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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by this or is this a "nothing" thing?

28 replies

RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 10:55

I met my DH 12 years ago, married for 7 and a half years - 2DCs. My DSis and BIL originally met around the same time I met DH but broke up about four years later for about three years. They got back together, and recently got married and have a DC. All four of us get on well. My DSis has previously (but not recently) expressed concern that I got married so young (early 20s) but not sure if this plays any part. We have 2 DBros - one has been on-and-off with his GF for 6 years but are now expecting a baby, the other has been with his fiancée for one year (no children). DSis and I are the closest of the four of us largely because we live much closer - one DBro has never met any DCs or DN, the other has met my DC1 3 times and my DC2 and DN just once. But there are plenty of messages/phone calls/video calls etc.

My DCs call all my siblings and their partners auntie/uncle except for DBro's fiancée (because they haven't been together long) but we're starting to integrate that now that they're engaged and my youngest (who isn't speaking yet) will know her as Auntie.

My DSis calls everyone DN's auntie/uncle except for my DH. I find it a bit odd, as if it may be an intentional choice to exclude him. DH hasn't mentioned anything but he's very close to DN - we were really struggling with secondary infertility when DN was born and DH spent a lot of time cuddling and playing with him as a result.

Should I raise or let it go? I've been signing things from us as auntie and uncle - should I stop using it too?

OP posts:
IamSmarticus · 16/12/2022 11:09

Well if you are as close to your sister as you say you are, can't you just ask her?

123woop · 16/12/2022 11:24

That is odd!
Everyone has always been "auntie" and "uncle", whether they've been together 50 years or 5 days 🤣 It's so strange - say your DH is called Rob, is there another uncle Rob they don't want her getting confused with???

Original poster
RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 11:35

123woop · 16/12/2022 11:24

That is odd!
Everyone has always been "auntie" and "uncle", whether they've been together 50 years or 5 days 🤣 It's so strange - say your DH is called Rob, is there another uncle Rob they don't want her getting confused with???

No, no others with the same name. Every other partner is an auntie/uncle (on BIL's side too) except my DH. One syllable name so it's not that it would be long or confusing or anything like that.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 16/12/2022 11:37

I'd ask your sister, only real way of knowing.

MangoBiscuit · 16/12/2022 11:42

Perhaps because you were all close as friends before marriage and children happened, calling your DH by his first name is ingrained with your DSis. When they talk in front of their DC, they use his first name, and the child has picked up on that.

I say this as DD1 went through a phase of calling my DM "Mum", rather than Grandma, because that's what she heard me calling her.

AngelontopoftheTree · 16/12/2022 11:47

It does seem strange to me, given that all others are auntie and uncle. But Agree with PPs, just ask her. You don't need to mature it a big deal, the next time she says..... "Go ask Bob...", just say why isn't he uncle Bob?

AngelontopoftheTree · 16/12/2022 11:48

Mature it a big deal = make it a big deal
🙈

TidyDancer · 16/12/2022 11:55

MangoBiscuit · 16/12/2022 11:42

Perhaps because you were all close as friends before marriage and children happened, calling your DH by his first name is ingrained with your DSis. When they talk in front of their DC, they use his first name, and the child has picked up on that.

I say this as DD1 went through a phase of calling my DM "Mum", rather than Grandma, because that's what she heard me calling her.

I think I would ask the question but this was my first thought as well. It can be quite hard to break the habit of calling someone something different. It may well not be a conscious thing she's doing.

mrsm43s · 16/12/2022 11:58

Do you or your DH refer to him as Uncle X or just X when talking to DN? To a point, I would probably take a lead from what people called themselves. I honestly think there's a good chance this is unintentional rather than an intended snub.

burnoutbabe · 16/12/2022 12:02

does she say Auntie YOU and Rob? or are you YOU and Rob.

I don;t get called auntie by my sister, (nor does boyfriend) as it seems such an ancient term, we are just our names to them.

Soakitup37 · 16/12/2022 12:12

Just ask her! It’s prob just the way it’s been phased for so long. I wouldn’t even consider it a big deal in any regards, you’re close and get on, I would just say, how come you don’t refer “rob” as uncle rob?

Natty13 · 16/12/2022 12:16

When you send cards do you put "love from auntie Runnerbum and Rob" or "auntie Runnerbum and uncle Rob"?

What do you address him as in person around DN? "I'm just making the soup at the moment but uncle Rob will get you more juice"

Original poster
RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 12:28

I love her to pieces but DSis often views questions as criticism or insults. For the time being, I'm just wondering if this is indicative of a problem or not - and whether we shouldn't use it if they aren't.

To answer questions - I sign cards and gifts etc from Auntie Runnerbum and Uncle Rob" but not sure if I should stop seeing as she doesn't call him that. Cards to us (Christmas card just arrived which is why I thought of it) are "Auntie Runnerbum and Rob". We weren't "all friends" as such. I'm obviously close with my sister and my DH and her have a normal IL relationship (and so is my relationship with BIL). I'd never socialise with BIL without DSis and she wouldn't socialise with DH without me there. Everyone gets on well but DH is very much DSis' BIL rather than her friend.

OP posts:
sheepdogdelight · 16/12/2022 12:33

I can't say that I would even have noticed this.

I'm assuming their child is non-verbal (and at least non-literate) at the moment? They will likely have their own view on what to call you and DH which will end up taking precedence anyway.

Fizzadora · 16/12/2022 12:46

If your sister is quick to take the hump at any perceived slight, maybe you should just check with your brothers that she really does call their partners auntie before you ask her why she's being such a snotty cow and trying to sideline your DH.
I just wouldn't put up with this sort of snotty behaviour in my family and if they don't like it they can fuck off.
It's an issue that needs resolving because it is making you uncomfortable. I really don't know why you can't just say " Why don't you refer to 'Rob' as uncle when you do it for DB's partners. Don't you feel like he's part of the family?"

tulips27 · 16/12/2022 12:47

What does DN stand for?

juneybean · 16/12/2022 12:49

Given you are married, he is DN Uncle whether she likes it or not. Continue signing as Uncle Rob and don't pay any mind to her.

WineCap · 16/12/2022 12:51

If I was not willing to confront the issue, then I would simply not make the children aware but address all cards in the same format as your DSis, with her DH simply full-named. She may then bring up the issue or review her behaviour.

SheWoreYellow · 16/12/2022 12:58

tulips27 · 16/12/2022 12:47

What does DN stand for?

Dear neice or nephew.

Original poster
RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 13:04

Fizzadora · 16/12/2022 12:46

If your sister is quick to take the hump at any perceived slight, maybe you should just check with your brothers that she really does call their partners auntie before you ask her why she's being such a snotty cow and trying to sideline your DH.
I just wouldn't put up with this sort of snotty behaviour in my family and if they don't like it they can fuck off.
It's an issue that needs resolving because it is making you uncomfortable. I really don't know why you can't just say " Why don't you refer to 'Rob' as uncle when you do it for DB's partners. Don't you feel like he's part of the family?"

She definitely does - I double-checked messages in the group chat and a video for one of their birthdays.

I'll probably have to ask, just looking to get some insight/advice first.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 16/12/2022 13:19

very weird my dh became unc;le straight away im aunty to his families kids-i wo9uld ask her why she doesnt refer to him as uncle rob

SerenaTee · 16/12/2022 13:22

I’d raise it with her, it’s weird. “I’m not sure if you realise but you never refer to Rob as Uncle Rob, just wondering why this is?””

CHRIST0PHERR0BIN · 16/12/2022 13:31

I would ask your Dsis. Clearly theres an issue there and everyone does not get along as you suspected.

Octo5 · 16/12/2022 13:35

Do they call you Aunty?

Myself and siblings, my DC and nieces and nephews all call most of their aunties and Uncles with Aunty/Uncle then their first name.

However, all of us just use the first names for the ones we are really close to.
It’s never been taught like that or brought up and I’ve only just realised it now.
My nieces have never called me Aunty and we’re incredibly close but they’ll call their other aunt Aunty and they’re not as close.

I would continue signing the card from uncle and I’d refer to him as uncle in front of them too.
I would be surprised if she was doing this out of spite as it seems way too petty and silly.

Season0fTheWitch · 16/12/2022 13:47

Can you mention it lightly? or use "Uncle Rob" in person more often? e.g. "Niece, can you pass Uncle Rob that box please?" "Me and Uncle Rob will come over next week"

It's probably that she hasn't thought to change the habit of him being just Rob, maybe with some prompting the kids will use it and she'll catch on too

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