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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is being a nice person overrated?

31 replies

Spck · 17/12/2022 20:45

I’d love to hear views on this. I’m late 50s so have a fair amount of life experience. Have always tried to be a ‘nice’ person by helping friends in need and supporting family in need. But for various reasons I’ve been let down by various people I’ve helped.
So don’t pounce and say you shouldn’t expect anything nice back. But rather I would like to know what do you think makes a good person and what is the point of trying to be a nice person? And if there is really no point in being nice, I’d love to know how you set your moral compass.
For me, I’ve decided that immediate family are the main people to invest my time in as they are the ones who always have your back.

OP posts:
DucklingDaisy · 17/12/2022 20:49

Looking at it in a very self-interested way, I've found that helping people can be good for me in that it boosts my self-esteem, makes me feel good about myself and competent and so on. I think feeling taken for a mug does the exact opposite though so there's a line.

Morally, it's obviously better to put good things out into the world and make peoples lives better rather than worse, but I don't think you should feel obliged to martyr yourself. I agree with you about prioritising immediate family. One reason I'm not going to overstretch myself is because it would make me a worse mum to my kids I think.

Hermione101 · 17/12/2022 20:49

I’m not sure it’s a question of being nice. I’m nice to people in the service industry, colleagues, etc…I bend over backwards for those who reciprocate. Those who don’t, I don’t go out of my way for.

Milesty1 · 17/12/2022 20:55

is it possible that your judgement has been a little off, for example some people attract ‘users’ or sponges because they don’t set clear boundaries etc? So maybe it’s not all people just you’ve been burned a few times? I would help anyone in need if they asked no matter how well I knew them. But if someone seems a bit needy or CF-ery I will try and steer clear.

NewToWoo · 17/12/2022 20:55

I think there's a difference between being a 'nice' person and a good person. A good person does the right thing - hands lost property to the police, helps a stranger who falls in the street etc. But a nice person goes out of their way, often in a way that is (understandably) quite transactional.

I used to be 'nice'. I was run ragged, cooking meals for women I barely knew who had just had babies, helping out on every village, church and school committee, making zero friends because I was always so busy and stressed and increasingly deeply upset that despite me being so 'nice' and helpful, no one seemed to like me much or be nice back in return. They were all too busy enjoying their lives and protecting their sanity, health, free time and families. I realised I'd prefer to do the same. So I stopped being 'nice' but I am still good. I'm no longer run ragged, I prioritise my family. But I would always do the right thing if needed and expect nothing in return.

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/12/2022 20:57

I don't think nice is overrated but it can often by undervalued. And it's important not to confuse nice with not maintaining your boundaries.

I don't prioritise immediate family. I treat everyone the same i.e. nicely unless/until their behaviour means they don't deserve my niceness.

AndyandLance · 17/12/2022 20:58

I very much pride myself on being a kind, nice person.

But I also am proud to have strong boundaries, self confidence and assertiveness.

The balance takes some practice!

YolayCaprese · 17/12/2022 21:00

I try to be a nice person, or a good person. I would never speak rudely to anyone, tailgate in the car, I rarely gossip about anyone. But I do think there's little point. The assholes get what they want and the nice people get trampled on. So what's the point? If you're nice and kind and helpful towards people they seem to despise you for it. I definitely focus my energies more on family as they do seem to at least appreciate my efforts.

Googlecanthelpme · 17/12/2022 21:01

”Nice” is a bit of a misleading word isn’t it.

I am definitely “nice” as in I am kind to people, kind to animals, donate to charities, try to act with integrity, I try to gentle parent and raise my kids to be kind and decent humans. I try to live sustainably, recycle etc.

i would give my seat up for someone who needed it, advocate for someone who couldn’t advocate for themself, speak up if I saw unkind behaviour etc.

So all those things are “nice” aren’t they.

But I’m quite introverted and a
bit antisocial now but I am also quite confident so this combines to make me appear brisk or cold or a bit of a bitch I guess. I have the word gobshite banded around me before. Bossy too. I don’t do playground chit chat and don’t make friends easily because im Not particularly bubbly or “soft”. I think people see a tough exterior.

people probably don’t think I’m nice unfortunately because I’m not soft and feminine. But I am a good person. And I’d extend that “good” where needed.

Spck · 17/12/2022 21:04

@YolayCaprese I think that is the conclusion I’m coming to but feel slightly bad about it but can’t see any alternative.

OP posts:
ReluctantLondoners · 17/12/2022 21:05

No, I don't think so. I am nice to everyone irl and it is usually reciprocated. But I don't do big things for people outside my family unless they ask. I'm quite introverted really and don't have close friends who rely on me for support. I am very close to my siblings though, my brother in particular. That isn't a conscious decision, but just how it's worked out.

I also have clear boundaries which I don't let people step over really. Because I'm very bubbly and friendly people do occasionally think that means I'm a pushover, which I'm not. I don't hold grudges though and just forget people I don't like. I find it a very low stress approach

mackthepony · 17/12/2022 21:06

I do just find that you give people an inch and they take a mile.

So I've stopped giving inches.

It seems like people think nice = pushover.

roundtable · 17/12/2022 21:11

AndyandLance · 17/12/2022 20:58

I very much pride myself on being a kind, nice person.

But I also am proud to have strong boundaries, self confidence and assertiveness.

The balance takes some practice!

Very much this!
Being nice doesn't equate been being a walkover.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 17/12/2022 21:24

I have no idea if I'm nice or not. I am however polite and don't go out of my way to be a dick. That's good enough.

JoonT · 17/12/2022 21:50

I've always loved the quote "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." And manners/niceness are a form of kindness. I go out of my way to kind and polite to waiters, shop assistants, postmen, etc, even if they're miserable and unfriendly. I always think "well, for all I know you're like that because your mum is dying of cancer, or your partner is having an affair...or whatever." You just don't know.

More generally, kindness/niceness IS a good thing. And I do believe that you generally get back what you put out into the world. We all create the world we live in. It's no good complaining that people are spiteful and rude if you're not very nice yourself.

But...some people are assholes. There's no getting around it. And such people despise niceness. They see it as weakness/soppyness and take advantage. Unfortunately, a lot of assholes pretend to be nice themselves in order to get what they want. I've watched this numerous times – horrible, vicious people with zero empathy pretending to be sweet/to care in order to get something out of someone (sex, money, etc). I know an attention-seeking narcissist, for example, who went door to door with his kids during lockdown asking the elderly if they needed help. Now this person (who I know well) could not have cared less if every old person in the village starved to death. He did it because it was an opportunity to show off and take photos (which he then plastered all over Instagram and Facebook).

Thankfully, humans are pretty good at spotting a fake. It may take time, but they get there. The silliest thing ever said is "I treat everybody the same". Don't. Be nice to the nice people, be cold and distant with the assholes.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 17/12/2022 22:00

DucklingDaisy · 17/12/2022 20:49

Looking at it in a very self-interested way, I've found that helping people can be good for me in that it boosts my self-esteem, makes me feel good about myself and competent and so on. I think feeling taken for a mug does the exact opposite though so there's a line.

Morally, it's obviously better to put good things out into the world and make peoples lives better rather than worse, but I don't think you should feel obliged to martyr yourself. I agree with you about prioritising immediate family. One reason I'm not going to overstretch myself is because it would make me a worse mum to my kids I think.

Exactly. Helping others makes me feel.good as long as you establish boundaries and don't let yourself be taken advantage of or become a people pleaser.

I definitely have to resist the temptation of helping the wrong people and being a mug or burning myself out doing too much and neglecting my own needs but selfishly being helpful within reason helps my self esteem.

winteresting · 17/12/2022 22:07

Following with interest as was actually thinking today “am I nice enough?”

There was a time I was very invested in my friends, families, neighbours well-being and in a lot of cases got very little in return and at the same time took away from energy I should have been focusing on my own well-being.

I decided no more and to focus on my own well-being as priority as I had had a hard time, didn’t have the energy and knew I needed to heal myself (sorry to sound wanky here 😂). This meant I did find myself doing less for others and question how ‘nice’ I am now. I sometimes fear I have gone the other way and maybe I’m now a bit cold.

I think my ideal image of ‘niceness’ is someone strong, no nonsense, but warm and kind to those deserving. That’s who I want / try to be.

winteresting · 17/12/2022 22:08

Ps also agree about prioritising immediate family.

dancingqueen123 · 17/12/2022 22:11

It's thankless sometimes isn't it.

winteresting · 17/12/2022 22:12

ReluctantLondoners · 17/12/2022 21:05

No, I don't think so. I am nice to everyone irl and it is usually reciprocated. But I don't do big things for people outside my family unless they ask. I'm quite introverted really and don't have close friends who rely on me for support. I am very close to my siblings though, my brother in particular. That isn't a conscious decision, but just how it's worked out.

I also have clear boundaries which I don't let people step over really. Because I'm very bubbly and friendly people do occasionally think that means I'm a pushover, which I'm not. I don't hold grudges though and just forget people I don't like. I find it a very low stress approach

Because I'm very bubbly and friendly people do occasionally think that means I'm a pushover, which I'm not.

People are like this with me. Think again hey ;)

Carly366 · 17/12/2022 22:12

This is something I have been thinking about lately. I do my very best for people and even more for my close friends. But recently when I needed them most they haven’t even called to see me. They have text . I’m so hurt over this.
I have also been hurt recently by my sister that I have been there for through her illness but now it’s as if I don’t exist and she has said nasty things to me.
so my thoughts are be kind to myself first but I still have part of me that wants to help and bring kindness to anyone I can.
lately I just feel so lonely.
sorry for rant .

MovieQueen12 · 17/12/2022 22:13

You can be nice but you have to have strong boundaries too. Something i have learnt the hard way.

winteresting · 17/12/2022 22:15

Carly366 · 17/12/2022 22:12

This is something I have been thinking about lately. I do my very best for people and even more for my close friends. But recently when I needed them most they haven’t even called to see me. They have text . I’m so hurt over this.
I have also been hurt recently by my sister that I have been there for through her illness but now it’s as if I don’t exist and she has said nasty things to me.
so my thoughts are be kind to myself first but I still have part of me that wants to help and bring kindness to anyone I can.
lately I just feel so lonely.
sorry for rant .

Love to you. Hope things get better for you. I’m sorry you been feeling lonely. 🧡🧡🧡

daretodenim · 17/12/2022 22:20

I'm getting on your age. I've found that being nice often involves women accepting a lot of crap and extra work. Without thanks - or with a thanks that's not a full thanks. I mean, far better to actually help me out in doing Y than thanking me at the end and next time not helping but "thanking" me IYSWIM.

I've also noticed (a while ago) that men aren't ever measured, or valued, on whether they're "nice".

So I've been working on getting it out of my vocabulary. Same with "kind".

I'm now more interested in respect. And if I'm not treated with it, then I don't have time for that person in my life. I'm polite, helpful where I can be etc. - generally pro-social in my behaviour - but nice and kind are both a bit meaningless to me now.

Once men start to get judged on them and to self-judge their worth on how nice and kind they think they appear, and then use that to value themselves with, I may reevaluate. Or not. But that won't happen in my lifetime anyway.

mdh2020 · 17/12/2022 22:23

To everyone who knows me I am a kind, nice, caring person but I sometimes feel deep down that I am not like this at all. I just behave that way because it is expected and I feel it is what I should do. I tell DD that ‘I just pretend to be nice’. I know really I am that person doing everything for everyone else (that’s how it feels) but occasionally I think it would be lovely to say no and just do what I want to do.

Etinoxaurus · 17/12/2022 22:25

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/12/2022 20:57

I don't think nice is overrated but it can often by undervalued. And it's important not to confuse nice with not maintaining your boundaries.

I don't prioritise immediate family. I treat everyone the same i.e. nicely unless/until their behaviour means they don't deserve my niceness.

Exactly. I’m lovely 😊…
but I have good boundaries so I don’t burn out or feel resentful.