Division of parental duties

[Birkinbag]

In a family where one parent works full time and the other is a SAHP, would you consider it fair for all childcare outside of standard working hours to be split equally, or would you expect the SAHP to pick up more of the bedtimes/bathtimes etc?

If the working outside the home parent works 9-5 then the SAH parent's "job" is also 9-5. Outside of those hours parenting should be 50/50. Why should one of you work 8h a daya d the other work 24/7? Bit of a raw deal there.

That's how we did it on my mat leave and how my brothers have also done it with their wives.

It massively depends. Is the working parent doing a thankless, stressful job or are they pursuing a career they feel passionately about? Do the kids still nap? Go to preschool? Both parents need time to themselves and the working parent definitely needs to spend time with their children one on one and they all need time together as a family. How much down time they need exactly really depends on the cricumstances (a mum breastfeeding triplet babies and twin toddlers and doing all the night wakings will need more downtime than the mum of a two year old who nap an hour a day and goes to preschool three mornings a week).

Overall, assuming the SAHP is more or less working all the hours that the FT worker does, then bath and bedtime should be split. My DH wanted to spend time with his young DCs when he got in from work though, so he bathed DD and put her to bed while I made tea.

How does your DP see things?

I work full-time and DH is a SAHD. We alternate who does bedtime. Unless I'm travelling for work.

Just to add when mine were little by the time DH got home from work I was touched out and DH wanted cuddles so I passed both kids to him while I did housework. So it wasn't like either of us were off duty but he was gettng time with the kids and I had some time without anyone talking to me or grabing at my boobs!

Depends really..... how good a sleeper is the (child)ren - if it involves night feeds and broken sleep etc then the STAHP does the bedtimes etc. going to work in a stressful job when you are the sole earner on little to no sleep potentially is not the same as being a STAHP on no sleep the next day. But depends on the other persons job doesn't it?

If bedtimes are relatively "easy" then yes split them but so much depends on things we really don't know

But this thread will just descend into the inevitable argument about whether parenting your own child is the same as paid employment

Depends what age the kids are and what the job is.
If the working parent is say a hospital doctor and the kids are at school then the SAHP probably gets much more free time overall so think it's fair they do more in evenings and weekends to balance it out.

If the working parent works in an office normal office hours and the kids are pre school age or younger then being at home is probably as intense if not more than working so the worker should do 50 50.

Also depends on whether they have other help and whether kids are up in the night and who sorts them out etc

In general though I think you shouldn't be a parent if you think you dont have to do any parenting at home because you also have a job outside the house

Depends on the age of the kids.

A 5 and 7 year old who are both in primary school, then SAHP should do more on evening.
A 1 and 3 year old neither at nursery, then working parent should do more on evening.

Equal.

What that looks like depends. DD didn't sleep for two years so DH did the housework because I was destroyed. If I had a sleeping school aged child, I'd do most of it.

Basically, same child- and housework-free time.

I think it depends, I’m not going to sit here and lie saying looking after my own child was hard work, it wasn’t, my actual job was 1000x worse as was DHs.

When I was on mat leave he wanted to split parenting when home, but if he didn’t I wouldn’t have minded as it’s not that difficult to look after a child. Childcare workers are classified as low skilled for a reason. I think SAHPs want to believe their role at home is equal to a role outside of the home, but unless your child has additional needs, you have multiple children or had a piss easy job beforehand that’s unlikely to be the case.

I think you mean it's not that difficult to look after your child. Having had one screaming puking non-sleeping devil spawn baby and one who in reality was probably pretty average, but in comparison was The Easiest Baby Ever, I can say it really does depend on the child's personality (and what job you're comparing it to!).
I have a skilled manual job, often working outside, and pre-DCs was working to tight deadlines and out of the house 6.30am-7.30pm. This was definitely easier than being a SAHP to baby/toddler DD1! (She eventually shed her horns and has grown into a lovely 8yo now) DH has an office/WFH job with a lot of responsibility and deadlines but it isn't that hectic (he can easily slope off for appointments etc if needed) and on his WFH days he spends an awful lot of his time on the phone just having a general natter. His job is easier than looking after even chilled baby DD2.

OP we aim for equal leisure/down time. We did the same as a PP of handing DCs to DH in the evening whilst I cracked on with housework. It gave me a break from being constantly pawed at, and DH the time he wanted to spend with DCs. Once we had 2 DCs, DH would do night wakings for the toddler, whilst I did all the baby's wakings.

Well yes, if you bothered to read my comment I have said looking after multiple children is probably the caveat, same applies to children with additional needs.

Looking after one average child is not, and never will be ‘work’ of any meaningful value or stress, the only people who think this way are SAHPs

I’m a SAHM of 4. Have been at home 8 years and in that time my husband has worked a few different kinds of job, full time with a commute, self employed from home and (currently) a mix of the two - so mostly home based but some commutes. Over the years what we’ve done has chopped and changed as we’ve added more kids but generally speaking…I do any night wakings, he does any early starts from 5am. He either takes the two school aged kids to school or he helps me to get all 4 out the door so I can do school run. I don’t bother him 9-5. He quite often has to do more hours but will usually stop at 5-7 to help (or do) bedtime and if he needs to carry on after bedtime he will. Usually he can relax for the rest of the evening. On Saturday mornings he gives me a lie in and a couple of hours to myself, on Sunday I give the same to him. I do all of the “invisible” work of parenting - dealing with all school/medical admin, buying bday presents. I also do all the food shopping and cooking. The main thing for me is that he helps when he can (and he does). I think shooting for a rigid 50:50 split is quite likely to lead to resentment and frustration. Parenting is exhausting for both parents. I find it all FAR easier when my husband is working from home.

Yup, and if you read my post you'd see I said taking care of DC1 was much much harder than my job... DC2 came along a couple of years later and was a breeze to look after.

Everything @RegularNameChangerVersion21 said in the 2nd reply.

This is a massive "it depends" question

Equal leisure time more or less. So I might some days get my leisure time during the day if the kids have a play date etc. And I'll take on more at night. Or if I did something nice and didn't bother to finish making the beds or whatever. But most key he pitches in 50:50 once he's home.

Yes, exactly.

It depends on the ages of the DC. A newborn and a toddler is vastly different to two primary aged kids.

I don’t think you’re all that bright. Do you not understand what the term ‘average’ means.

You had a child more difficult than the average, stop being silly and move on

Roughly 50/50 outside of the working hours.

🙄