Bored of Christmas martyrs

[Lotzana]

In real life and on mumsnet I've seen several examples in recent weeks of Christmas martyrs. People taking on far too much over the Christmas period (usually not for the first time) - hosting, cooking, sorting all the food and drink etc - who are clearly resentful and unhappy with the situation and feel unsupported by relatives.

In my own family I've seen it play out in recent years - one relative feels obliged to host because of the circumstances of a few other elderly relatives yet finds it stressful, doesn't really enjoy the day and discusses the stress for weeks before. We would love to host them instead and give them a break but when we've suggested they said 'they couldn't possibly' - I think they actually enjoy the stress and dont kniw how to relax and let someone else do it. (We will stay home this year to do our own thing).

AIBU to think these Christmas martyrs bring a lot on themselves by their lack of boundaries, sense of obligation and inability to say no?

And like my relative, I think some people like to take on the stress as the idea of pleasing themselves and just relaxing is just so alien to them.

Yep. For some people it’s genuinely stressful or upsetting (I’m thinking of my MIL dealing with a parent with dementia who is going to find Christmas very discombobulating and my recently widowed friend) but if you find sending cards or cooking a dozen different dishes stressful then just don’t.

My Grandmother would be up at crack of dawn making overly elaborate food, simultaneously shooing everyone away and complaining she got no help, making an exaggerated play of tearing herself away from cooking for a minute to watch kids open presents - whole thing was ridiculous. Absolutely nobody cared if we had a choice of six vegetables or the peaches were hand stuffed with Cranberry sauce or if she used the good dishes that needed hand washing instead of the normal ones going in the dishwasher. Nobody appreciated the fancy folded napkin structures, the little table favours, the fact she hand made the crackers… We’d rather she was less stressy and joined in the fun bits. But she was a martyr about everything else in life too so I suppose it fit with her personality. It meant that when I took over Christmas I pared right down on the unimportant stuff and enjoyed the day, I wasn’t spoiling it for the kids being a grump.

What happened to the 'BIL has invited his friend over and I'm already cooking for 14' thread?

everytime i see these threads i just think why do they not just say no!!! frustrating

They enjoy the martyrdom.

Sometimes it’s not as easy as saying no, bugger off. The elderly, sick relatives who perhaps have always taken on a big Christmas prior to becoming sick etc.
If you have the largest home, it’s difficult to say no. It causes resentment and disappointment and it’s not worth it. So you just get on with it.

Is this inspired by @eurydice84 and her f*ck Christmas thread? It was obvious from her OP that she was taking the mick, something she even clarified on the first page!

I find Christmas very stressful. It's learned behaviour from my mother who doesn't hide the fact that she hates Christmas. I put on a show for everyone, get in the spirit, put on a relaxed front and don't do anything elaborate. But if I wanted to blow off steam I would post on Mumsnet and hope those who don't want to read my thread would find something else to bitch and moan about.

I second what @Suzi888 says - on MN everyone insists they only follow a path of satisfaction and rigorous 'boundaries.' In RL it's necessary to think of elderly relatives and young children and lots of other family dynamics. I don't know many people who entirely shrug off all obligations. Or not as many as profess go on here anyway 🤷‍♀️

I think often they take it all on because they have controlling natures - which is why they won’t let anyone else do it.
That controlling nature then shows itself as stress when everything isn’t 100% perfect.

We always end up hosting Christmas but it’s really for others. When my DF was ill we started hosting it so my parents didn’t have to. It was also to give my late MiL a rest. That was nearly 20 years ago. My DB took no responsibility for our parents and never invites my mother to his house and now my DF has died, if I didn’t do Christmas my mum would be alone. DH’s siblings don’t have the facilities to host so it’s down to us (they aren’t around every Christmas anyway).

It’s knackering and I’d like a total break from it but I am worried about my mum. I am not perfectionistic about it though and I don’t moan about doing it (not publicly anyway!).

I’m not saying this is necessarily true of posters on MN, but in real life the people I know who mutter about martyrdom or use phrases like “it’s only a roast dinner” tend to be the ones who never host.

The labour of Christmas is uneven, and the burden usually falls to women because they take on the emotional burden of caring about dc and the elderly. I don’t think it’s helpful to automatically blame women for this.

No, i dont think that’s fair. A lot of people feel the stress of producing a magical day falls to them.

I say people, but I actually mean women. As do you when you say ‘martyrs’.

I think we are at the time of year where MN should have a pop up channelling Zammo saying 'No, just say no' aimed at middle aged women who need to learn to say the word again without making a shot tonne of excuses why they can't.

Almost every other thread is someone who needs this stressing and that it's OK to say no...

This sounds like my mother… 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

this^ and the stress when it goes wrong ends in blowing up at the people around them!

last year my mums oven broke mid cooking the christmas dinner and we all just said screw it let’s order pizza instead and her response was to shout and cry and microwave/fry/boil everything instead one dish at a time. ruined her own day.