To wonder how to get out of this?

[DeltaMamma]

Multiple siblings are doing a secret Santa. A buys for B. B for C. C for D etc.

I have just discovered that the person buying for me has been landed with an enormous bill and is really under pressure financially. I am not supposed to have been told this by a third party as it was “confidential”.

Now I am very uncomfortable with this person being tasked to buy for me. I don’t want anyone going without their own needs or having sleepless nights for some stupid material present.

Is there some way I can simultaneously save my sibling’s face and stop this person having to buy for me. Sibling is proud and told me they are under pressure but mentioned nothing about this massive bill.

Can I think of some present which only needs to be bought in March/April or some time down the road?

I already bought a gift for another sibling.

Any ideas?

Ps.. sibling is also volatile too and I can do without sibling igniting WW3. I am not the most diplomatic of people.

How about asking for a plant that wouldn’t be suitable till the Spring (assuming you have a garden?)

You are one smart cookie @Marigoldandivy

So it's not quite "secret" in that you know who's buying for you?

I'd go to sibling and say that you're trying really hard to be minimalist and declutter and you're stressed about getting "stuff" from them, but that you're really struggling in some other ways and you'd appreciate instead a gift of some kind of "act of service" - helping you declutter, helping you redecorate, a night of babysitting so you can have a date night, doing the school run one day, something like that...

Ask your sibling for their time rather than for money, basically.

I’d suggest a bag of crocus/spring bulbs or a trip out for coffee/tea at a garden centre in the spring?

I would LOVE some babysitting. I am a single parent with disabled kids and I never get time to myself. And also massively disorganised. That’s a brilliant idea

These are brilliant ideas.

You either:

A) Keep quiet. And just hope your sibling doesn’t go overboard. Their bills and debts aren’t your responsibility.

B) Approach them directly. Tell them you know about their situation and would rather them not spend on you at all or just something very cheap/small

C) Tell all your siblings, together face to face or in a WhatsApp group chat “I know this time of year is tough for everyone, especially with the rising cost of living. So whoever is buying my secret Santa please just get me something small”.

@FlissyPaps I will invariably fuck all of this up and put my size 22s in it.

The amount is for £45 too. I double checked this with everyone and they were all emphatic it was fine. I wish I had gone with my instincts and insisted on a lesser amount.

Well round my way £45 is an evening of babysitting so that works perfectly.

If you don't want to approach sibling directly can you tell another sibling to tell them? "I know it's unconventional but can you tell whoever my secret santa is that I'm absolutely on my knees and really desperate for an evening of babysitting, if they are struggling to think of a good present"

Are you sure this is something you really need to do or could you be (subconsciously) martyring yourself? I’m assuming this sibling is an adult and has a voice of their own, and could speak up for themselves if need be. Sometimes we place ourselves in a role and will find all sorts of interesting ways to perpetuate it - as a single parent with disabled children I’m assuming you don’t get much in the way of treats and presents. So you put yourself in the role of one who doesn’t get anything, indeed doesn’t deserve anything, is prepared to sacrifice their own happiness for someone else’s comfort. The other person might not thank you at all for that - their finances are their own worry and you don’t need to take that worry on. You’re also potentially sacrificing yourself emotionally if they’re volatile, so you could even be giving up your own happiness over Christmas for their benefit. I’m not saying you demand a present from someone who can’t afford one, but I am suggesting you interrogate your own impulse here which is immediately to give something up for yourself to “save” someone else.

Thanks All. I have spoken to sibling X (without disclosing about the big bill) who told me not to be a mug. They pointed out the secret Santa sibling will spend money when it suits and he will going out with friends for big nights out. And I realised this was correct. Secret Secret has very expensive tastes and buys only the best, although has a well paid job. @AtomicBlondeRose you might be on to something. I am going to relax and let them buy me a gift. Last year I had to buy myself a small gift and put it under the tree so this year, I am going to enjoy having an adult buy something nice.

@DeltaMamma i think you do right. Imagine how pissed off you’d feel if you’d given up your present only to find your sibling has been out on the town without a care in the world all Christmas!