Anyone else feel suffocated? First time mum

Xmas1982 · 2022-12-17T22:35:42+00:00

My DS is 6 months old and I am a first time mum. We have loads of family including 3 sets of grandparents (my parents are split up) and 2 main sets of great grandparents as they’re still young and then SIL BILs. I am still on maternity and my DP works full time. I find it really difficult to fit everyone in to see DS and to be honest it’s just suffocating. For example if everyone wanted to see him 1 or 2 times a week? Couple of them once every two weeks minimum. How many visits is that! Mil is particularly bad but this is a whole other story to be honest but in short I have found her overbearing. She likes to take over etc. I don’t know what it is but she takes over in a way my own mum doesn’t. She wants to know why she doesn’t have DS as much as her granddaughter who sleeps at their house at least once a week. Apparently I must “share” DS because DP is her son and DS is his son and therefore he’s a part of her. I don’t like being away from him but have let him sleep out when we’ve had plans. (Few at my mums, few at MILs). She sees him probably twice a week but always comments she doesn’t see DS enough. Luckily my mum is chilled and doesn’t nag or on my case About having him for frequent unneeded sleepovers. I know we’re lucky we have family and people who want to help but I just feel like I can’t breathe half the time it’s too much

EveryoneIsIll · 17/12/2022 23:30

That. Sounds. Awful. Don’t let her bully you. You do it your way. Twice a week is loads imo. I’d feel stifled too.

CardiffMam · 17/12/2022 23:34

My MIL was the same when my son was born. I refused to see her unless my husband was there, and he didn't want to spend his weekends with her so the visits naturally spread out.

Original poster

Xmas1982 · 18/12/2022 08:52

EveryoneIsIll · 17/12/2022 23:30

That. Sounds. Awful. Don’t let her bully you. You do it your way. Twice a week is loads imo. I’d feel stifled too.

Thank you. Sometimes I just don’t know if I’m being over sensitive is it normal for grandparents to be like this? My mum isn’t. I know people who don’t let their babies sleep out at all I just don’t want it for no reason I miss him and he’s still a baby

OP posts:

Jellyjam36 · 18/12/2022 08:54

This is awful and I'd say no. Not even my own Mum saw my son that much until he was about 9 months old. It want at least 3 days a week to go do other things - play cafe, playgroup, walks with friends. You need to put your foot down and set boundaries, he is your son and your baby.

Ginsloth · 18/12/2022 08:58

Please stand up for yourself, OP. Having overbearing relatives it’s absolutely horrible, I know. I think it’s exacerbated when it’s in-laws too because most of us don’t feel as comfortable being honest with them. For example if my mom said she was going to come over this morning, I’d be inclined to say “ah, this morning’s not a good time, we’re having a lazy morning in PJs and then I’ve got three loads of laundry to get through”. There’d be no bother, no offence taken and she’d come over another time. It’s not always as easy with in-laws though.
Remember he’s your baby, you don’t have to leave him with anyone, overnight or otherwise, if you don’t want to. And you also don’t need to give reasons. When MIL next asks to have him overnight, can you not just say “No, thank you, we don’t want to do that”? If she has anything to say about that, with comparisons to other grandchildren etc, just say “we’re all different”. You don’t need to engage with reasoning, you just need to stand firm with what you want for your baby.

Candlesoftime · 18/12/2022 09:30

I agree, set clear rules and boundaries. If you don't want your son to stay overnight, I think that's totally reasonable. My DD is 6 months old and I think I'd struggle to leave her overnight even if we had anyone to take her, I think we'd both miss each other, sappy as that sounds. They're only this little once, right, and I want us to bond as much as possible. He's YOUR precious baby - if you want a night out you do it, if you don't want to be away from your baby, that's your choice too.

... Also, I think that no one is guaranteed children in this world, and no one is guaranteed grandchildren either. I really struggle to see why some people feel entitled to grandchildren, or to a certain amount of involvement with grandchildren. It's all just blessings that we should be grateful for, right? Your MIL sees your son a lot already and should make the most of what she has.

Original poster

Xmas1982 · 18/12/2022 09:48

Ginsloth · 18/12/2022 08:58

Please stand up for yourself, OP. Having overbearing relatives it’s absolutely horrible, I know. I think it’s exacerbated when it’s in-laws too because most of us don’t feel as comfortable being honest with them. For example if my mom said she was going to come over this morning, I’d be inclined to say “ah, this morning’s not a good time, we’re having a lazy morning in PJs and then I’ve got three loads of laundry to get through”. There’d be no bother, no offence taken and she’d come over another time. It’s not always as easy with in-laws though.
Remember he’s your baby, you don’t have to leave him with anyone, overnight or otherwise, if you don’t want to. And you also don’t need to give reasons. When MIL next asks to have him overnight, can you not just say “No, thank you, we don’t want to do that”? If she has anything to say about that, with comparisons to other grandchildren etc, just say “we’re all different”. You don’t need to engage with reasoning, you just need to stand firm with what you want for your baby.

Thank you so much I feel so much better reading this. And I do stand up and say what I think when needed I think it’s just hard because you aren’t as comfortable being honest like you said

OP posts:

Original poster

Xmas1982 · 18/12/2022 09:52

Candlesoftime · 18/12/2022 09:30

I agree, set clear rules and boundaries. If you don't want your son to stay overnight, I think that's totally reasonable. My DD is 6 months old and I think I'd struggle to leave her overnight even if we had anyone to take her, I think we'd both miss each other, sappy as that sounds. They're only this little once, right, and I want us to bond as much as possible. He's YOUR precious baby - if you want a night out you do it, if you don't want to be away from your baby, that's your choice too.

... Also, I think that no one is guaranteed children in this world, and no one is guaranteed grandchildren either. I really struggle to see why some people feel entitled to grandchildren, or to a certain amount of involvement with grandchildren. It's all just blessings that we should be grateful for, right? Your MIL sees your son a lot already and should make the most of what she has.

you have really made me feel so much better thank you so much. I wouldn’t mind him going for a couple of hours eg let me get housework done but it always seems they want full day n night it’s like it’s all or nothing and sometimes comments get said and my OH says she’s joking take no notice but she clearly isn’t. He does agree with me though but thinks I take stuff to heart. Me and MIL have openly discussed it before and I was honest as she said something that upset me but I feel like tension is maybe building back up again!

OP posts:

piedbeauty · 18/12/2022 10:01

Good. My dd didn't do sleepovers until they were at least three. We have a much smaller family and mine weren't being overbearing, though...

Put your foot down. Get dp to tell his mum to back off. Your baby, you decide where they go. Mil has had her babies, doesn't get a say with yours!

Ponoka7 · 18/12/2022 10:08

Be honest with her and say that you don't want him away from you for so long, but would be happy to build it up. Then shut down any pushing.