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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do

21 replies

whatdoido97 · 17/12/2022 21:06

DP just went mental after he lied to me and I caught him out (a minor lie but a lie nonetheless). Screaming with 6mo DD in his arms who was terrified, I took her off of him and told him to leave and he then started throwing and kicking a box of nappies around the kitchen whilst yelling and screaming. Think he kicked the door too as there's a big black mark now. DD was distraught and I had to calm her down for a good few minutes. He stormed out but came back and told me it was my fault as he knew I just wouldn't leave the fact he'd lied and would ruin our otherwise nice day.

He doesn't really have form for this- he lies sometimes 'to protect me from issues' and can be quite dramatic but he has never scared me like this. When he knows he's in the wrong he tends to have a huge reaction to detract from the initial wrongdoing.

Am I being over the top in feeling really worried and scared? I feel so unhappy and heartbroken. He can be so kind and loving to me and we have fun sometimes, but he definitely has a side to him and I find myself scared of what mood he's going to be in when he comes home.

I feel a bit trapped and scared to provoke him. I'm on mat pay and he owns the house we live in and we're not married. I'm ashamed to tell my family what's just happened too as they love him and everyone wants a nice happy Christmas.

Am I overreacting thinking this is quite an awful thing for him to have done? Do I just need to get over it and accept he's not always going to be lovely?

OP posts:
Cakeandcoffee93 · 17/12/2022 21:08

Tell your family- your scared
do you really want this to happen again with him holding baby?
what the hell is he playing at

Cakeandcoffee93 · 17/12/2022 21:08

honestly don’t feel bad for wanting a good Christmas without him- your poor baby

thisisasurvivor · 17/12/2022 21:09

He's showing you who he really is

I wish I had left at the first major encounter like this

But I stayed and it got ten times worse

Please go xxxxxxxx

Original poster
whatdoido97 · 17/12/2022 21:10

I feel just destroyed for DD. My family aren't super supportive and love him. My father has a history of DV himself far worse than this so I worry they'll just think I'm being dramatic.
DD is my priority I just don't know if what he did was that bad apart from scaring her, she has not heard him shout like that before

OP posts:
gliiterryballs · 17/12/2022 21:10

Do I just need to get over it and accept he's not always going to be lovely?

No you need to leave and protect your child. This kind of behaviour only ever escalates. Even if he wasn't being a dick he is a liar, who wants to live with someone they can't trust?

Original poster
whatdoido97 · 17/12/2022 21:11

Thank you for your replies, I'm scared and don't even know how to leave

OP posts:
gliiterryballs · 17/12/2022 21:11

DD is my priority I just don't know if what he did was that bad apart from scaring her, she has not heard him shout like that before

I would lay very last penny I own that she will hear it again...

Whattodo182 · 17/12/2022 21:12

If you had no children his behaviour is unacceptable. Whilst holding a 6 month old infant, it's frankly deplorable.

Tell your family NOW. Its not, and never will be your fault. If you don't tell them, it will get harder and harder and the shame/guilt will get worse.

I'm so sorry you and your baby went through this but please please please don't for a SECOND think that this is OK because he's "sometimes a nice guy".

Kids are HARD and test the most steadfast relationships. It is easier on your own than with someone you can't trust to hold their temper, I promise.

Whattodo182 · 17/12/2022 21:14

whatdoido97 · 17/12/2022 21:11

Thank you for your replies, I'm scared and don't even know how to leave

You mentioned your DF has prior for DV so I'd probably steer clear of there. Do you have any other family or close friends you could go to for a couple of nights to get your head straight and plan your next moves?

PebblesHarley · 17/12/2022 21:16

Ur not over reacting. If u felt scared u know its not right. Please reach out to family and friends or is there a local domestic abuse charity ? They deal with lots of abuse not just physical violence .

ConnieTucker · 17/12/2022 21:18

he definitely has a side to him and I find myself scared of what mood he's going to be in when he comes home.
you do need to leave. You've time to start again. You child will know no different

Escapingafter50years · 17/12/2022 21:22

I suspect because of your father's DV history "being far worse", and btw I'm assuming you're saying he was a victim rather than a perpetrator, you have minimised your partners behaviour. I suspect if you look hard there will be many red flags, including that he creates a scene in order to avoid taking responsibility.

Please tell people you trust what happened. It is not your fault, but if you don't address the situation you are condoning it and giving him permission to continue and escalate.

Is this what you want your daughter to learn, that a man can do what he likes to a woman and she just has to take it?

thisisasurvivor · 17/12/2022 21:49

Whattodo182 · 17/12/2022 21:12

If you had no children his behaviour is unacceptable. Whilst holding a 6 month old infant, it's frankly deplorable.

Tell your family NOW. Its not, and never will be your fault. If you don't tell them, it will get harder and harder and the shame/guilt will get worse.

I'm so sorry you and your baby went through this but please please please don't for a SECOND think that this is OK because he's "sometimes a nice guy".

Kids are HARD and test the most steadfast relationships. It is easier on your own than with someone you can't trust to hold their temper, I promise.

Yes just deplorable

I remember when my bastard ex shouted and threw things with the baby in my arms
I knew it was aa that moment we had to run as fast as we could

Call women's aid pls

Elieza · 17/12/2022 21:54

LTB
you and your child deserve better.

he will get worse and you will inevitably leave him then so why live on egg shells til then.

Benefits can actually be quite good.

whatsoccuringnow · 17/12/2022 21:55

Please go. If any of your family have a spare room go there. This is a sign of things to come. I wish I left the first time. I'm now facing a massive legal battle with my ex. If I'd gone before we were married and had property together and the kids were small it would have been so much easier. No one is allowed to treat you like this. Its not okay x

Original poster
whatdoido97 · 17/12/2022 22:04

It's difficult because even though I'm close to my mum she thinks I'm so lucky to have DP as she was so abused by my father.
I live hours away from my family and I have no friends.
Dp is telling me he knows what he did was unacceptable and he is struggling with life; he feels suicidal and is going to get counselling. I'm just sat here silently crying, I can't believe I'm in this situation.
I know I need to leave, I know enough about DV that this is not going to get better. I just need a plan.
Thanks to everyone for the comments. Going to go and hold my daughter tight now and come up with a plan tomorrow. X.

OP posts:
OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 18/12/2022 00:42

whatdoido97 · 17/12/2022 21:10

I feel just destroyed for DD. My family aren't super supportive and love him. My father has a history of DV himself far worse than this so I worry they'll just think I'm being dramatic.
DD is my priority I just don't know if what he did was that bad apart from scaring her, she has not heard him shout like that before

If your DD really is your priority then you need to leave and now

TheShellBeach · 18/12/2022 00:51

I'm very sorry you're in this situation, OP. I hope you figure out a plan and leave this man. I should have left my husband years before I finally did. I put myself and two DC through a lot before I got a divorce.
www.womensaid.org.uk will help you.

All the best. You will look back on this and know that you did the right thing eventually. I know it's very hard to leave when you've got a baby.

kimchifix · 18/12/2022 00:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

kimchifix · 18/12/2022 00:57

So sorry no idea how that ended up here, I was replying to a completely different post

OooScotland · 18/12/2022 00:58

He will get worse and will be a danger to the lives of yourself and your baby.

The lying, screaming and shouting was just a warning of what is to come. The physical violence has already started with the kicking of objects and will 100% not stop there. It will escalate, and fast.

Sorry to say it, OP, but you have to leave asap and never go back.

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