Declining Christmas invitation (again)

[LoveMyPiano]

I am "from" a large family - but really just have the same surname (as most).

I almost cannot remember the last time I saw many of this side of the family (paternal - not including the "pater"--- he is far far away) - my closest Uncle is now 86 and his wife not well with dementia. We have been in contact by letter and phone, until the last year when my calls seemed to be a nuisance, and I did not have an address for them to use. We have still been messaging a bit.

My cousin (of four in that family) - eldest daughter (of theirs) will always invite me at Christmas, and I always, politely, decline. She lives not far from her parents.

I just don't feel that I can go along and "blend in", after all these years (let alone my Uncle's little-concealed (even now) disdain. He once said that I don't go because I "want to be the centre of attention". That is not true at all, but he does have some dislike of me, even now (too long a story).

The thing is, I simply cannot hold up my end of the conversations (and I am VERY good at general small talk) when there is only me and there are only so many ways I can express interest, concern, excitement, sadness - when there are so many of them (potentially 12-20 for Christmas Day). It isn't that I consider myself to be of interest - far far from it. I do not, in fact, WANT to say ANYthing about myself......

But I know that even in declining, and if I say nothing that is rude, or dismissive, I am seen as unsociable (I probably am, these days) and not caring about this "side" of the family. There are some religious differences, and theirs always trumps mine, but that's always been the case, and would not be a deterrent.

I don't think I can properly explain as even that would be seen as me being self-interested. But I suppose I do worry that time is running out.

(I really do just try to get through this time of year, without bring anyone else down, and wait for it to be over. Family gatherings are not something I can do.)

It sounds like your uncle’s family is large but you are actually just from a small branch of it? So is your own family actually quite small if at this gathering there are 12-20 of them but just you?

Where do your parents go for Christmas? Your partner or siblings?

YANBU for declining if you don’t want to go.

I think we need more info. Who is far far away? Your father?

Do you have any other family?

Is there anyone you want to see from this side of the family?

It seems a shame to miss out on a family get together just because of your uncle. My uncle is of a similar age and is also cranky. When I arrive, I go up to him, shake his hand with a big smile and ask how he is. And then I ignore him for for the rest of the evening as much as possible.

If you don't want to go don't. I.habe been invited to my sister a d friends house but as I anticipate putting a dampened on things down,partner committed suicide last year, I have declined. They respect my wishes. Bath,book,nice food and probably a period drama to watch.

It sounds like you aren’t close to them and don’t want to go and, after all these years, it probably won’t make any difference if you do anyway 🤷‍♀️. I would just leave it and not worry about time running out (what will you really miss if it does run out?)

Sorry about typos. Need to start previewing first

Oh, it's such a long and complicated story - also boring, I know.

I grew up around these cousins, my father (Uncle is his brother, and I was always connected to this side, not the maternal - for very very long time) dumped me on his parents, and we have intermittent contact, unhealthily, and on his terms. He is almost never even on the same land mass, and purposely never on my wavelength.

It is not even really about my Uncle, and as I said, he has always felt disdain for me, which has worsened lately, due to my failings (which I agree with). I have always liked him though.

I just could not cope sufficiently with 1) numbers 2) length of time since contact - which is EVER in some cases (adult children of cousins, and THEIR little ones etc) 3) consequently, how much "catching up" would be necessary, even just to be polite....

If I hadn't given up alcohol, it would be needed - but forbidden for their religion.

There is only me.
(Which is "fine" - except at this time of year....)

@BCBird Oh no - I am sorry that happened. The thing is, there shouldn't be an expectation or feeling of putting a damper on things..... It's all just human, and feelings. But you should definitely be able to spend the time as you prefer xx

Typos always excused.

I think fuck em. You’re a grown adult and don’t have to answer to these people. You sound like you do just fine without them the rest of the year!

It sounds like it would be utter hell for me. So not unreasonable to turn it down and never ever go.
What is it your worried about?
Them talking about you? You wont hear it, give it no thought.
Them phoning you and calling you odd/weird/selfish/ pick a word?
Who cares, you never have to be in their company so either ignore, dont answer the phone , whatever you need to do.

I grew up almost like a sister with my cousin, yet since adulthood I've seen her three times in 35 years and that's far too often. Your not joined at the hip.

Dear Cousin (Child of Uncle DickHead)
Sorry I can't come at Christmas. I have plans.
Have a lovely time and please sent my best regards to your family.
Best Wishes
@LoveMyPiano

Can you not just politely decline but maybe suggest a picnic and catch up with some of the cousins in the summer? Maybe she was hoping that you would sit and occupy uncle and aunt discussing the old days while she enjoys having her children and grandchildren around. Not saying that you should go but that is probably what would end up happening.

@Moonatics Phew - I am relieved to hear that someone else would find it hell too.

I know they think I am rude, as I never go, and they always invite me - until even I believe I am being rude - which is a far simper explanation I guess.
I know that I not rude, and I do care - but because there is Only Me, I actually have to make the effort, but no-one ever tells me anything and then it's all catching up, and I can't be upset that no-one told me something important. Am I to always be tapping at the window like a Vampire??
(So I stop doing it - and it becomes "OK"/the only way for things to be.)

[Complicated further by them always having get-togethers with my Father when he visits England, but they are not allowed to include me on his say-so. It's effed up, so I am best just keeping out of it - but I wish they could just try to understand.]

Your uncle’s dislike of you actually buys you your freedom here. Nothing you could do would please him - so why not please yourself? As you say, if you don’t go, he’ll complain that you’re rude and ungrateful - but if you do go, he’ll make you feel miserable by picking at your perceived flaws anyway. So don’t go. That way, the only person who could possibly be happy in this scenario - i.e. you - has a chance of being happy.

It sounds like you're overthinking.

She always invites you, you always decline.

Therefore I doubt very much anyone expects you to accept this year either.

My dream is to spend the entire Christmas period alone, not even with my own children or partner. I've not done it yet but hoping soon my adult children will want to start making their own Christmas and my partner goes to his mum or something. Sounds mean but I really want to eat what I like, no consideration for others, read a book, watch shite TV, dance like no one is watching, because no one will be watching. And other stuff of course.

Have you given any thought to the fact that maybe they invite you to fulfil family obligations but actually dont want you to turn up for reasons? Especially after all this time of you not going? Dont get upset at that it's just a thought.

@WomanStanleyWoman2
Yes! Grateful is the word that is applied - again, due to being Only Me (it wasn't always this way - but back then, they didn't invite US (including daughter), as they didn't like my husband....

A few years ago, I made a real mess of attending a Carol Service at their Church (LDS), made my Uncle cross with my lack of understanding, and the year after when I declined the invitation to go to the Service again (same cousin who is inviting me now), she said I should "grateful", and "try these things". (Once bitten twice shy, actually.)

You're right. I don't usually overthink it this much (it is the time thing, I think).

If I did turn up accept the invite, not just show up....), it would probably backfire spectacularly, like the Carol Service.

As is it Only Me, they do think I must be desperate, lonely, or both.
And yet, if I was, and admitted it - I would be told to rely on my own resources.

So that's what I do.

Well you willbe out of the country won`t you you have a rather special invite to spend the period in Spain/Germany/Scotland pick the most suitable.

Of course!

(BIg cartoon wink)

But you mention your daughter - who is she spending Christmas with?

Did you lose your husband and daughter? I hope they are still with you and you can spend it with them?

I think once families have uncles and aunts who become grandparents then family gatherings often evolve to contain just their immediate family.

Her husband/overseas (has been for quite a while).

I agree - so they don't need to pity-invite me.

However, the background to this family situation and my part in it is not quite "normal".

But I do not agree with discarding one element of a family because a new one comes along, by whatever means.

Not lost them, as in deceased. My daughter is married, overseas.
Although my ex-husband might be dead ..... I actually don't know.