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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect more support from BF during miscarriage

12 replies

AlwaysMessy · 17/12/2022 23:04

Long story short, I found out I was pregnant a week ago. I couldn’t get in contact w/boyfriend for 4 days, so I was dealing with an unplanned pregnancy on my own. I knew if I was pregnant I wouldn’t be able to keep it, as the timing isn’t right for anyone. If the timing had been better, I would have been happy.

After telling him, we didn’t really discuss it. Then, two nights ago, I woke up with awful cramps. Yesterday afternoon, I began bleeding. I drove to his place because I didn’t want to be alone. The pain was that bad I began vomiting. After a little while, I told him I thought I was miscarrying. He asked if he could do anything, and I said I just wanted him to stay with me, and that I just wanted him to be however he felt, I didn’t want him to be strong for me or anything, just be present with me. In the following conversation he essentially said that the pregnancy wasn’t happy news for him in the first place, which isn’t what I needed to hear when I’m miscarrying, but that’s how he felt.

This morning, I woke up, went to the bathroom, and felt something “come away”. I went back to bed and told BF. He didn’t really say anything. A couple of hours later I had to go, which we both knew because I always have to leave in the morning. I was terrified to drive home in so much pain, and terrified to be alone. He has other commitments, which I understand, but I really thought that this situation would have taken top priority in this moment. He never even offered to come back with me. He hasn’t called or text to see if I’m okay or anything. AIBU to expect more support than I’m getting? How can I ask him to come stay with me without sounding like I’m demanding or being an AH when I know he has commitments?

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 17/12/2022 23:07

This man is a walking red flag. Run like the wind, before you end up committing to this piece of shit

Temporaryname158 · 17/12/2022 23:08

This would be the end of the relationship for me.

if other commitments are other children he has then you cannot expect him to just not see them, however he doesn’t seem to have been supportive at all in the time he has been with you. Why did you go to him? Couldn’t he come to you in this situation? I wouldn’t stay with him as I’d want a partner who supported not abandoned me in my hour of need

Michellebops · 17/12/2022 23:11

You're not his priority today which you should have been regardless of the pregnancy was planned or unplanned. A miscarriage is heartbreaking and one of the toughest things you will go through.

Sending lots of love and please keep an eye on yourself over the next few days and if unwell in any way contact 111 and let them know in case there is any retained tissue.

As for the BF - get rid. Someone much better will come along ❤️

MarigoldPetals · 17/12/2022 23:15

It’s very difficult as a miscarriage can affect people very differently. For me I know that 1:5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, I was almost expecting it so it didn’t upset me as much as other things. I had 3 miscarriages and viewed it as a natural way for the body to get rid of a pregnancy that wasn’t viable. Perhaps your boyfriend felt the same?

Cw112 · 17/12/2022 23:15

"How can I ask him to come stay with me without sounding like I’m demanding or being an AH when I know he has commitments?"

You don't- you break up with him and find someone who you wouldn't need to ask to do this because they'd recognise the need for it themselves. This is how you know that this is not the relationship for you. You don't say what his other commitments were or why you had to leave but essentially you were having a medical emergency and he should absolutely have been rearranging whatever he needed to, to make sure you were OK and safe and had help getting to the hospital/doctors if it came to that. That he let you drive home alone is unfathomable. Even that he didn't come to you when you started bleeding is unfathomable. Calling or texting to check in with you is the very bare minimum of what he should be doing.

FlowerArranger · 17/12/2022 23:17

Read this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099474123

Eyerollcentral · 17/12/2022 23:49

Unless he was working on an oil rig (and even then…) I don’t understand how you could not get hold of him for four days. That’s a very long time. Doesn’t seem like he views this as a relationship in the same way you do. He will most likely be trying to avoid you now as he will be spooked that you were pregnant. It’s a dreadful experience for you. The best thing you can take out of this is the realisation this guy is a waste of space and dump him. Call any other good person you know to sit with you if you feel the need for company. Do not waste your time with this guy, he has already given you an answer to a question you haven’t even asked yet. Blocking him would be wise as it’s a lot to take when you feel vulnerable, but you will regret getting in touch with him as he will not step up

Eyerollcentral · 17/12/2022 23:53

MarigoldPetals · 17/12/2022 23:15

It’s very difficult as a miscarriage can affect people very differently. For me I know that 1:5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, I was almost expecting it so it didn’t upset me as much as other things. I had 3 miscarriages and viewed it as a natural way for the body to get rid of a pregnancy that wasn’t viable. Perhaps your boyfriend felt the same?

I do think this is very valid as well though. He probably doesn’t see this the same way you do. To him your period was late. That’s not really the point for you though as the reality is that he hasn’t even bothered to send a ten second text when you were upset when you left him

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 00:45

MarigoldPetals · 17/12/2022 23:15

It’s very difficult as a miscarriage can affect people very differently. For me I know that 1:5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, I was almost expecting it so it didn’t upset me as much as other things. I had 3 miscarriages and viewed it as a natural way for the body to get rid of a pregnancy that wasn’t viable. Perhaps your boyfriend felt the same?

No matter his OWN feelings about the matter, it was up to him to support his g/f through a singularly shit & painful couple of days.

If she'd had a migraine instead on an MC, would you be telling her it's fine for her b/f to be unsupportive, because you only get headaches, & her b/f doesn't care about her head?

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 00:50

"How can I ask him to come stay with me without sounding like I’m demanding or being an AH when I know he has commitments?"

You don't- you break up with him and find someone who you wouldn't need to ask to do this because they'd recognise the need for it themselves.

Exactly.
OP - you've had a horrible time of it, & the solution isn't to twist yourself into knots trying to find the 'right' form of words to persuade your b/f to conduct himself like a decent human.
The solution is to dump the fucker, & keep yourself available for a decent man.

If you feel unable to do that - please bear in mind, this is NOT a man you should get pregnant by again. Watertight contraception until you are finally ready to leave him. He is just not LTR material, let alone dad material.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 00:51

To him your period was late.

Oh come on.
Men get taught biology in school too.
HE got OP pregnant. Then didn't show her compassion when she needed him.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 00:53

Unless he was working on an oil rig (and even then…) I don’t understand how you could not get hold of him for four days. That’s a very long time. Doesn’t seem like he views this as a relationship in the same way you do. He will most likely be trying to avoid you now as he will be spooked that you were pregnant. It’s a dreadful experience for you. The best thing you can take out of this is the realisation this guy is a waste of space and dump him. Call any other good person you know to sit with you if you feel the need for company.

God, all of this.

OP - I know this hurts. But he is not good enough for you, Flowers

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