To ask for advice on my relationship with my DM

[Mistakeorrelief]

This will be long and I have NC'd due to this being very personal.

For background I am mid-30s and brother is 30. I have been no contact with my brother since as soon as was possible, DM knows this. I get on well with my DM and often spend time on lunches, visiting events and so on with her.

The main problem is that even though I've made clear I want nothing to do with him, I can't get away from his behaviour impacting me due to his toxic relationship with my DM.
For example - last Christmas I had plans for the day with DM but less than a week to go and he again got chucked out by his GF and was staying at DMs so I couldn't go and spent it alone with no food. Another example - I looked after DMs cat whilst on holiday, had to deal with baliffs at her door. It just brings back all the anxious and unpleasant feelings, plus it's horrible being dumped in preference for someone else's lastest drama.

My DM seems to constantly gaslight me about having a problem with this, insinuating I'm saying she should chuck him out, or that she is still his parent etc. I really don't care what she does with him, I'm beyond trying to help her, but I just don't want to have anything to do with him or be impacted by his terrible life choices.

I'm really looking for experiences and thoughts on this. I feel like she will never realise that she is enabling him, that it impacts her other relationships but also is it really something to lose your relationship with your mother over? That said, it is so stressful not being able to trust plans you've made, and being hurt by all of it.

More info:
The reason I am NC with B is that since his early teenage years he has been an incredibly unpleasant person. He was/is violent, verbally abusive, stole from me/us, took drugs, regularly got arrested, kept dangerous company that knew where we lived and so on. It was a really stressful time for me as I was doing exams, was so anxious about what was happening at home and my DM was also an alcoholic which was really bad at the time.

He is NT but does have some medical issues which adds to DM case of her need to 'support' him. He also financially abuses my DM, and she just allows him to.

I've tried helping her see how toxic this is, and she does acknowledge it, but she's always been quite a meek and mild person and has never really parented so I don't think she has the strength or skills to manage the situation. It is easier for her to acquiesce to him. I accept I can't change this and it will only be her who can make things change.

He's still her child and she loves him despite his behaviour. I don't think there's much you can do other than going NC with your DM, which I assume you wouldn't want to do. Is there any reason why she can't come to yours or meet outside the house?

Yes I acknowledge this for sure.

We can meet but I do feel uncomfortable making plans and walking on eggshells about them when it goes wrong (e.g. the baliffs situation), or having them changed due to his latest issue.

Also part of my thinks is that all I get? I feel like I'm worth more than this.

If you had a few days notice why would you have no food over Christmas?

Out of the whole post this is what you took from it?

Anyway, clearly I meant that I had no Christmas food. 1. Because we bought it all for / at her house and 2. Because I was away with work right up to Christmas Eve and 3. What's the point in buying a Christmas meal for one?

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this situation alone. Your sadness is palpable. If you can, seek out an older person to befriend. Someone with life experience and kindness that can give you friendship that will give you the chance to step back from your mum. I think if you could distance yourself enough that things like Christmas and birthdays could be spent with special friends instead of your parent, you’d feel a lot less stressed and unhappy. Hugs to you I feel you need them.

Thanks so much for your kind words.

I know logically I should distance myself, although DM claims I'm being difficult and unreasonable when I try. Also one of my friends lost her mother recently and I'm scared I'll regret it when it's too late.

You need to find a way to accept she's going to be in contact with him.

Sorry it's so difficult.

I would've had (and have had) a fantastic Christmas food selection on my own - it doesn't need to be turkey and the trimmings it can be all the cheese and chocolate or just a ton of nibbles and wee bites that you fancy.

You say that your mother had serious issues with alcohol when you were growing up. I'm not making excuses for your brothers behaviour, which does not sound good, but this would have impacted on him as well as you. Maybe she is now trying to make amends to him, possibly not in the most healthy way.

@ohioriver fully accept she will be in contact with him but I do feel a bit sorry for her she continues to be manipulated and caused stress by him.

@CPL593H I agree this will have causes him issues, although not everyone who goes through something traumatic has to be a horrible person as a result. Also he had issues with behaviour from a young age, well before DMs issues, and was assessed by CAMHs a few times but conclusion was it was purely behavioural and he needed some good parenting, boundaries and so on.

Anyway I'm beyond trying to analyse this all because it's nothing to do with me - I can't change anything.

Does anyone else have any similar experiences?

@Mistakeorrelief - to a far lesser extent than you, yes. I accepted long ago that I wouldn't be able to change anything. I have a superficial relationship with my DB for the sake of my DM. I give her advice about his latest issues/problems but refuse to get dragged in too much. Funnily enough, it's always Christmas time when I explode at the injustice I've felt most of my teen and adult life. I seem to be able to keep a lid on the pot the rest of the year!

Sorry to hear you've had struggles too.

I suppose this is a time of year when you are thinking about family and making plans which seems to exacerbate issues.

Yes I have this with my mum and my sister, who I am NC with. In her case I’m fairly sure she is ND, but is also an utter arsehole, so I’m now NC.

It does absolutely and totally suck, and what’s worse is no one seems to understand what it’s like, as it’s such a weird and horrible situation.

Echoing PP, I just have to accept my mum has a relationship with her, let’s her live rent free in her house, and essentially will let herself be abused. Where I draw the line is letting myself or my family be abused - absolutely no way. It makes things logistically and emotionally very difficult, but it’s the only thing you can do.

At least you’ve had the clarity and agency to step back and find your own way in the world - you sound like you’ve been through a lot but are still successful, and that’s a lot to be proud of.

Thanks for your message.

You're absolutely right that noone understands it - I have never told a soul, I really don't think I could explain it and I would just be overwhelmed with embarassment I think. Normal people and families wouldn't be able to make sense of it.

Although I've been fine and quite successful in life despite this, I can't have relationships and even struggle with friendships as I find it hard to trust and impossible to open up to people so it has made it's mark.