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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why can't he do anything by himself and why always blame others?

24 replies

Notmyselfyet · 18/12/2022 20:26

Not really sure what I'm asking here. Probably a 'is it me'? I've been with OH for around 15 years and married a few years after we met. Scene setting: He has adult kids, only one of which he still sees. The others caused a LOT of trouble when they were basically adults. Their mother ran off with someone else when they were young. OH brought the kids up himself and they were all in teens when he met me. He and I have one child of primary school age.
OH has always clawed at his skin, he's been on various medications over the years and previously been told it may have caused this. Fast forward to this year and suddenly he's convinced we have bugs (he had a very dirty job at his work which he told me about) and this was apparently my fault. I apparently don't clean enough, our house is old fashioned (sorry money does not grow on trees). He's just stomped off in a huff as I've told him to phone the doctor as he has pink patches on his skin that won't disappear and he claws his skin till it bleeds.
before anyone says see a doctor. I'm not asking for medical advice. If he has a problem it's never his fault it's always someone else's. He'll comment in a negative way on peoples appearances etc and makes comment about his adult child's life he still talks to. Saying they'd be better off without their partner etc, that they don't love their partner. He's in the huff tonight because I said I wouldn't/couldn't call the GP for him. If he needs something taken back, picked up etc he expects me to do it. I work full time, mostly from home, I do all the school runs (he refuses as he works too far away). He's moaned about the state of the house today but left dishes in the sink after I had done them. I could quote more but I am fed up. My family hate him as he's overbearing and everything is always someone else's fault. He tried to get involved in a personal matter with my grandparents, which I said was their business not mine or his but he pushed it and pushed it and pushed it causing rows and upset.
Even when I was majorly ill he didn't take time off work to help (yet gave a different story to anyone he knew). He's in debt, I don't know how much. Thankfully the flat although small is mine not his. He does give me some money but that barely covers childcare costs and when I try and say things are going up so much he accuses me of fleecing him.
i have no sympathy for him if he loses anything, or the scratching etc because he's so horrible to everyone. He kept pushing with one of my friends Mum asking if she knew this person or that person because he knew where she was from quite well. My friend's Mum said no and kept saying no when he pushed the point till she got quite upset with him which later he called her stuck up (privately to me) because she asked him to stop!
sorry this has turned into an absolute rant because he's gone off in a huff. I'm dreading Christmas as he'll make it about him (again!).

OP posts:
NamelessTemptress01 · 18/12/2022 20:48

Well he doesn’t sound very nice, I don’t know why you are with him. The skin picking sounds like dermatillomania, which I have, there’s not really any cure for it.

Moomoola · 18/12/2022 20:50

Oh dear, he doesn’t sound very nice at all.

ChubbyMorticia · 18/12/2022 20:52

Why do you tolerate this?

Notmyselfyet · 18/12/2022 21:17

I'm not sure why I do, probably because I'm scared he'll try to take my little one. Hurt them or me emotionally, I don't think he would go quietly, as I said it's my flat. If it wasn't I'd pack up and leave with LO

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2022 21:17

Because he's an arsehole. Which everyone seems to know but you. Or you do know and are still staying with an arsehole?

His adult children hate him, except for one who will soon. Your family hates him. I hate him too.

Chuck him out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2022 21:18

OK x-posted. Do you think your LO is better off with two homes, one happy, or one home, unhappy?

Notmyselfyet · 18/12/2022 21:18

NamelessTemptress01 · 18/12/2022 20:48

Well he doesn’t sound very nice, I don’t know why you are with him. The skin picking sounds like dermatillomania, which I have, there’s not really any cure for it.

I've not heard of that. He was told years ago it was 'learned' behaviour by a previous GP and was due to long term use of certain medication but he came away saying the GP was a complete quack and knew nothing

OP posts:
Notmyselfyet · 18/12/2022 21:19

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2022 21:17

Because he's an arsehole. Which everyone seems to know but you. Or you do know and are still staying with an arsehole?

His adult children hate him, except for one who will soon. Your family hates him. I hate him too.

Chuck him out.

If I thought he'd go quietly I would I'm fed up. He never does anything for LO

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2022 21:35

He never does anything for LO

Then he won't try for 100% residency will he? Please just get this moaning leech off you.

Mumsanetta · 18/12/2022 21:42

He sounds vile. But nothing changes if nothing changes and you will still be miserable and with him in 10 years if you don’t leave.

“I'm not sure why I do, probably because I'm scared he'll try to take my little one. Hurt them or me emotionally, I don't think he would go quietly, as I said it's my flat. If it wasn't I'd pack up and leave with LO”

He refuses to do the school run so what makes you think he would, in practice, take your child?

It’s your flat and, as you say “OH” rather than “DH”, I assume you’re not married. If you want him to leave tell him to. You can call the police if he refuses.

Bard6817 · 18/12/2022 21:47

Get representation and start the divorce.

You’ll need help to make sure you keep the house in full, irrespective of whose name is on the deeds.

FictionalCharacter · 18/12/2022 21:57

Bard6817 · 18/12/2022 21:47

Get representation and start the divorce.

You’ll need help to make sure you keep the house in full, irrespective of whose name is on the deeds.

This sounds like the only sensible course of action. He’s absolutely horrible and your family are right about him.

bluejelly · 18/12/2022 22:06

Imagine how much better 2023 would be without him dragging you down. You only have one life. See a solicitor and make yours better!

Notmyselfyet · 18/12/2022 22:08

Mumsanetta · 18/12/2022 21:42

He sounds vile. But nothing changes if nothing changes and you will still be miserable and with him in 10 years if you don’t leave.

“I'm not sure why I do, probably because I'm scared he'll try to take my little one. Hurt them or me emotionally, I don't think he would go quietly, as I said it's my flat. If it wasn't I'd pack up and leave with LO”

He refuses to do the school run so what makes you think he would, in practice, take your child?

It’s your flat and, as you say “OH” rather than “DH”, I assume you’re not married. If you want him to leave tell him to. You can call the police if he refuses.

We are married sorry if I hadn't said that

OP posts:
Notmyselfyet · 18/12/2022 22:09

Bard6817 · 18/12/2022 21:47

Get representation and start the divorce.

You’ll need help to make sure you keep the house in full, irrespective of whose name is on the deeds.

I don't want him to take my house I paid for the whole thing

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 18/12/2022 22:13

He can't even be bothered to take care of your child now - what on earth makes you think he would want custody?!

Bard6817 · 18/12/2022 22:19

Notmyselfyet · 18/12/2022 22:09

I don't want him to take my house I paid for the whole thing

Yup - but it happens. So you’ll need to get your ducks in a row and prepare legally for him to try.

Sorry.

Inkyblue123 · 18/12/2022 22:23

see a solicitor- get rid of this cock lodger

Mumsanetta · 18/12/2022 22:31

Notmyselfyet · 18/12/2022 22:09

I don't want him to take my house I paid for the whole thing

I guess make your peace with your life as it is then.

Notmyselfyet · 18/12/2022 22:34

Fairislefandango · 18/12/2022 22:13

He can't even be bothered to take care of your child now - what on earth makes you think he would want custody?!

He fought his ex for custody of his now adult children but bullied her to stay away

OP posts:
Notmyselfyet · 18/12/2022 22:35

I should point out I only found that out quite recently!!

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 19/12/2022 21:58

You’re not his ex. Get proper legal advice and find out where you stand.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/12/2022 22:32

So he will parent children just to punish women? But not the ones currently needing him.

You really need to get as far away from this bastard as possible. Get good legal advice. And if it costs you half a house, it's a small price.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/12/2022 22:47

So you are married and have been for a while? He may well have some sort of claim on the house - you urgently need legal advice on this op.

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