To ask for how to cope with being disliked?

[Nativitie]

I think I must have a lower than usual threshold to be able to cope with people not liking me.

I know this comes down to self-esteem and the fact I experienced emotional neglect as a child.

Please can you give me some tips on those occasions where you feel people dont like you?

My daughter started at a new school this week and I would like to be able to chat to mums but I feel really insecure at the moment.

I know the best approach is to love yourself so much it doesn't matter what anyone says but I don't always have the strength!

Of course I know not everyone will be mean but I don't try as much as I could jn case they are!!

I'm sorry you feel like that, Nativitie.

Try to relax and just be yourself. Don't make conversation unless you really have something to say, it's when people try too hard that it comes out wrong. Talking to other mums at school entrance is not the be all and end all of everything anyway, it's often a superficial and gossipy environment.

I was much the same as a young person, never knew what to say to people and what I did say was frequently gauche and stupid. When I became a mother, I was more confident and that grew, especially in my work environment. I felt I had to step up for the sake of my child whom I wanted to grow up relaxed, confident and happy in own skin.

It will happen for you too but having a fulfilling job, even part time, that you enjoy is very important for confidence and you meet a variety of people. It can be great fun too.

Walk tall, girl!

All the school mums are in the same boat when the kids first start school. There's no reason to think that you will be disliked at all. Even if you don't make friends with anyone there these people are acquaintances smile and say good morning/afternoon be friendly that's all you can really do.

Yes that's true. I haven't been mindlessly chatting at the school gates as i did at the previous school.

I think sometimes I feel strong, I like myself and that's enough after all i have my old friends and sometimes I feel almost zipped up with shyness!

Donyou think everyone feels like that in slightly unnatural situations?

I just chat away and usually compliment something their kid is wearing etc. it’s a great in when chatting to mums.

just be yourself and be cheery. I’ve always found the majority of mums to be lovely. A few that are stand offish but I just smile and nod.

💐 OP it's so tough feeling that way. Have you ever heard of RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria)? I hadn't until a year or so ago. It resonates strongly with me!

I had counselling with a psychologist who genuinely was one of the loveliest, easiest to talk to, most personable people I’ve ever met in my life. In fact, possibly the most. I asked her the same question as you and her answer was that she knew that some people didn’t like her, because your character can’t appeal to everyone, and that’s perfectly fine. I was astounded that anyone could not like her, and also that she accepted that. It made me think that it’s not so bad!

Dita Von Teese has a saying: ‘You can be the ripest, juciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be somebody out there that doesn’t like peaches.’

I guess what they are both saying is that you have to just accept that you can’t possibly get on with everyone and you have to know that it’s perfectly fine and is no reflection on your individual worth: it’s just interpersonal chemistry!

you can never control this so don’t try. It’s better to be respected than liked anyway. Even the most popular people in the world have people not liking them because they make people jealous. Best just be yourself. YOU must like you, no one else matters.

Rejection is really hard to deal with. I've always coped by striving to be the best version of myself as much as possible. I try to be kind and considerate, and hope that people feel valued when they interact with me. Im not perfect but if I know that I am a good person then it's easier to accept that someone disliking me is about them and not about me.

I used to be very anxious that people didn't like me, and saw a counsellor who said that I should remember that people 'own' their reactions. They might be offhand/distant because they are worried about money or something, it probably wasn't anything to do with me as a person. I used to pretend I was Madonna when I was very bad, it did give me confidence.

It's fine when people don't like me or think they don't.
What hurts is when someone you really respect and like doesn't like you.

Sorry half asleep so hope my reply makes sense. I can relate to what you say having also experienced some emotional neglect as a child. Brought up by depressed parents.

I follow someone on Instagram called The Holistic Psychologist and have had many light bulb moments which explain how my upbringing has made me like this- Low self esteem and a people pleaser. I find knowing that it's my upbringing that has led to this makes it easier. I would imagine that others might feel the need to be liked but not to the same extent.

Thanks for all the feedback- amazing! I will have a look at those suggestions.

Part of the issue is we have moved to a new place so we don't know anyone really yet. When we were living in the old town, I felt I was the main one to host, had been for several yeard ans this bothered me, so spent this year not offering to host and didn't have many invitations / friends drifted. So feel already a bit vulnerable from that.

I suppose I want to be friendly and chatty but feel a bit burnt by the casual friendships I thought I had. They couldn't have liked me that much after all!! Without me inviting over for food and wine etc.

I still have a group of old friends from school and uni but we are all dispersed now so will meet with those maybe only 3 times a year.

I think the trick is just to be happy with yourself but I do feel this feeling comes and goes!

I think appearing happy and busy would help at the school gates. So you aren't hanging around waiting to chat you are grabbing the DCs and rushing off to your next exciting event. This imv makes you appear interesting and someone others might want to know rather than a lonely friend seeker.
So ...... find some hobbies that you 'love'.

Thanks @Virginiaplain I've been taking the happy and busy approach but have barely spoken to anyone yet! Lols. I will make a bit more of an effort in the new year.

Not everyone will love you, just like you won't love everyone. Chat to all the mums, and you will find your people. Once your children find friends, you too will hopefully be one friends with their mum's.

Oh I totally get this. In my experience there's no point trying when you're in the paranoid mood so don't beat yourself up about it, just do your thing until you're feeling a bit more resilient. Then if you do get a knock back (or something that feels like one) you won't mind or can think 'rude' rather than that there's something wrong with you.

In the meantime the kids need play dates and you could organise some of those and you might hit it off with someone that way.

Work on assertiveness and self esteem. Read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. Helped me millions and now people actually like me because they know I am being genuine not just being 'nice'