AIBU for feeling like a failure supporting DH grief

chronictonic · 2022-12-18T21:19:46+00:00

My DH is going through the most horrible time. Lost his dad just 6 weeks ago.. now his mum is in end of life care. It's been a very hard time. We live 6/7 hours away by car, so I've been home with DD9 during term time trying to keep things relaitovely 'normal' and routine for her. DH is obviously simultaneously grieving and stressed. I do my utmost to be a rock. To be supportive, patient, kind and make sure he has minimal Other worries right now. But sometimes, it feels like nothing I say is right. Like I cant win when all I'm trying to do is make things as stress free as possible at this time. I want so badly to be his rock right now, and i feel like a failure, but I also know that part of grief is being irrational and frustrated. I guess I would like other people's experiences of similar experiences.. either supporting a partner at a hard time like this.. or the other side..

Original poster

chronictonic · 18/12/2022 21:31

I'm currently torn as to whether to text him and see how he is, and how she is. Or whether to just leave it as it honestly feels like anyting I say just pisses him
Off.

OP posts:

cavily1806 · 18/12/2022 21:33

Message him. Even "love you, thinking of you" is better than nothing. I know it's hard for you right now and he probably isn't acting like it but he needs you

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 18/12/2022 21:40

It's best, in my opinion, to be supportive in a reactive rather than proactive way

So more about listening and just seeing what he needs, if anything

With my DH going through really bad patch/grieving what helped him most was me continuing as normal, keeping things going, and listening when he needed to talk but also very much continuing my own day to day life, and it wasn't as if my feelings did not count, and I still had my own emotions to deal with as well.

Possibly you are trying almost too hard?

I ended up quite often leaving him to it, but then if he called or wanted to talk, I'd drop whatever I was doing to listen

It's not easy, you sort of have to feel your way

Also, just because he is grieving dies not give him the right to be rude or unkind to you

That's another thing to remember

Good luck

Windtunnel · 18/12/2022 21:47

Sounds really tough going op, I'm sure you're doing everything right.
But from your post I'm picking up you're feeling ignored and excluded. I excluded my dh when I went through a parent on eol care and then death. He did all the work round the edges and we are ok now.

Sounds like you're doing amazing job. I'd say try not to over think it and remember to be kind to yourself.

OtterInABox · 18/12/2022 21:51

Sounds like you're doing the best you can.

Do NOT let him treat you or speak to you like shit. There is not an excuse for him to do that - and I speak as someone who lost my mum and dad within 8 weeks of each other. It didn't make me treat my husband horribly

So yes, this is a bad time for him but it is not a free pass for him to treat you badly so please remember that.

You're doing well. You're holding the fort at home and you're available if he needs you. Don't let him abuse that

Lazyladydaisy · 18/12/2022 22:07

I lost my dad earlier this year. He had been poorly for a while.
My husband was (and is) amazing. I knew he was there, but he just quietly picked everything else up and ran with it so I didn't have to think about anything. By the sounds of it this is what you've been doing, and I'm sure that he sees and appreciates you for it...and if he doesn't right now, he will at some point.
Grief is hard, and while that isnt an excuse, sometimes the person closest to you can take the brunt of all the emotions you are trying so desperately to hide.
I'm sure he knows you're there and that you love him. There isn't anything else you can do.
Be kind to yourself xx

Original poster

chronictonic · 18/12/2022 23:07

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 18/12/2022 21:40

It's best, in my opinion, to be supportive in a reactive rather than proactive way

So more about listening and just seeing what he needs, if anything

With my DH going through really bad patch/grieving what helped him most was me continuing as normal, keeping things going, and listening when he needed to talk but also very much continuing my own day to day life, and it wasn't as if my feelings did not count, and I still had my own emotions to deal with as well.

Possibly you are trying almost too hard?

I ended up quite often leaving him to it, but then if he called or wanted to talk, I'd drop whatever I was doing to listen

It's not easy, you sort of have to feel your way

Also, just because he is grieving dies not give him the right to be rude or unkind to you

That's another thing to remember

Good luck

This is so helpful as I think this advice suits hos character if you know what I mean? Ans I think you're right, maybe I am trying too hard sometimes.
Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

chronictonic · 18/12/2022 23:09

Lazyladydaisy · 18/12/2022 22:07

I lost my dad earlier this year. He had been poorly for a while.
My husband was (and is) amazing. I knew he was there, but he just quietly picked everything else up and ran with it so I didn't have to think about anything. By the sounds of it this is what you've been doing, and I'm sure that he sees and appreciates you for it...and if he doesn't right now, he will at some point.
Grief is hard, and while that isnt an excuse, sometimes the person closest to you can take the brunt of all the emotions you are trying so desperately to hide.
I'm sure he knows you're there and that you love him. There isn't anything else you can do.
Be kind to yourself xx

Thank you for this perspective, it's really helpful. And I'm so sorry for your loss

OP posts:

Houseplantmad · 18/12/2022 23:10

What an awful time you’re both going through. I always think the time after someone has died and the funeral has happened is when it really hits home as there’s nothing more to organise or to keep busy with. Be prepared to give him support then (and space) but you’ve had some excellent advice so far. Take care.

Original poster

chronictonic · 18/12/2022 23:13

Windtunnel · 18/12/2022 21:47

Sounds really tough going op, I'm sure you're doing everything right.
But from your post I'm picking up you're feeling ignored and excluded. I excluded my dh when I went through a parent on eol care and then death. He did all the work round the edges and we are ok now.

Sounds like you're doing amazing job. I'd say try not to over think it and remember to be kind to yourself.

Have to say you are very perceptive. I think a part of me does feel excluded in a way. Thanks for your words of wisdom and experience, and sorry for your loss

OP posts:

Fusciainertia · 18/12/2022 23:45

You are not responsible for how he feels.

He's going to be sad on some level no matter what for the next few weeks/months so you have to accept that even if you had the best words to say to him it still wouldn't get rid of all the uncomfortable feelings he's having right now.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/12/2022 00:08

I'm crap at grief. The not being able to fix what's upsetting me just makes me cross, and I get snappy at people. I don't mean to do it but particularly my partner felt like she'd done something wrong while my mum was dying, and she was at home while I was with my mum

Eventually she just came out and told me that she felt like she couldn't do anything right, and how could she best support me. Just asking that question was the right thing for her to do. It made me realise I was being a bit of a dick, and I apologised, but then explained that I couldn't deal with talking about the emotions right now. I needed her to just tell me about all the inane everyday stuff, how work went, what Did had done in school. I'd let her know how mum was doing, but I couldnt talk about how I was feeling, so don't ask. What I really wanted was a hug, but she was miles away, so that was off the table.

Your husband probably needs something different, but the only way to find out is to ask.

"Hey hun, I don't think I'm getting it right at the moment, how do you want me to support you right now?"

Original poster

chronictonic · 19/12/2022 20:01

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/12/2022 00:08

I'm crap at grief. The not being able to fix what's upsetting me just makes me cross, and I get snappy at people. I don't mean to do it but particularly my partner felt like she'd done something wrong while my mum was dying, and she was at home while I was with my mum

Eventually she just came out and told me that she felt like she couldn't do anything right, and how could she best support me. Just asking that question was the right thing for her to do. It made me realise I was being a bit of a dick, and I apologised, but then explained that I couldn't deal with talking about the emotions right now. I needed her to just tell me about all the inane everyday stuff, how work went, what Did had done in school. I'd let her know how mum was doing, but I couldnt talk about how I was feeling, so don't ask. What I really wanted was a hug, but she was miles away, so that was off the table.

Your husband probably needs something different, but the only way to find out is to ask.

"Hey hun, I don't think I'm getting it right at the moment, how do you want me to support you right now?"

This is really helpful as what you say in your first paragraph sounds exactly like my DH.

Thanks for your perspective. And sorry for your loss x

OP posts:

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/12/2022 20:49

chronictonic · 19/12/2022 20:01

This is really helpful as what you say in your first paragraph sounds exactly like my DH.

Thanks for your perspective. And sorry for your loss x

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Thank you. And despite what I say above, it's not ok if he's treating you like crap. Don't feel you have to put up with it. You can call him out on it, just try to make it part of a productive conversation. He dealing with emotions he's probably never had to before, and he probably not well prepared for them. But it's ok to let him know that you're not there to be his punching bag.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/12/2022 20:52

And sorry for your loss too. It may not be your loss directly, but you'll still feel it. Grief is a series of circles. You husband will learn on you, you need to lean on people further out, your family, your friends

Blinki · 19/12/2022 21:04

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Xdecd · 19/12/2022 21:05

Remember you can't solve this. You can't make him happy or even ok. He's going to feel angry, miserable, guilty. He will crash from one horrible emotion to another and melt down. This doesn't mean you've failed. It can't be fixed. To me it sounds like your aiming for something unrealistic - for him to feel calm, supported and steady just won't happen right now, it's not fair on any of you to aspire to that. It's not how grief works.

It's a matter of coping the best you can through it. It sounds like you're doing really well. This is probably as good as it gets for now. If it's too much or he's being unkind, give him a bit of space. The main thing he needs is time I'm afraid.

Sceptre86 · 19/12/2022 23:21

You're overthinking things. It comes across as something you do. You know him better than any of us. I'd explain you love him and are there for him. I'd then take over the day to day stuff (you're already doing this). I'd check in once a day, either a text or a quick phonecall. You can't make it all better, time will help but the pain is often always there so don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Honeyroar · 19/12/2022 23:31

I lost my dad about 9 weeks ago, and my mum was seriously ill in hospital a couple of weeks ago too. I’m hanging on by my fingertips. My husband had been a superstar, my rock. But I know sometimes I’ve been awful. It’s no excuse, but sometimes I’m struggling so much mentally.

Just send him a message saying you’re thinking of him ans you love him.