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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no more presents next year

20 replies

goldenapplecake · 19/12/2022 20:37

Really thinking of saying no presents next year. Is this U when there are young dc.
BIL every year fails to get our dc gift to her for Christmas despite us always making sure his dc get theirs.
We have lots of nieces and nephews but ourselves only one dc so end up buying far more than we receive I know that's not the point but it's tedious and then no one says what they want so it's more admin to guess what the dc want and I'm already overwhelmed with work and school stuff.

MIL expects a fancy gift then gets us the most awful cheap present from somewhere like the pound shop. She has more money than we do so but she is mega tight with ££££ unless it's about our present then it has to be nice. Apparently.
Aibu to just say no more next year or am I being a Scrooge? I don't have any family of my own so I do care quite a lot less than if it was my own family. Especially as dh literally would get nothing anyway. Sigh.

OP posts:

pinneddownbytabbies · 19/12/2022 20:46

Irritating isn't it? For years we bought five presents and got one back. I know that's not the way to think about it really, but well.

NuffSaidSam · 19/12/2022 20:49

YANBU

Just do presents for your own child/each other and not with the extended family.

girlmom21 · 19/12/2022 20:49

We only buy for nieces and nephews and our parents now (and each other).

We don't spend a lot - probably £30pp max for anyone not in our household.

It's much more fun to find good presents on a budget.

Aprilx · 19/12/2022 20:51

I think not getting a present to yours on time is lazy and pretty poor. But I really find the opinion that people resent buying for nieces and nephews because there are more of them unpleasant. I am childless not through choice, and I have graciously given presents to two nieces and two nephews whilst expecting nothing in return.

SarahAndQuack · 19/12/2022 20:52

I think it's perfectly fine to say no presents, or to tell your DH you won't be doing presents for his side.

If your MIL expects a fancy gift but buys tat for others, then if you do buy her gifts, they ought to be simple. Not tat because that's petty, but not messing around buying something very expensive/hard to find. Wrap her up a bar of nice chocolate or something and if she comments, say 'yes, DH and I realised last year you wanted to go for token presents - it's much better for DC not to have too much, isn't it? We thought you had just the right idea'.

SarahAndQuack · 19/12/2022 20:58

Aprilx · 19/12/2022 20:51

I do understand where you're coming from, but this is a view that only works if you're fairly comfortable and if there aren't large numbers involved, surely? A member of my extended family has over 20 nieces and nephews. She herself has one child. Even if she only bought one item worth £1 for each niece/nephew, she would have spent more than her budget for her own son. I don't think anyone would expect her to do that.

Original poster

goldenapplecake · 19/12/2022 21:00

@Aprilx yes that's fair enough. It's not so much there are more dc than ours, more that they literally could not care less. Always at the last minute they request exactly what our dc wants (asked us yesterday) otherwise it will then be nothing but if we ask the other way around for exact gift requests for their dc we get met with for example lots of vague answers like 'well they like cars' and then we have to guess what cars. Then after Christmas we'll all have a FaceTime only to find they have 5 of the same toy given to them. Maybe that's normal I don't know as I don't have a family and had a dysfunctional upbringing. All seems silly to me.

I'm not quite sure why I find myself buzzing around every year attempting to please everyone. Quite sure that part is my fault entirely but again I don't have a family so I try hard but they don't act like they like me anyway.

Knowing my own dc won't even get their gift on time and probably receive it well into January as well as it being delivered by whoever else can be bothered to bring it. Just gets me down I suppose.
I know that dh would get them nothing if left to it. Maybe I should just leave it to him next year but I'd probably feel worse them expecting something and getting nothing.

OP posts:

Mybestyear · 19/12/2022 21:01

I’ve spent (a very long) lunch today listening to a friend moaning about the very same shit. I’ll tell you what I told her - don’t do it!! No-one is putting a gun to your head. Stop martyring yourself. A tenner in a card to the nieces and nephews and toiletries /booze for MIL. If they don’t like it - tough. I really don’t understand why people give themselves so much stress over what others think of them. They don’t care about you!

Original poster

goldenapplecake · 19/12/2022 21:03

@Mybestyear haha thanks. I'm thinking my dh is thinking exactly the same as you. I don't mean to be a martyr, I'd like to send them all a petty message saying you can all FO this year. I'm trying to find a more eloquent way of saying it.

OP posts:

popperoo · 19/12/2022 21:04

We said no presents to nieces and nephews a few years ago and it makes Christmas so much less stressful, it's really taken the load off! I was the one who suggested it to my brothers and sisters and everyone was just as happy as me to stop. We still do birthdays though

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 19/12/2022 21:05

YANBU
tell them early in the year and remind them closer to next year. Save the cash.

piedbeauty · 19/12/2022 21:07

Your MIL has a cheek!

We set a limit for gifts in our family, so we know we're all spending roughly the same.

I also see your pov about buying for lots of nephews. You could suggest a limit per family, say £20, then get eg a nice family board game with that. Doesn't matter how many dc you have then!

Beautiful3 · 19/12/2022 21:10

We stopped buying presents for everyone 10 years ago. Its great, we now spend more on our kids and just gift token presents for those who still buy for our kids. It's literally biscuits/chocolates for the girls to gift.

spidereggs · 19/12/2022 21:16

I had a baby last Xmas, 20th December, my third.

I fell over backwards sorting presents for sil and BIL, from a specific list.

Let's say they were dining at a set and agreed budget at a five star restaurant, I got loose tea.

So I sent a message Boxing Day saying no more. I'm only doing children.

rhnireland · 19/12/2022 21:26

We do secret Santa with set amounts per family. It's great as everyone is buying and receiving a gift that is wanted, less waste, less stress and less expense. I started doing it with my husband's side as it was their approach for a while and now my side does it too.

Mybestyear · 19/12/2022 21:41

goldenapplecake · 19/12/2022 21:03

Well if you feel the need to do it nicely…..dear BIL/MIL/other CFs - I’ve been reading a lot about over consumption and its effects on our lovely planet. So we have decided not to add to this therefore from now on, rather than exchanging gifts, we will be making a donation to the world wildlife fund/save the children/friends of the earth in your name. Happy Christmas love golden xx

Coconutmangoprune · 19/12/2022 21:43

Yabu, a lot of this is of your own making and it’s quite mean not to get presents for your nieces and nephews imo. Also kids love presents from auntys, uncles, friends etc.

just spend 10-15 per person including mother in law. Get something thoughtful and small, job done. No need for fretting about fancy gifts etc, people get what they’re given. I wouldn’t be concerned if mil doesn’t like it.

Original poster

goldenapplecake · 19/12/2022 21:53

Maybe a token gift would work. I do like the idea of just outright saying nothing so we don't have the extra admin.I definitely will scale back on MIL I just feel the expectations are there and not helped by her comparing our present to dh siblings as well.

@Coconutmangoprune even when my dc aunties and uncles cba to get the present to them our dc each year by Christmas. Seems a bit low given our dc has no other family. Only them and us. Their dc have extended family and get more. I think it's awful and hurts enough that I've ended thinking enough is enough.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 02/11/2023 15:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

PomegranateRose · 02/11/2023 16:03

Absolutely not unreasonable in theory. My family is relatively small, almost all adults, and not very close knit, so technically not taxing or a lot of expectation compared to many. Mostly because of how much everything has gone up in cost this year especially, we are just doing a secret santa amongst the adults with a £50 limit, and with each person having provided a few ideas of what they would like from different price points within that so nobody gets stuck.

Kids do complicate things of course but I'm sure there are workarounds others can chip in too. Call me a scrooge but with your context I'd just be getting a family game or something similarly collective for the nieces and nephews - one per household "set" of kids - and doing either no gifts or secret santa for adults aside from my partner. I do think this year it might be seen as a bit late to leave that latter change though as some may have started buying already - in theory they could save for birthdays etc. but it's more likely to ruffle feathers to announce new plans this "close" to Christmas imo.

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