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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird work situation

31 replies

CreepedOut23 · 17/12/2022 23:26

AIBU to be creeped out and disappointed in this response from line manager.

Couple of weeks ago male colleague who I have occasional online catch ups emailed saying he was going to be in my office, and did I want to have a face to face catch up. I declined as it was my non working day and said let's have an online catch up instead.

In the meeting he offloaded about feeling unmotivated and that hardly anyone he had wanted to meet in the office were around when he was visiting, I was polite and sympathetic. He later messaged me on our work IM facility to apologise for being negative and I said it was fine.

I then had to swap my non working day, which I told him about in a work email, he messaged saying we could have got a drink, I said it was too cold and changed subject. Over the next few days he sent messages asking how I was and I just gave quixk responses or ignored depending on how busy I was. He then messaged saying I need to call and apologise to you, are you free tomorrow.

I was like why not now etc he kept going online and offline and eventually said he was running late and I could probably guess what it was about. Next day I messaged saying let's talk, when I dialled in he made loads of small talk about the weather I eventually said what's up? He said I'm very aware you are very busy and I will chat to people at the tea point etc but obviously thats not your thing so I would like to apologise etc. And he kept saying how I was obviously busier than him etc.

This felt weird to me as I felt like basically he hadn't been getting attention he wanted so rather than drop it he forced a call so we could chat.

I told my line manager about it and he said that he probs felt bad that I ignored him and proceeded to talk about his mental health and how I need to be kind. I pointed out that pretending to feel something you aren't actually feeling isn't kind.

So I guess two aibu, aibu to be a bit creeped out by work guy and aibu to be disappointed with bosses response?

OP posts:
WeAreAllLionesses · 17/12/2022 23:35

A) I wouldn't have taken any meeting on a non work day
B) I wouldn't message him again
C or answer the phone to him

NooneKnowsWhatItsLike · 17/12/2022 23:36

Honestly - it sounds like you are being too nice.

I think moving forwards you need to be 100% explicitly clear with this colleague - write an email in a professional tone explaining you are very busy and only available to discuss work issues directly related to your role.

If he doesn’t take the hint I’d be forwarding a copy of the original email and screenshots of subsequent messages to the boss demanding action. If he fails to do so I’d take it further - initially contacting ACAS.

Aprilx · 17/12/2022 23:40

It sounds like he is struggling a little bit, feeling work isolation if nobody is ever in. I really don’t know why you told your line manager in the first place or what response you were hoping for.

Jellyjam36 · 17/12/2022 23:41

It sounds like he has social anxiety and overthinks everything then makes it a million times worse (I've been there, albeit not with work).
Tbh it's work. You're busy. You don't have to socialise. You were polite. Your boss is in the wrong. And it is weird.

Miajk · 17/12/2022 23:42

Sounds like he just wants to make friends at work but people aren't in or up for meeting up.

Some people don't mind and others thrive in a culture that's more friendly/tight.

I've worked in different places and depending on his age and the industry I wouldn't say is that weird (his behaviour).

Sounds like he just might lack some social skills.

UsingChangeofName · 17/12/2022 23:45

I agree with @Miajk
Although am also confused why you arranged a meeting online, if it was your NWD

canfor · 17/12/2022 23:46

YANBU to be creeped out. When your senses are telling you something listen. From here on in, keep it polite and businesslike at all times. Avoid him where you can. Think of a few stock phrases to shut down conversations when they drift e.g. 'I'd love to chit chat but I need to get on with my work now'.

Your manager is likely trying to keep everyone on good terms in the office and doesn't appreciate the dynamic here. Feels as though it's one you can manage by setting a few boundaries, your colleague will get the message in the end.

Original poster
CreepedOut23 · 17/12/2022 23:46

Realise I was unclear about the online meeting, I wasn't going to be in on the day he was travelling in so I said shall we just have an online one another day, he isn't based in the same location as me so he was travelling up just for 1 day

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 17/12/2022 23:47

I wouldn't be creeped out about him, he's obviously struggling with not seeing people face to face at work - lots of people are.

It's maybe not your job to sort him out, is there anywhere else you could suggest he could get support? In my workplace, I'd expect everyone (not just the women!) to be supportive of each other, so can see your boss's point.

Fizzadora · 17/12/2022 23:50

I think he's just trying to keep up a dialogue with his work colleagues ( you know like we use to in the real world when people actually went to work) but obviously no one is interested.
Perhaps you could kindly suggest to him that he might be in the wrong job and perhaps he'd be better going somewhere where people actually interact in real life.
Glad to see that your manager has a little more empathy than you.

NooneKnowsWhatItsLike · 17/12/2022 23:53

I think some posters are missing the point that the OP was obviously creeped out.

I’ve been in similar situations at work in the past and EVERY SINGLE TIME my senses were spot on. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to be firmer and more direct with these types of men. One ended up stalking me and it was genuinely terrifying.

Original poster
CreepedOut23 · 17/12/2022 23:58

NooneKnowsWhatItsLike · 17/12/2022 23:53

I think some posters are missing the point that the OP was obviously creeped out.

I’ve been in similar situations at work in the past and EVERY SINGLE TIME my senses were spot on. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to be firmer and more direct with these types of men. One ended up stalking me and it was genuinely terrifying.

Thanks, yes this is it, I've been here before and I also think surely there is someone more on his wave length like perhaps my boss himself who can reach out and it shouldn't fall to someone who is uncomfortable with it

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/12/2022 00:02

I'm not clear if you think he is just annoying as he wants to chat all the time, or you are getting the feeling that he is trying it on with you despite you giving no signals that you are interested.

Maybe your boss assumed the former, which in think most bosses would probably keep an eye on and then take it further if it started having an impact on your work.

Genuinely I'm not sure what you wanted your boss to do, did you have a specific outcome you wanted, or ask him to do anything like have a quiet word or check in with him or anything?

Original poster
CreepedOut23 · 18/12/2022 00:05

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/12/2022 00:02

I'm not clear if you think he is just annoying as he wants to chat all the time, or you are getting the feeling that he is trying it on with you despite you giving no signals that you are interested.

Maybe your boss assumed the former, which in think most bosses would probably keep an eye on and then take it further if it started having an impact on your work.

Genuinely I'm not sure what you wanted your boss to do, did you have a specific outcome you wanted, or ask him to do anything like have a quiet word or check in with him or anything?

I told him I was telling him because it felt weird to me and if it continued I would like him to support me to address it

OP posts:
blacksax · 18/12/2022 00:05

You don't think he fancies you, do you? All the waffle, and wanting to meet up, and being disppointed when you weren't there?

Original poster
CreepedOut23 · 18/12/2022 00:07

blacksax · 18/12/2022 00:05

You don't think he fancies you, do you? All the waffle, and wanting to meet up, and being disppointed when you weren't there?

Potentially? Just feels over the top for someone I don't work close

OP posts:
NooneKnowsWhatItsLike · 18/12/2022 00:09

OP you are under no obligation to engage in idle chit chat with this colleague. Keep communication business related and flag the issue to your boss for action if he continues to make you feel uncomfortable.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 00:11

Aprilx · 17/12/2022 23:40

It sounds like he is struggling a little bit, feeling work isolation if nobody is ever in. I really don’t know why you told your line manager in the first place or what response you were hoping for.

I don;t think it sounds anything like that.

I think it sounds like he thinks work is a hunting ground for hook-ups, & he is manipulating OP into giving him 'special colleague attention'.

OP - when he asked you to accept his "call so I can apologise to you" you should have cut him off dead. It was a blatant attempt to make a personal connection & had fuck-all to do with work.

Feigning incomprehension would have covered it. "I don;t know what you;re talking about, I don;t need any apologies, why do you want this meeting? If it's not work-related I don;t have time for it, Catch you next week about project X, bye."

SarahDippity · 18/12/2022 00:11

How big is the team? You say he is a colleague; do you report to the same line manager? You are not required to be his contact comfort point for work. If he struggles with isolation, this is a management issue, not one for a colleague to be available to on non-working days. And it sounds like he is leaning on you disproportionately.

StClare101 · 18/12/2022 00:25

Stop having random catch ups with him. He thinks you are his friend or he fancies you. Given you don’t see him as either you need to keep it to work only.

Original poster
CreepedOut23 · 18/12/2022 08:02

SarahDippity · 18/12/2022 00:11

How big is the team? You say he is a colleague; do you report to the same line manager? You are not required to be his contact comfort point for work. If he struggles with isolation, this is a management issue, not one for a colleague to be available to on non-working days. And it sounds like he is leaning on you disproportionately.

We work on overlapping policies so not on the same team, he has a completely different manager and director. We also aren't based in the same location.

OP posts:
Original poster
CreepedOut23 · 18/12/2022 08:03

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 00:11

I don;t think it sounds anything like that.

I think it sounds like he thinks work is a hunting ground for hook-ups, & he is manipulating OP into giving him 'special colleague attention'.

OP - when he asked you to accept his "call so I can apologise to you" you should have cut him off dead. It was a blatant attempt to make a personal connection & had fuck-all to do with work.

Feigning incomprehension would have covered it. "I don;t know what you;re talking about, I don;t need any apologies, why do you want this meeting? If it's not work-related I don;t have time for it, Catch you next week about project X, bye."

Show quote history

I wish I had posted this before the phone call, great advice for future!

OP posts:
harrassedmumto3 · 18/12/2022 08:07

He sounds incredibly needy.

And what about your mental well-being? Notice how it's up to the woman to 'be nice'.

Goodread1 · 18/01/2023 04:10

Hi. OP

He either is acctracted to you in some way, either as a friend or hoping for more,could develop and lacks social skills/awareness like being 🤓 Geeky/Needy type ect.

I think you need to trust your intuitive mind on this one Op.

Goodread1 · 18/01/2023 04:11

I mean he is hoping you become a work colleague friend scenario'