How do you not get fired as a parent

[Blueysdadisamazing]

Worked full time all my life, had Dd later on, was able to stay at home with her during her younger years.
She started Pre school in September and has been sick practically every week (as have many others)
There have also been some teacher strikes.
I started a new job in September and have had to take so much time off, it really doesn’t look good. We don’t have family nearby and I wouldn’t want my parents to catch things anyway as they’re in their 70’s
How do you all fit working around being a parent, I feel like my workplace will let me go if this carries on.

It is hard. I start a new job in the new year and will have to book two days off for teacher strikes. In all fairness ex has taken first week of January off and will have them when I’m at work from the 2nd. It seems a bit off to ask him to do strike days as well. My kids are a bit older so am going to see if I can find a teenager to supervise and work a short day.

I have no idea how we haven't both been sacked tbh. We've had the equivalent of around 2 weeks off this year between us with toddler DD who has caught every bug going at nursery. No family support, just the two of us. It's caused me so much anxiety that I actually start to panic if DD so much as coughs, as I think oh please god not again. I guess we have just both had to appeal to the better nature of our employers. I can wfh flexibly which helps a little, although there are some things I have to be on site for. So I can negotiate a little with my boss if needs be. DP cannot wfh at all so it's harder for him; hence I've done most of the days off with our sick child. I don't know what the answer is. It's unbelievably stressful.

This is a real issue, and I have been wondering this all week. I am lucky to be in a flexible job where I can catch up in the evenings and I have been there long enough that they trust me and give me the flexibility, otherwise it would be impossible.

I feel for you oP and believe that's a major issue of the current times. Women having to work full time, but most people having no family support. It's impossible. We've had three weeks of constant illnesses and snow day and school opening late, nursery closing early, and at times I've felt it would be easier to just quit.

It’s not always that easy for an employer though. My workplace has minimum staffing levels required between certain hours. It’s no good me saying “I can do my hours between midnight and 8 am” as we're not required between those times. My industry can be quite flexible to an extent, but they can’t create jobs in hours to suit staff when there is no need for staff to be there between those times.

It’s really hard and I don’t know how single parents or those without flexible work manage.

with both dc I went part time after maternity leave, until their 30 hr funding kicked in at 3. This helped as we had to manage to cover less days. DH and I would share being off to look after poorly dc. Fortunately we could both usually adapt our work to do what we could at home.

also we were very fortunate that both our employers were very understanding and knew we were managing as best we could.

We did 50/50 in terms of taking time off and we were lucky in that ours had pretty robust good health. They caught things at nursery, but not often and nothing major.

You do need a good employer though. I've been lucky all my life - even when DD2 went down with appendicitis and I had to take her to hospital at stupid o'clock in the morning my employer was great and let me have carer leave even though she was 18 because it was considered serious illness.

I think it’s a valid point to say that both parents should be taking time off if there are 2 parents involved with the child.
I also used grandparent care. Unless they are in very poor health and have to restrict their movements they will be coming into contact with these bugs all the time anyway. And many things like ear infections, chest infections are not highly contagious. I didn’t do that for V&D or if very unwell.

I'm the Dad and we split it if we have to take time off for our child (which is very rare, my mother in law is an angel). I normally do all the appointments and pick ups and my wife will occasionally leave early if needed. Though TBH I offer more often than not as it just makes sense (I work about 5 miles closer to where she is looked after, her GP etc).

Please stop with the demonisation of men - it isn't okay and we don't do it to you (as much). I find it is less about men not wanting to and more that employers look at men like they have 12 heads if they want time off for child-care. I had one boss who once said to a male colleague "erm, you have a wife don't you? Why can't she pick up your kid?" in response to asking to leave work early. I've often seen the eyebrow raised with other colleagues who feel extremely pressured not to ask for time off for childcare because it is frowned upon (and like women, a man asking for care leave is likely to have their career progression paused if employers are put out).

This needs a cultural shift and at the same time I personally found it rather irritating when I would have to pick up the slack for colleagues who would take time off for domestic problems. I don't now I have a kid!

Both full time, no family support - in fact, we had major care responsibilities which meant we had to look after elderly relatives who had numerous hospital appointments, stays in hospitals and dementia- related emergencies.

It was hard - a fortune was spent on childcare, DP ring-fenced annual leave for emergencies and we shared the time off for illnesses. Now we are coping with disability in the family so only one of us works, due to the amount of hospital appointments and emergencies that you have with a child who can’t tolerate mainstream education or be left on their own.

Well said. Mine said everything and promised everything and then behaved like a total and utter arse. I was divorced with a child under one and have done it all.

it’s great for all those smug married couple who step up and maybe with a normal well mum around the corner to help

me I was buggered

I would suggest teaming up with another single parent or other mums in a class eg for inset days or holidays, pay for a holiday club etc responsible older teen back from uni in the holidays etc or reaching out to a local church etc

I agree with this. My husbands (female) HR bod asked why his wife couldn’t pick up our daughter one of the occasions she was sick when she was first at nursery. As it happens I was in Moscow on a work trip at the time which made for an easy response but it’s ridiculous to expect people won’t take turns. Same HR person was all sympathy when one of the two mums in his department took time for a sick child.

@Fishwifer "Anyone, male or female, who deviates from that expected set-up is usually punished for it daily. No matter how hard they work."

Whilst I agree in principle, the fact is employers are there to make money and/or get the job done (in public services). They aren't there as charities and I think we need to remember they are paying us to do a job. Having been a manager I often felt I was working for the employees! Carers leave here, leaving early there, school inset days dotted all over the place. That is without the "I can't work school holidays".

As you can imagine my life was a misery for those years I managed, because (despite my tone in this thread) I went out of my way to help support the employees. I would often stay til 10PM when I was supposed to finish at 5PM just to cover people needing to go (often without getting paid extra hours).

The fact was, I had a roster of staff, 28 out of 30 being women. Factoring in period pain, menopause etc and I wanted to lock myself in a cabinet and cry! The fact is I just wanted the damn job doing! And it doesn't matter if its female or male employees - whenever someone has to dip out I had to get the shifts covered (it was a essential service which couldn't be left a shift uncovered, just not safe and could cost lives).

I wouldn't go into a job if I couldn't fulfil my obligations - it is not really my employers responsibility to sort out my home life. Though I have, thankfully, a wonderfully supportive manager who has children herself and so knows what it is like. If she wasn't as helpful I'd find a job where I can be flexible though that is on me.

Yes I am a guy and yes I do much of the "dealing with the kid" stuff when needed in work time.

This does raise the question about whether it is a RIGHT to have children? Should one make life decisions based on practicalities over the desire to be a parent?

We have one child. Wife wanted another. I said I wouldn't because we can't afford it (before we got married etc, I didn't dump this on her lap!) We agreed to have 1. We factored in what if scenarios so that we could comfortably manage if it all went horribly wrong (e.g. child-care from family falling through). Would I like another? Sure. But I won't because I know that I can't reasonably expect my employer to work for me in allowing all sorts of leniency around working patterns etc. And my job is very technical and specific in terms of when working time is and isn't available.

I find it is less about men not wanting to and more that employers look at men like they have 12 heads if they want time off for child-care. I had one boss who once said to a male colleague "erm, you have a wife don't you? Why can't she pick up your kid?" in response to asking to leave work early.

😡😡🤬🤬

@Burgoo

Please stop with the demonisation of men - it isn't okay and we don't do it to you (as much). I find it is less about men not wanting to and more that employers look at men like they have 12 heads if they want time off for child-care. I had one boss who once said to a male colleague "erm, you have a wife don't you

You are probably right: it is relatively harder for men to take time off work for childcare are other traditionally “female” jobs than it is for women.

But it’s not about “demonisation” of men per se. It’s about calling out patriarchal structures and assumptions which lead to women becoming the default carers.

The fact is that men generally still have more power in society and in the workplace than women and they certainly have more money. Women have been pushing this for decades and things have changed but it’s still an uphill struggle. If men were more prepared to use their relative power and influence to lobby for changes which would benefit their families by empowering their partners it would go a long way.

I'm a single parent and everything was easy (in terms of childcare) until DS started school. Then when he was just settling into reception...COVID happened. And although he really isn't sick that much, there is always SOMETHING. Holidays, two week half terms, inset days, parent events during school hours...you name it. And if he bumps his head the office wants me to collect him within 5 minutes, and there are lots of sad and concerned noises when I say it will take me 45 minutes to get there (and I really mean an hour).

The only reason I don't get fired is because I am still in the same job I had before he started school, and I am very good at it, so they tolerate a 3 day week, and they know I am not taking the piss even when it looks like I am. Career-wise, this is clearly not moving me forward but I am not prepared to put myself under more stress for the time being.

I wouldn't go into a job if I couldn't fulfil my obligations - it is not really my employers responsibility to sort out my home life.

But we employ humans, @Burgoo, not robots! And while women still pick up the slack on covering children's sickness, if employers refuse to be flexible then it's essentially locking women out of meaningful employment.

I know there are workplaces where flexibility is hard, but there are lots more where it could be done.

Society as a whole needs people to keep having children, they are our future workforce, so we all need to do our bit to support parents, even employers and even people who don't have children!

@Thepeopleversuswork

Well said 👏🏻

DP has had similar comments to him at work before - "isn't your Mrs around?" etc when he's suggested he needs to leave to collect sick DC. He's replied "she is but she took the previous 2 times off, so it's my turn" etc. He's had comments for making these challenges, but if he didn't his employer would just expect it all to fall to me. It reflects how sexist society continues to be.

I wouldn't go into a job if I couldn't fulfil my obligations - it is not really my employers responsibility to sort out my home life.

Also, life can change. You might be fully able to meet the obligations when you sign the contract, but life happens and children can get sick etc. support networks you had previously can crumble, etc. it's not that simple.

Yeah it's really hard. I had a job where I had to be present at a location. Unfortunately that just didn't work with the children and time off for illness, picking up from school with illness, unexpected issues etc.
And I found a job that was less interesting but WFH. Meant that I could carry on working even if they're off sick. Catch up in the evenings.
I personally haven't been able to have the career I wanted. Maybe I can go back to it one day.
I had to have something that worked around kids. My H too.

We don't have loads of family on hand so needs must really. Life's a compromise.

DS went to a childminder who was fine with normal childhood coughs and colds. DS was only off if he had a fever or d&v. School were very good too.

My job was senior enough that it cut me some slack. DH took more sick days as his job was more flexible. No family help.

It was really hard and then covid came along which was even more fun juggling various members of the house with covid and childminders/ nurseries closed. Both of us still trying to work FT ( one frontline nhs)

I'm actually grateful my kids had those years of multiple viruses/illnesses pre covid to build up immunity. A quarter of my child's infant school were off with chickenpox last week!

My career basically had to take a nosedive
My childminder was a godsend. Going part time meant I could make up the days as required. I was also self employed which helped with flexibility. It really is shit.

I found I couldn't continue with a career, and had to find a job that paid the bills (cut back on holidays etc) but allowed the flexibility.

As an aside, I initially read the thread title as getting fired by your kids for being a parent 😂though perhaps that reflects being in the teen stage!

Are you a single parent?