To give up on the group chat

[cadburyegg]

We have a WhatsApp group chat I set up years ago when ex and I were still together, primarily to share photos of the DC. In the group now is me, ex, my mum, and ex's parents.

It is still used for the purpose of sharing photos and being as I do 90% of the parenting I am usually the one who shares them, and I know everyone appreciates seeing them, including my ex. I have posted on here several times about how ex makes minimal effort with the DC.

The issue I have now is that my ex and his mum often use the chat now for completely irrelevant stuff, ex will use it to talk about work quite often. Ex also goes on and on about how he misses the DC so the grandparents feel sorry for him, but then he won't make the effort to see them, and won't reply to my messages to arrange contact.

And yesterday I shared a video into the chat of DC1 dancing and singing and being silly, ex has replied today saying how much he misses them "please tell them I miss them" etc. as it happens my mum has the DC tonight for a sleepover, she made a video and sent it to the chat of them saying "we love and miss you daddy" etc.

Am I overreacting to feel this is a bit of a slap in the face. Ex has them maybe 3 nights in 21, my mum will have them for an occasional sleepover. I am very close to just leaving the group chat but then that will get everyone flustered and chatting amongst themselves. I feel quite angry atm and feel like my mum is enabling ex's useless behaviour. AIBU?

Do you need to leave OP? Can you have a chat with your mum and explain how you feel? If she wants to make videos like that then she can and it’s up to her.
Personally I would mute it and stop posting pictures there. Just send pictures directly to his mum or dad once every few months if you still want to. If anyone queries where you are just say you’re busy and don’t have time to post much. It’s not your responsibility.

I agree I would mute the chat and stop adding stuff on there. You can send your own parents photos etc.

Personally I find the whole set up quite bizarre. I also think have a word with your mum about the video she sent. Has she coached the children to say “we miss you dad“ or would they have genuinely wanted to make that video.

When you ask your ex via the group chat why he says he misses them but never actually wants to see or arrange to see them do any of the others reply and ask him why he doesn't make the effort?

You’re not overreacting. You’re unintentionally enabling his poor parenting. My ex has hardly any involvement with our children by choice too. He used to take photos I’d taken and put them on social media pretending he’s a good father and he even had the nerve to pretend he’d done things with them that he had zero involvement in. I’ve blocked him on everything now. If he wants photos of them, he can spend time with his children. I’d leave this WhatsApp group.

I would be replying to your ex in the chat for all to see - if he says ‘I miss the kids’ just reply and say ‘you’re welcome to see them xyz dates, let me know when you’re coming to pick them up’.

I would leave the chat - not because of your mum's video but more because of your ex's comments about missing the DC which would really irritate me. Let him see the DC and take photos himself if he wants to.

If I was you on that group chat and the ex said something about missing the children, I would absolutely respond for everyone to see, that there is nothing stopping him from seeing the children more other than he can’t be bothered.

Close the chat and just send photos to individuals or not at all

Absolutely this. OP why aren't you shutting that shit down whenever he sends it? He'll soon stop using it for manipulation if he looks like an idiot in front of all the grandparents each time

Id mute/archive/leave the chat.
Agree with PP send his parent a pic every other month or so. That relationship is for HIM to facilitate and if he doesn't then its on him.

Don't make it easy for him to not see his kids by facilitating on online relationship that allows him to pretend to himself he is a parent. He probably still wont be a parent but noone is then pretending. And its all a bit more honest and real.

Your mum is a separate issue. I think she was thoughtless, unaware and insensitive and naive. At worst manipulative and a stirrer. Depending on how she is likely to respond id try and chat to her or given that she is your main source of support and childcare then let it go.