Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Family is the most important thing” … well

26 replies

Yeswhyofcourse · 17/12/2022 23:09

Families can be shit too! Families can also be abusive, cruel, unsupportive, narcissistic, I could keep going.

I have the most abusive and cruel brother, I’ve been NC for 3 years with him after I decided I had enough. He has a son who I haven’t met because I don’t want to be anywhere near my brother. I’m so tired of hearing people saying “but he’s your nephew”. Yes I know! I know he is, and in another lifetime I would’ve loved being a big part of his life, but being part of his life is being part of my brothers life.

So many times I’ve read here “but she’s your sister” “but she’s your mother”, that’s not excuse to tolerate horrible behaviour!

Yes of course, family is so important and beautiful when said family is supportive, loving, caring. But when it’s not it feels awful to hear you should tolerate being treated like shit just cause “its your family”.

So with Christmas around the corner, just wanted to say to whoever needs to hear this, (shit) family is not more important than your worth and your mental health and if you need to remove yourself from harmful situations do so despite the “but he is your brother”.

And to those of you saying that, stop enabling abusive behaviour!

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 17/12/2022 23:10

These are only ever spoken by people who have lovely families and the biggest issue they have is an Aunty who’s a bit odd. Ignore!!

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 17/12/2022 23:13

I can sympathize. I've gone NC with my brother. Will never forgive him after the way he treated my dad when he was on his deathbed.

SpinningFloppa · 17/12/2022 23:15

Had this with my sister NC for 2 years but been told I should forgive her because “it’s family” why should I forgive her just because we are related? Even had someone on MN tell me they feel sorry for her because she turned up at my door at midnight so she “must be desperate” 🙄

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/12/2022 23:16

I had a friend whose advice was, "you actually don't have to forgive him" about my brother. It was like a weight lifted.

And since I believe in passing it forward, here is my Christmas gift to you, "you actually don't have to forgive him".

DuplicateUserName · 17/12/2022 23:17

But when it’s not it feels awful to hear you should tolerate being treated like shit just cause “its your family”.

I've literally never read or heard anyone saying that.

As a PP said, people mean it about close/loving families.

gliiterryballs · 17/12/2022 23:19

I totally relate and fully agree. Please don't ignore and minimise peoples lived experiences based on your own experiences of family.

I have c-PTSD as a result of my childhood, teen years and early adulthood treatment by the woman who gave birth to me.

Certain family members and friends still say to me 'aww but it's your mum, it can't be that bad' followed by 'why don't you make up' as if we have had a minor disagreement - I went NC to protect myself ffs.

gliiterryballs · 17/12/2022 23:20

DuplicateUserName · 17/12/2022 23:17

But when it’s not it feels awful to hear you should tolerate being treated like shit just cause “its your family”.

I've literally never read or heard anyone saying that.

As a PP said, people mean it about close/loving families.

People do minimise things though. It's not their experience so they just don't believe it can be so bad.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 17/12/2022 23:26

I love it when people come on threads and add nothing more then “I’ve never heard of that”. Well the OP has! What do you think you’re contributing!

NCcaterpillar · 17/12/2022 23:28

Thank you for this.

My sister has narc traits, she is very controlling. She is also pregnant with first DC - amazing news which everyone, me included, is thrilled about! Really hoped she’d change in this time but yet to see that, in fact if anything she’s become more manipulative. Worried for DN, worried I won’t have a relationship with them but can’t see a way of having one when DSis is as she is. OP you are not alone - I could’ve written this! Have other relatives accepted this?

ToBeOrNotToBee · 17/12/2022 23:31

I come from a large family of Nacs, Bullies and generally nasty people. I NC'd 2 of them this year.

Best decision I made. My life is peaceful, and my mental health has never been better.

Thedaysthatremain · 17/12/2022 23:31

DuplicateUserName · 17/12/2022 23:17

But when it’s not it feels awful to hear you should tolerate being treated like shit just cause “its your family”.

I've literally never read or heard anyone saying that.

As a PP said, people mean it about close/loving families.

Not always, lots of people have said it to me even after I have told them my family were abusive.

JockTamsonsBairns · 17/12/2022 23:44

Thank you. I'm one of the people who needed to hear this. I come from a horrifically dysfunctional family, and I really struggle with these messages - particularly at Christmas.

I'm nearly 50, and the effects of my mother's lifelong emotional abuse will likely never leave me. I've had extensive therapy over the years, I've tried to put boundaries in place, and I've tried to put distance between us. But her determination to continue to abuse and manipulate me and, by association, my teenage children has led to me finally cutting all contact with her earlier this year.

I often hear things like 'you only have one mum', 'aw, she's your mum, one day she won't be here', and even 'your mum is always your best friend'.

I'm incredibly close to my sister, whose abuse at the hands of my mother has been equally as bad, if not worse - but she remains in regular contact, so that complicates our relationship.

My mother idolises her four sons and they, in turn, have managed to whitewash our upbringing. Interestingly though, they are all too fucking Busy and Important to visit her.

I've got a good nuclear family, DH and I, and the 3 DCs, and I've done everything I can to make our unit different to the one I grew up in. I'm doing fine. Not perfect, not at all, but pretty good.

Sorry, this has been far too long, and way too much detail, but it's helped me to write it down. So thank you.

noideabutstilltrying · 17/12/2022 23:48

I am now non contact with all of my family.

I tried to give my birth giver a second chance over the summer and it really back fired.

I don't intend on making that mistake again.

Not everyone has a good family. They can be good people in spite of the example they've been set

Joeylove88 · 17/12/2022 23:49

YANBU

I have a narc GM who has bullied and caused a lot of stress and MH issues for my DM all her life, and to a point also on me. She is so toxic to be around and always says horrible or inappropriate things to either or both of us yet DM won't cut her off and continues to enable the behaviour/carry on being burdened and stressed out 24/7 by her, whereas I finally learnt that I didn't actually need to put up with that shit and went really LC to the point where now I would rather go NC but my DM gets upset about it and actually low-key tries to almost guilt me into keeping contact with her by saying it gets her off her back instead of being more concerned about what affect it has on her own daughter. Do what is best for you OP 100%

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 17/12/2022 23:57

Where I'm from "family is important ". It's absolute bullshit and keeping up appearances. So we'd have the bid meals at holidays, get togethers, big events like weddings and funerals and what not. Kiss kiss it's all so wonderful.

Half of them are shitty,backstabbing poor excuses of a human being, that hate and despise each other. The gossip,the betrayals, the shittines. A whole year of so and so did this and said that and so and so is fat and vulgar and so and so is uppity and better than everyone and so on. Plus the gossip of who got married only because she was pregnant, who stole another's wedding money and so on. Then it's Christmas or a birthday or whatever and once a again kiss kiss, having to be polite and play nice and pretend we like each other . As a child it was fucking impossible and stressful to navigate. As an adult it's even more mind boggling. Stupid ass pointless shit. Like a lot of the members of my family.Grin

TheCallOfTheMild · 17/12/2022 23:57

I'm from a big family, my husband is an only child. He really doesn't get it that I'm NC with one of my sisters. "But she's your sister" yeah she's also a lying, manipulative nightmare and I don't want her anywhere near my family. My mother had to send her a solicitor's letter to warn her about some of her most viscous lies. YANBU at all OP.

NooneKnowsWhatItsLike · 18/12/2022 00:02

Yes! I agree 100% with this.

I’m sick of hearing about how I should “forgive and forget” close family members vile behaviour towards me. They acted illegally and tried to make me homeless. All because I wouldn’t do what they wanted. It’s been 5 years now of no contact and they had the audacity to invite me to Christmas dinner (message delivered via another family member as I have them blocked).

Original poster
Yeswhyofcourse · 18/12/2022 11:06

@NCcaterpillar My parents usually justify his behaviour with the typical "oh, you know how he is", "yes he is very rude but you have always been the bigger person"... so the typical enabling attitude. It was always easier to placate me than to stop his behaviour.

They have now dropped the subject to me, and they have understood that I am not giving in anymore, but for the rest of the world we are still the perfect happy family.

OP posts:
Lampshadered · 18/12/2022 11:11

Completely agree.

See also "you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother". Well maybe his mother was an abusive dickhead so he's now NC with her in order to save his sanity, but remarkably he's still a decent human being.

Original poster
Yeswhyofcourse · 18/12/2022 11:12

I can relate to all these stories, I hope this has been as helpful to you as it has been for me. I struggle so much with this topic, it is a big relief to hear people who can relate and validate my feelings. Those who cannot understand how family can be so awful are very lucky!

OP posts:
Funkyslippers · 18/12/2022 11:16

I agree. We only have a very small family and it keeps things simple. OH and his sister stopped speaking 8 years ago and I do wish they would make up however.

My 2 close friends also would agree that family is definitely not the most important thing, not when they're a shit one!

Original poster
Yeswhyofcourse · 18/12/2022 11:16

@Lampshadered So so true. In my case my brother treats my mother horrendously, and has done in front of my brother's wife. My mum still defends him and his wife does too. How she married him is beyond my understanding!

My husband treats all his sisters and mother in such a lovely way I was so shocked at the beginning, I couldn't believe how that was even possible.

OP posts:
Chikapu · 18/12/2022 11:19

I cut my brother out of my life after he threatened to kill me and my mum, piss on our graves and happily do time for it 🙄It was just one thing in a long, long line of threats and abuse.
My mum chose to forgive him and never understood why I couldn't do the same, after she died he told anyone who'd listen that I'd killed her and she was nothing more than a pile of fucking ash because of me.
My life is so peaceful without him in it, I don't intend to have anything to do with him ever again.

maddy68 · 18/12/2022 11:20

I have (had) a very complex family. Friends are the family you choose

Nooky · 18/12/2022 11:28

I agree with you @Yeswhyofcourse , I'm now getting pressure from everyone as they need additional help and I live closest
It's brought everything up again,all the stuff I thought I could leave behind me