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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Christmas Charity Donation Gift Stand-off

13 replies

DownToTheSeaAgain · 18/12/2022 11:27

A close relative wrote to my DC and suggested they (the relative) give a charity donation on behalf of the DC instead of a present. DC were to specify chosen charity. They way it was written implied DC were selfish if they didn't choose this. So they did. All good. They are teenagers and really don't need anything. They actually enjoyed thinking of what charity to choose although they did think it all a bit odd.

I contacted relative and asked if they would like a gift for DC or what charity their DC would like. They are also teenagers but younger. Relative was apoplectic and said they'd only offered the charity donation because I hadn't said what my DC wanted. I said that was fine, DC were a bit taken aback but it was a good idea. Relative continued to rant at me about it all being my fault. I repeated that charity good idea hence offering it back to their DC as an option.

Relative has form for turning molehill into mountain but was I BU to suggest the charity thing for her DC as well? I genuinely think it is a good idea. I cannot bear the swapping of crappy tat and would much rather not spend or spend it on a good cause.

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 18/12/2022 11:32

But relative had also not told you what their DC wanted? Sounds mad as a box of frogs YANBU. I do find the charity donation instead of a present thing from people who could absolutely afford to donate quietly themselves a little "virtuous than though".

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 18/12/2022 11:32

You are not being unreasonable as your relative was the one to initiate this.

However, generally I think making a donation to charity in lieu of a gift is a bit performative. Give a gift or don't give a gift; your charitable donations shouldn't come into it.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 18/12/2022 11:36

I must admit that I initially found the charity donation idea a bit odd. Why not give cash then DC can donate if they decide.

However given my DC quite enjoyed the process it didn't feel like a terrible option. And no relative didn't tell me what their DC wanted either.

OP posts:
Daisy38 · 18/12/2022 11:38

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Anyone who suggests they gift a charity donation on behalf someone else should also be happy to receive them too. It’s not right to give to charity in lieu of a personal gift and expect others to be happy with that but then expect a tangible gift for yourself.

meltingmyhead · 18/12/2022 11:53

I'd want proof they actually make the donation!

DingDongDenny · 18/12/2022 12:08

I always think that's the wrong way around. We have asked my MIL to donate to charity instead of buying us Christmas presents. It means we avoid a load of complete tat. But I would never say to her that I donated instead of buying her a present - that's taking her choice away

In your case it's very odd, she's upset at you asking if she wants you to do the same thing for her kids that she did for yours - very strange. She sounds difficult

Daisy38 · 18/12/2022 12:12

DingDongDenny · 18/12/2022 12:08

I always think that's the wrong way around. We have asked my MIL to donate to charity instead of buying us Christmas presents. It means we avoid a load of complete tat. But I would never say to her that I donated instead of buying her a present - that's taking her choice away

In your case it's very odd, she's upset at you asking if she wants you to do the same thing for her kids that she did for yours - very strange. She sounds difficult

I’ve always thought that too. If you want to do charity donations instead of gifts then it’s you who gives the value of your gifts to charity rather than donating to charity on behalf of someone else and then happily enjoying receiving gifts from others while they spend Christmas looking at a picture of the donkey or goat donated on their behalf!

DownToTheSeaAgain · 18/12/2022 12:18

She sounds difficult

Understatement of the year. However I have a PHD in inadvertently rubbing them up the wrong way but in this scenario they were the loony not me. It is good to have that confirmed as genuinely wasn't sure if I'd made some sort of faux pas.

I was going to buy them a lovely massage to de stress but maybe a donkey is the way forward....

OP posts:
DingDongDenny · 18/12/2022 12:30

Even better, buy them a latrine. That'll get the message across

Disabrie22 · 18/12/2022 13:07

Oh that’s funny - so she wants to do that for your kids but actually wants you to buy a gift for her own? Sounds very narcissistic to me

SeasonFinale · 18/12/2022 13:17

MIL used to get our kids charity donations bit would want expensive presents in return.

One year she bought DS my son a goat for an African village from Oxfam or similar. The next she bought a football for an African child.

DS wrote a thank you letter saying "Thanks for the football. I will be able to play with it when I visit the goat". I was tempted to let him send it.

SerenaTee · 18/12/2022 13:25

SeasonFinale · 18/12/2022 13:17

MIL used to get our kids charity donations bit would want expensive presents in return.

One year she bought DS my son a goat for an African village from Oxfam or similar. The next she bought a football for an African child.

DS wrote a thank you letter saying "Thanks for the football. I will be able to play with it when I visit the goat". I was tempted to let him send it.

You should have let him 😂

EKGEMS · 18/12/2022 13:34

The donkey purchase is a great idea since the person sounds like a jackass. Tbh I've got a few in the family like them a human land mine waiting to be stepped on-I just keep my distance

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