To feel sad for my kids re limited contact with their dad

[cadburyegg]

H and I have been separated 2 years. 2 kids age 4 and 7. They can be hard work but they are also gorgeous and fun. But getting ex to have them is like pulling teeth. His work schedule isn’t family friendly and he works antisocial hours but he could make more effort imo. He’ll have them for a weekend every few weeks with some persuasion but I barely hear from him the rest of the time. Unless it’s something “fun” and minimal effort for him like DC2’s nativity 2 weeks ago in which case he’ll be all over it.

He last had them overnight 2 weekends ago. The week after he had off work (not his choice- allocated holiday) and he only saw them at DC2’s nativity. he has some days off next week and I asked if he was going to have the DC or see them at all, “no I’ve got too much to do”. Sounds like next time he will see them is Christmas Day for a few hours.

I know some dads are worse(!) but I just feel so sad for my DC. I am sick of having to keep chasing him to ask when he is going to see them next because I don’t feel like it should be up to me. but then if I don’t he would see them even less and then if they don’t have much of a relationship with him as they grow up, will that be my fault? My mum is local and we see her a lot but I am only child and so is ex so they don’t have any uncles, aunts or cousins either.

Idk what to do but having to basically nag him to do the bare minimum is soul destroying. AIBU?

It is soul destroying, my ex was the same and he never changed /improved . It is sad but unfortunately you can't make him .

I would leave it to him and stop “nagging” (your word not mine 🙂). You will probably have a couple more years with you exhausting yourself and making all the effort and then he will probably pull away even further and it was all a waste of time. Might as well stop trying to force it now.

I don’t have personal experience, but this was my sister’s experience. She made all the effort and him very little until it dwindled to none. My niece is an adult now and she says she would have liked to have had a father in her life, but she doesn’t actually miss what she hasn’t had and has no interest in her specific father.

Yes I feel sad my kids dad doesn’t bother with them been 2 years since he last saw them wish people would stop telling me I’m lucky 🙄

It certainly won't be your fault if they lose touch with him. That's very much his responsibility, not yours. I'd be inclined to stop wasting effort on him, as sad as it may be.