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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have woken him up

22 replies

Jinglebells81 · 15/12/2022 23:43

Hi all, I’m just posting this to ask if I was been unreasonable here.
For the last few weeks I’ve been trying to organise Christmas, in-laws are coming to stay and it’s our first time hosting. My husband was away a lot with work recently and then a weekend away with friends. I used this opportunity to sort presents out for dc and clothes, Santa visits ect.
Im off work this week and he’s heading out again for two nights Christmas party and world cup night but next week we’re both working straight through to Christmas Eve. We agreed we’d try organise the spare room last night as it’s just become a bit of a dumping ground with presents and boxes of crisps and minerals ect. The plan was he’s watch the match then come up and help.
After a while I realised the match was well over and I went down to find him asleep on the couch. I shouted at him told him I was fed up of been left to do everything with no help and how I haven’t asked him to do anything but a week before Christmas I do expect him to pull his weight especially as it’s for his family I’m doing this for.
He now refuses to talk to me unless I apologise for abusing him. Apparently I scared him by shouting at him in his sleep and god knows what I’d do to the children if they fell asleep. I’m really torn here because yes I shouted at him saying I was fed up but on the other hand I can’t be the only wife that ever shouted at her husband before when she’s fed up of doing everything. Aibu

OP posts:

Natty13 · 15/12/2022 23:52

Look we all have a tether and you got to the end of yours.

I'm very hot headed but nowadays have learnt to try to have adult discussions about things that bother me and find practical solutions before I get to that point.

FWIW I do zero hosting when my ILs come to stay. Absolutely zero. My DH does everything I'd do for my parents/siblings coming and more because his side have dietary requirements which need planning around. I have great ILs and a great DH, it's important to me not to end up resenting either of them by doing more than my share. His guests, his effort.

Original poster

Jinglebells81 · 16/12/2022 07:16

Thanks @Natty13 thats how I’m feeling at the moment it’s along the lines of why am I running around doing x y and z whilst you’re watching the football when it’s your family.

OP posts:

HungryandIknowit · 16/12/2022 07:26

Imo YABU for shouting but YANBU for being angry at being left to do everything. Understandable you lost it; in your shoes I would apologise for shouting but ask for an apology for him not pulling his weight and an agreement from him to do his share.

onefedupmum · 16/12/2022 07:28

YANBU it's not like he's working 24/7 he's going out and enjoying himself and leaving you to it all.

I would say "If you don't help me today, then you need to cancel your family coming to stay and you can explain to them exactly why."

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/12/2022 07:31

I'd cancel the visit. "So sorry, but DH has been too busy to properly prepare. All the best for a happy Christmas."

Blanca87 · 16/12/2022 07:34

tell him you are stopping doing anything else, he is piss taking and deflecting, hoping you will feel guilty and go back doing everything. If the kids presents are sorted you are all good you don’t need to worry about anything else.

UseAMuckySock · 16/12/2022 07:36

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/12/2022 07:31

I'd cancel the visit. "So sorry, but DH has been too busy to properly prepare. All the best for a happy Christmas."

Yes! I’d do this, put the responsibly of it back into him and stop being a doormat.

Hallmark1234 · 16/12/2022 07:38

Don't martyr yourself! Just tell him you've had enough of doing everything for HIS family, while he still gets to go on his jollies and does nothing to help you prepare, then down tools and tell him he can do the rest.

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 16/12/2022 07:39

Tell him to cancel his parents.

liarliarshortsonfire · 16/12/2022 07:41

Hallmark1234 · 16/12/2022 07:38

This with bells on it

liarliarshortsonfire · 16/12/2022 07:43

I think I'd say to him

'Dear DH, I apologise for shouting, but I don't apologise for the content, I stand by what I said. From now onwards I won't be doing any further preparation for your parents visit, that's on you. I've done my fair share' then down tools. If there is no turkey or sprouts for dinner as he's forgotten, or no where for your IL to sleep that's up to him to sort out. Just tell your IL that your DH didn't have time to sort it

Triffid1 · 16/12/2022 07:44

AAAH, the classic "you did one bad thing so now I don't have to take responsibility for my actions" move. I know it well.

Tell him you will apologise for giving him a fright when he apologises for expecting you to do it all.

But he sounds.awful. away on jollies constantly while you are doing everything at home. Ick.

Runnerduck34 · 16/12/2022 07:50

He's deflecting and of course you wouldn't shout at DC in their sleep.
You're exhausted and he's not pulling his weight
Apologise for shouting at him but it would also be fair for him to apologise to you for not doing any of the prep.
Kids presents are done, that's the important bit, DH can clear the room, help if you like but don't start without him.
If he doesn't do it then he can explain to his parents he didn't have time.

Allschoolsareartschools · 16/12/2022 07:54

AAAH, the classic "you did one bad thing so now I don't have to take responsibility for my actions" move. I know it well.
Yes, had something very similar on Tues. He's still walking round with a very self righteous air.
I'm doing my very best to leave him to it. I've been a Christmas Martyr for too long buying & wrapping & usually being the one to exchange sodding presents with his family.
The idea of him doing the same for me? Simply wouldn't happen.

Cheesecheeserson · 16/12/2022 07:58

HungryandIknowit · 16/12/2022 07:26

I agree. Same view.

jannier · 16/12/2022 08:10

Give him a list of jobs needing to be done for Christmas ...everything....with all the ones you've done crossed off and tell him the rest is his including the room then let him explain why there's nowhere to sleep....working away is one thing lots of nights out, football sessions and zero help is wrong

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/12/2022 08:12

Look up gaslighting and re-evaluate your marriage.

xogossipgirlxo · 16/12/2022 08:14

Well, you were bit U shouting at him, but waking him up to finally help you NBU at all.

FermisLeftFoot · 16/12/2022 08:17

He sounds like a real dick i’m afraid. Leaving you to sort everything while he has social time and then accusing you of abuse for shouting? Honestly i’d just say he can do the rest now in terms of prep and hosting and you go and have a rest.

frazzledasarock · 16/12/2022 08:18

Can you take your kids to your parents for Christmas?

I would do absolutely nothing further, if he hasn’t organised anything by Friday I’d put kids and every single gift I bought in the car and go to my own family. He can host his family.

and I wouldn’t apologise for shouting either. He can whistle for an apology, he was the one who was leaving you to sort out everything whilst he literally sits on his arse doing absolutely nothing.

Iwanttoslowdown · 16/12/2022 08:19

Do you want to host the ILs anyway? It’s stressing you out ur carrying the load - it won’t stop over Christmas and you’ll be exhausted and set the precedent of doing everything. Cancel it.

FermisLeftFoot · 16/12/2022 08:20

Also, why is it World Cup night? Both the third place match and the final are being held at 3pm respectively on Sat and Sun. So why is he off out for the evening - I aside Saturday night? Only the third place match will have taken place by then. A long-standing and active Croatia / Morocco supporter is he???

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