Friend only talks about herself

[TYpi]

I think I'm a good friend, always listen to them, am on their side, and I feel for them during hardships. I've always thought it was mutual, but not this time.

She writes long texts, mostly about her own kids. I reply, then talk about mine. We exchange texts every other day or so. No pressure but it's kind of worked out like that.

She's been through a hard time recently and I've been really listening and caring, trying to comfort her. She also likes to tell me about her kids and says how clever, musical and sporty they are. I don't mind it at all, in fact I feel happy for them.

But recently, she hasn't been acknowledging my side of the story (nothing boastful) and been talking about her stuff only and I feel undervalued.

She's also stopped texting me and hasn't been in touch for over 2 weeks. I know she's ok as she's on social media all the time. Aibu to feel upset about this? I always thought we were good friends and were able to talk about stuff and support each other.

Has anyone had similar experiences?

I have a friend who is very similar. Also only invites you round to her house when her husband is away . I’ve started to distance myself from her being honest as I don’t think that’s proper friendship. When I go round which hasn’t been been for ages she goes on about her job and her holiday plans . Never once asks how I am . I did get a text from her in the week as apparently she has a Christmas card for me .

Thank you. My friend seems to be similar to yours. So selfish! My friend says her house is too small to have dinner parties so she invited herself and family to ours.

YANBU. I had a close friend like this - notice use of past tense. It's self-obsessed, unkind and inconsiderate. She is only seeing the world throught the lens of her own needs. I would let the friendship wither and make friends with other women who share the airtime and are interested in you, your children, your life, how you feel and what you think.

YANBU. I had a friend like this, she invited herself to mine and spoke about herself nonstop for 4 hours straight and would repeat it all if she ran out of things to talk about.
I still say hello and am civil, but that's all it is.

I have a new "friend" like this never asks about us.
After the hiya etc i always say "how was your weekend" she then tells me all about it and never says after oh and how was yours.

I got back from holiday and we met up, she didn't even ask how our holiday was 🤣🤣

I had a friend like this. I had a particular day I would go and see her. If I happened to be on holiday that day the following week she would not even ask about my trip yet I always listened and took interest in what she said. We are not in touch anymore.

It is wearing and tiresome when people only talk about themselves. But... if she has changed only recently, may it be because she is going through something in her life?

I met someone who lived close to me, same interests, kids same age. Thought I had hit the jackpot. unfortunately she only talks about herself.
She literally doesn’t have a clue what’s going on in my life, I know everything going on in hers. I changed jobs and she won’t even know as she never takes an interest. DH was very poorly a while ago and she never ever asked about it, even when he was in hospital. She did however tell me about her husbands ‘illness’ is great detail and updating me constantly (there was nothing wrong with him).
Her husband is the same.

Why don't you say something? "Do you know you never once ask me anything about how I'm getting on"?

Thanks all. I've said "this time" but come to think of it she can be like this a lot of the time.

When we first became friends she would talk about herself and her family a lot, never asked about me etc. I was never an open person so I just listened.

Then I made an effort to change and tried to talk about myself as well so it became more of a balanced friendship.

She learned to listen to me too, but does have a tendency to slip back to her old self. So unfortunate because I felt I found someone I could open myself to.

Anyway, probably time to move on then... I do have another close friend that I can talk to. Just sad because I feel like I've lost a good friend.

Funny how many of you talk about your friends in past tense. Hope you've all moved on and are happy now.

I'm really sorry to hear this. Is your husband ok? How can a friendship be one way, it would never work. Unless you're a therapist of course, do you know sometimes I feel like I'm a therapist and I really ought to be paid!

Your post reminded me of another friend who has zero interest in me yet tells me she loves spending time with me and I'm like her own sister. She's been divorced, no kids, works in finance. I'm married with two kids, work part time. I know every little thing about her life yet she knows nothing about me. Last time I sent her a message I sent her a pic of my kids. That's after I replied to her very long text. I never ever talk about my kids but that time I did, just to test out how she would respond. She didn't, and we've lost in touch. Says it all really! I'm glad I sent her that pic.

She does, but only when she's in a really good mood.

I fear I was this person in my twenties. Incredibly self-centred. But I’ve learned my lesson, and thank god some friends stuck around.
My advice, if you actually like this woman, is to just gently interject/steer the conversation and say something about your life. I was terrible at picking up social cues and needed to be interrupted, frankly.

I HAD a friend like this. She was fine by email etc but every time we met in person she would talk non stop at me for an hour or more and I could never get anything in about what I thought, or about my life. Or she would arrange for us to meet up for a coffee but then invite other people, like she didn't want to have to meet me alone 🤷. I phased her out, occasionally I bump into her and she talks non stop again.....

Oh god people like this are the worst. I recently had a play date with a nursery mum who was exactly like this, just talked and talked about herself for hours at a time. The only way I could get a word in was to then say “oh yeah, I know, we did that back in 2019… i really liked it and thought XYZ” and then she’d pause and nod and then go back to her monologue. The thing is as well she was talking about stuff as though she was an expert on the matter but on things that I really am, ie my field of work.

I had another friend who was like this and I decided to never ask her a question again. So because she never asked me anything the whole thing fell dead.

People often wonder why they have no friends and I wonder if it’s because they’re like this

I blocked a 'friend'....very similar to yours....she would ask very quickly how I am and then launch into a lengthy monologue of all her problems and life chaos...all self created, i told her i was going abroad to work and then blocked her etc to get away from her moaning....very draining to listen to the same stuff each week we met up.

Funny but I was talking to DD about this today. I seem to listen to everyone's crap but it's never reciprocated. I said to my friend that my DMIL was in hospital and she replied that she was going to fetch her meat pies for Christmas Eve! It just makes me back off from people now. I can't be bothered. Fortunately I do have one very lovely friend and I value our friendship.

I know, it can happen to anyone, especially when we're young. It's nice that you've realised this and have made changes.

I would like to offer an alternative perspective as I often worry I come across like this:

sometimes people are just offering information and sharing and they expect you to do the same. You might not necessarily ne asking your friend how she is - she is just sharing as that’s how it works in her head/she thinks you will share back! I make a conscious effort to ask questions but I have to say for a long time I really naturally did not believe in the “social small talk/forced chitchat” element of friendship and much more believe in everyone just expressing themselves.

it can be tricky if someone else isn’t talking or filling silences or taking the initiative!

It's actually really comforting to read all your stories. So glad I'm not alone!

Good point. It's easier when we meet up, because we can at least take in turns to talk (most of the time, with this particular friend anyway. Not the one in finance - no chance to budge in!)

When we're texting it's a different story. A bit more difficult to have proper conversations as well I admit. Maybe I should just stop writing long texts and talk when we meet up.

@TYpi hes fine now, but it went on for a long time. Long enough it’s kinda embarrassing she never even asked about him.
I know she has issues, her mother was a massive narc. She’s one of those people who shares everything on Facebook, I think looking for sympathy attention all the time.
She’s also one of those adults who starts most conversations with telling you how skint she is for sympathy, following up with a big list of things she’s spent money on.
She has a teenager daughter who tells outlandish lies non stop. There’s obviously lots going on.

DH can’t cope with her husband as if you run into him in the street, he doesn’t even say hello, just starts telling you how amazing and brilliant he is in some way. Some strange folk about.

Unfortunately I have found this trait in people to be so common. Maybe I've been unlucky and just met a disproportionate amount of people like this, but it gets me down.

I always take an interest in my friends lives, and am very inquisitive and caring. If you find someone who can reciprocate this then you're very lucky and should cherish is. So many people are just extremely self involved and don't know how to have real friendships and conversations!