedding in the U.K. Without knowing your reason for having it abroad it’s hard to comment.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 19/12/2022 22:01

Is your marriage legally recognised in the uk?

I think if you’re getting married abroad in the middle of a global pandemic you can’t be sniffy if people don’t come.

Hercisback · 19/12/2022 22:03

Are you legally married in the UK now?

SavingKitten · 19/12/2022 22:03

YABU it was delayed several times so you can’t blame them for not coming, it’s understandable to be sad but throwing it in their faces and starting arguments about it is totally unreasonable.

Purplechicken207 · 19/12/2022 22:03

A document you couldn't get with several years delays? I'd have had a cheap ceremony somewhere to make it legal, and then a party in this country, dressed for the wedding etc (and a blessing or similar if religious). I have family who did that (married and party in her home country, blessing and party back here).
I'd bend over backwards to attend a wedding for my child, but all the delays and rearranging for a wedding abroad would definitely have rankled. Abroad where? Long haul flights because you wanted a hol too, or Europe/close by?

Original poster
Teddybear00 · 19/12/2022 22:05

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 19/12/2022 22:01

Is your marriage legally recognised in the uk?

I think if you’re getting married abroad in the middle of a global pandemic you can’t be sniffy if people don’t come.

Now it is yes.

We didn't get married during the pandemic which is why everything got cancelled/ pushed back. To support family coming I got my parents tickets but it's the attitude behind it. The third time, we realised it might be awkward now asking anyone to come which is why we didn't ask anymore but I thought regardless parents should be a different case. My parents don't have any commitments at the time that could have stopped them. Also, it's the comments they make & the lack of support for it all. It's always going to other peoples weddings (also abroad) but have ever excuse under the sun why it couldn't be mine.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 19/12/2022 22:05

Teddybear00 · 19/12/2022 21:59

I didn't have a document (needed) in order to get married in UK + most countries so it had to be abroad as there was no requirements there.

Show quote history

Still don’t understand. What document meant you had no option but to go abroad for?

We got married overseas too and as many people will say on mumsnet you have to accept (as we always did) that some people won’t make it.

SavingKitten · 19/12/2022 22:07

Teddybear00 · 19/12/2022 22:05

Now it is yes.

We didn't get married during the pandemic which is why everything got cancelled/ pushed back. To support family coming I got my parents tickets but it's the attitude behind it. The third time, we realised it might be awkward now asking anyone to come which is why we didn't ask anymore but I thought regardless parents should be a different case. My parents don't have any commitments at the time that could have stopped them. Also, it's the comments they make & the lack of support for it all. It's always going to other peoples weddings (also abroad) but have ever excuse under the sun why it couldn't be mine.

Show quote history

Do they like the person you married?

Original poster
Teddybear00 · 19/12/2022 22:09

@SavingKitten

At first no because they weren't from my culture but over the years yes.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 19/12/2022 22:10

None of this really makes sense.

Did you even invite them the third time?

Original poster
Teddybear00 · 19/12/2022 22:11

Hercisback · 19/12/2022 22:10

None of this really makes sense.

Did you even invite them the third time?

My parents yes

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 19/12/2022 22:18

Wouldn’t it have been easier to get your paperwork in order to marry here? Or do legal part abroad and have a ‘wedding’ blessing/party here.
No parents attending I’d assume they didn’t approve of marriage or it was a hassle to get to. Even if you paid for flight there would be other expenses and not everyone wants to fly especially in pandemic, might not want to meet vaccination requirements, can get insurance etc.

Original poster
Teddybear00 · 19/12/2022 22:44

Dixiechickonhols · 19/12/2022 22:18

Wouldn’t it have been easier to get your paperwork in order to marry here? Or do legal part abroad and have a ‘wedding’ blessing/party here.
No parents attending I’d assume they didn’t approve of marriage or it was a hassle to get to. Even if you paid for flight there would be other expenses and not everyone wants to fly especially in pandemic, might not want to meet vaccination requirements, can get insurance etc.

With paperwork stuff it's something I didn't have have and wouldn't of been able to get on time anyway. That is not the issue as its something my family knew about so there was no question around it. The issue is their attitude. We didn't get married during the pandemic we pushed everything to avoid all that hassle. In the end we only left invites open to our immediate but they didn't make an effort what so ever. After the wedding we said we would do the big part with all family in our hometown which I know wouldn't be an issue to attend as they all travel there for the holidays so I would of done it to fit in that timeframe. However, they are making issues out of that also (cultural thing) I am not even asking for money from them just to flipping attend and support me but it just seems they don't take me serious or don't see the big deal if a wedding. It affects me because I feel it's because I am married to someone who is not from my culture and think if it had been someone from my hometown they would of fully invested time, money and energy into it. I have tried to reason with them but the more I think about it, how do they have the energy to attend non family members weddings and make it a MUST but me their child it wasn't feasible.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 19/12/2022 22:50

Im so sorry OP.

You might love your parents, but for whatever reason they dont seem to be that into you.

Instead of spending all your money on a party to win their approval - please get some therapy so you can learn how to not care what they think.

user1471457751 · 19/12/2022 22:51

But surely with the couple of years delay you would have been able to sort the paperwork on time?

AkoraEdelherb · 19/12/2022 22:53

I'm sorry your parents didn't come to the wedding. A whole year has now passed and (understandably) you're still upset, but I don't think bringing it up every time someone else gets married is helpful. Your parents obviously can't go back in time and attend the wedding, might it be a good idea to speak with someone and try and re-channel your feelings so that you're not so affected by it when you see them? If you think that might be possible?

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