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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude and be annoyed

18 replies

Mincespie · 18/12/2022 22:13

Months ago I mentioned to my partner about meeting up with my best friend and partner for Christmas meal. At the time he grumbled a little about coming as the partner is very hard to talk to but agreed to come. two weeks ago I asked if he was coming and he grumbled a little again about partner and we had a little joke but I said that if he didn’t want to come he didn’t have too but just to let me know now he said he would come. I then spoke to my friend and we could only do a certain day so Friend said not to worry partner will leave work early that day so we can meet (self employed). I then booked a table We are going In a few days and he’s said he dosnt want to come now. I’ve told him it’s ruined for him to cancel last minute and that if I say he can’t come the partner won’t go and I can just have a girly evening. I’ve said no he will still come as they both mentioned wanting to come to this new restaurant for ages and he’s booked the late afternoon of work so they can make it. I’m also a annoyed too as it was supposed to be a lovely Christmas double date and she’s my best friend. I do agree he’s a little awkward to get on with but he’s a nice guy and their a great couple together.

OP posts:
SunshineLoving · 18/12/2022 22:19

He should definitely go when he agreed to go. He sounds awkward and tiring.

Original poster
Mincespie · 18/12/2022 22:21

The thing is he’s never like this or done this before he’s come to anything I’ve ever asked or mentioned.

OP posts:
Coconutmangoprune · 18/12/2022 22:23

Doesn’t matter he should come. This friend is important to you thus he should make the effort.

RunnerBum · 18/12/2022 22:25

Sometimes (especially around Christmas with many social events) people don't have capacity to socialise (especially with people who are tedious and unsociable) - even when they previously believed they'd have capacity. It's frustrating for you but you can't make him go. He doesn't want to, it'll be unpleasant for him, I have sympathy for you both.

slashlover · 18/12/2022 22:26

I think he should go as he previously agreed but from now it it just be you and your friend without partners.

PlentyOFool · 18/12/2022 22:42

Unless you're expecting him to pay, I don't understand the problem. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to esp if he's going to be an antichrist about it. I have a DH who often has to work long stretches away from home and if I didn't socialise by myself, I'd never see anyone.

Original poster
Mincespie · 18/12/2022 23:04

.He also won a bet today and it wasn’t much but when I said well done bet your happy are you going to get yourself something nice with it he said he would spend it on the dinner next week. I have adhd and didn’t understand he was joking so when I left to go wash my hair I assumed he had changed his mind. I went back into the living room this evening and I asked what his plans where with work this week he mentioned when he had meetings and when he was breaking up for Christmas etc he also mentioned not coming out to dinner. I said I thought you where now coming he claimed he was only joking. That’s when I got annoyed and he tried to blame me for bringing it up all day. I said I mentioned it once this morning as I confirmed the reservation time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mincespie · 18/12/2022 23:04

No i don’t expect him to go or pay but it’s rude to cancel last minute and instead of nice double date someone will probably end up 3rd wheeling either me or the partner.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 18/12/2022 23:16

In the first place, I think it is fair if he had said he wouldn't come, but the point is here, he did say he would come so it is very rude of him to pull out at this point after the arrangements have been made.
If he'd said no in the first place then you and your friend would have made different arrangements to see one another.

Original poster
Mincespie · 18/12/2022 23:21

Yes had he said he wasn’t coming I would of maybe picked something else to do just the two of us.

OP posts:
WreckedUmbrella · 18/12/2022 23:36

I'm sorry, but it just sounds like he is gaslighting you, and playing cat and mouse with you.

He says he can, then he can't, then he can, then he can't....

He's just playing with you, nastily, like a cat plays with a captured, injured mouse.

Do what you want to do, without him. If your friends ask about why isn't he present, tell the, straight out, he couldn't be arsed.

Mumma · 18/12/2022 23:44

You have him an out by saying he didnt have to if he didnt want to and now hes taken that to the extreem and cancelled last minute.
He should go though. Does he realise how important it is to you?

inthecitylateatnight · 18/12/2022 23:56

PlentyOFool · 18/12/2022 22:42

Unless you're expecting him to pay, I don't understand the problem. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to esp if he's going to be an antichrist about it. I have a DH who often has to work long stretches away from home and if I didn't socialise by myself, I'd never see anyone.

an antichrist?!

QueefQueen80s · 19/12/2022 00:38

He should come this time as he said he would but doesn't have to go in future.. you don't have to go out as a couple. I never enjoyed couple dates.

HeddaGarbled · 19/12/2022 00:45

Yeah, I’d go with begging him to come this time because it will be awkward and embarrassing to back out now, but promise that you will never never arrange a double date with this couple again.

Lost123454 · 19/12/2022 00:47

Your partner doesn't want to go and you know the other guy is awkward, why are you forcing the issue of having a double date?

Just except the facts and meet your friend on your own

GoldenCagedBird · 19/12/2022 00:51

Lost123454 · 19/12/2022 00:47

Your partner doesn't want to go and you know the other guy is awkward, why are you forcing the issue of having a double date?

Just except the facts and meet your friend on your own

The fact that her boyfriend is quite fucking rude?

NumberTheory · 19/12/2022 00:56

It was rude of him to agree to go but cancel on you later after you’d made arrangements without a good reason.

But I think you’re probably being a bit unreasonable too. It sounds like you’re pressuring him to do things he doesn’t enjoy. You characterize it as ”supposed to be a lovely Christmas double date and she’s my best friend.” despite clearly knowing he doesn’t actually enjoy the company of her partner. It’s like you’re pretending you live in a world where your partner and your best friend’s partner get on great and it’s some sort of treat for him too. It’s a bit gas lighty (in a very mild way).

Perhaps if you’d been more up front in acknowledging the fact he’d be doing you a big favour he’d have been less inclined to pull out late in the game.

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