To think this is bordering abusive?

[Mrspatmoressouffle]

My boyfriend is very close to his best friend who is housemates with although they are both moving into their own places in the new year, so I see and speak to him often.

He has been seeing a girl for a few months. They got into a relationship and she became pregnant however said she wanted an abortion, of course all fine - im pro choice and have had an abortion myself so I did reach out to her to offer support at the time. She then broke up with him claiming she wanted to be with someone else but he continued to see her as she was upset about the pregnancy. They haven’t stopped seeing each other since however aren’t together.

She has stated since she wanted to keep the pregnancy but has still been out drinking often. She rings him at all hours of the night upset and he rushes to her side but still claims she doesn’t want to be with him. We have questioned him on the pregnancy as I am concerned about her drinking if she wants to keep the pregnancy. He has said she is now saying ‘I’ve probably lost it anyway’ and she hasn’t been to see a doctor or midwife at all.

I think he really cares for this woman but he has changed a lot over the past month this has been happening, seems very down and often sleeps all day when he comes home from her house. I am really concerned that she is emotionally abusing him and I hate to speculate but I am now worried that the pregnancy isn’t genuine as she seems blasé about it with the drinking and the off and on decisions about keeping it despite the effects drinking would have combined with the fact she hasn’t seen a doctor. The emotional manipulation of calling him crying to go to her in the middle of the night and then saying she wants to be with other people.

Boyfriend and I support him as best we can but I really think it’s becoming a toxic and emotionally abusive situation. What are others opinions? Would you think my take on it seems accurate? I’m really concerned.

It sounds like a crap situation, but there’s nothing you can do about it. In many ways it doesn’t practically matter whether it’s abuse or not, or whose fault it is, the only thing you can do is be there to offer support to your friend.

It does sound very toxic but she may not be doing it intentionally so I'd try not to be angry with her.. hormones really can send you absolutely loops especially if the pregnancy wasn't planned and you weren't expecting it.
But, he really does need some clearer boundaries with her. What does he actually want from the situation? It takes two to tango.. he's out there continuing to sleep with her... He can be supportive without sleeping with her.
But id also probably advise not getting overly involved in trying to pass judgement or apportion blame.. just be there for your friend and listen to him etc.. this sounds like a situation that will feed off any drama and any involvement from you might just make it even more volatile and end up damaging your friendship. Ultimately it has to be him who decides to make a boundary and stick to it.

It sounds like you aren’t sure she’s actually pregnant? Horrible situation but time will reveal that.

I’m honestly not convinced at this point she is pregnant, no. Which I think is a cruel thing to do to somebody. We started to question him on what was happening with the pregnancy (didn’t question the validity of it) and expressed concerns for drinking if she was planning to keep it. Which I think is fair, I would hate for a child to be born with preventable issues.

but it just seems a little too convenient that she has now said she has ‘probably lost it’. I have had an abortion and a a miscarriage and there was no ‘probably’ about the vomiting, contractions, agonising pain and passing the foetuses and placenta. Surely you would know.

@Mrspatmoressouffle do you know if she took a test with him present? She must have surly given him strong reason to believe she is pregnant or he probably would have come to the same conclusion you have?

It sounds like she's not in a good headspace whether that's from the toxic nature of the relationship or the hormones and shock of an unexpected pregnancy. Either way she clearly isn't handling things well and needs support herself. How far along is she meant to be? You wouldn't normally see anyone here until 12 weeks- just a phone call with the gp. Again you're getting all info 3rd hand from your bf from his friend so for all you know she may have had symptoms that have made her question whether she's still pregnant or she could be referring to the effects of the alcohol she's been drinking without fully understanding the impact on a pregnancy.

I think this is a journey he needs to go on, he needs to work out what boundaries he's happy with and he needs to try and get her to the gp to deal with what's happening and look at her options but ultimately its her body and her choice if she decides to do that or not. It doesn't necessarily mean she's not pregnant- i had a lot of heavy bleeding early in my pregnancy and baby is now 3 weeks old. If she is pregnant and she eventually is picked up by health services as being pregnant and didn't present to gp or midwives within an appropriate time frame then there will likely be a referral made to social services to investigate that.

I'd be trying to support your friend as neutrally as possible and let him make his own call on this as he knows her better and probably more of the story. I'd encourage him to speak to his own gp or a counsellor to get some support as he tries to support her.

It's a sad situation but I think you should stay out of it. If your boyfriend wants to say something or try to help his friend, it's more so down to him.