To think that ‘you do for family’!

[Hiphopopotamus]

(Thread title inspired by The Middle of anyone is a fan)

Not so much a TAAT but a thread off the back of many threads, particularly as we’re getting closer to Christmas.

AIBU to think that you put yourself out
sometimes for family? I’ve seen so many threads where the OP has something that they don’t particularly want to do with family or aren’t looking forward to or wouldn’t be their ideal situation. And so many replies backing up the idea that no one should have to do anything they don’t want to do. No is a complete sentence and the most important thing is to do what makes them happy.

But this happiness surely comes at the detriment of your family member that you’re refusing to have round for Christmas/having to stay over sometimes/talking to on the phone when you don’t feel like it/helping out with a favour. It just feels so utterly selfish and self serving to me. In my view you should take the time to help family out, look after the older and more vulnerable members of it and just sometimes put the needs of others before the wants of your own. Especially as it may one day be you relying on the kindness and good will of the people around you! But this view is so often shut down on here with the OP being called a doormat or a push over.

DISCLAIMER: I am talking about situations where there is no abusive relationship, either past or present. That changes things completely and is a whole other situation.

But AIBU here? It just makes me sad to see.

Agree to an extent but I think there needs to be a degree of reciprocity there. I would go out of my way to help my parents, brother or inlaws and many of my friends but most of them would do same for me. In some families or friendship groups it can be a bit of a one way street and I think it’s ok if those around you are all selfish to sometimes just do what suits you in case of family or find some new friends if it’s that.

Why the blame being laid at the person being asked to 'put themselves out'? Why should the asker of the favour not put others before themselves? I think you'll find that on the threads you mention one side, usually the favour asker/self inviter/expecting phonecaller is the one always wanting things done for them and its NEVER reciprocal, which is what prompts the thread!

But I've been on here a long time and not seen this?
There is usually some issue or back story!

I think if all's well, most people can and do put themselves out every now and then.

It's when it's a regular occurrence or an entitlement or some sort of toxicity is involved, that's when it becomes a problem.

I can't imagine asking someone to put themselves out for me, not to mention expecting it like I'm entitled to it. Not even in desperate times.

I'd much rather people offered what they comfortably, willingly and happily can.

You’re either surrounded by very reasonable people or you’re a doormat. There are no prizes for putting yourself last, it’s a mugs game.

So many of the threads are along the lines of
"AIBU to have Christmas the way I would like it for the first time in 20 years?"
Or
"AIBU to tell her to sort her own transport out as I'm done ferrying her around for free and being taken for granted?"
Or
"AIBU to say I won't be cooking and running around when his family come to stay for 3 weeks over Christmas when my only day off is Christmas day and I have 1 year old triplets?"

YABU to think anyone has to spend their whole lives as if they are the least important person in them.

I think the reciprocity is key.
In some families everyone chips in and helps each other out and do no one feels resentful or taken advantage of.
In other families there's often one person who gets put upon. Or there are rude, demanding family members who constantly take the piss. Some relatives can be very selfish and so long as they are getting what they want, they are quite happy to throw others under the bus to facilitate it.

It's okay to tell people who are used to being walked all over, that it's okay to start putting themselves first - that their wants and needs are just as important.

I don't agree. I like to help out when possible, but you shouldn't always help out just because it's family.
BIL sees people for how much he can get out of them, people don't take lifts from him, for example, because a taxi is cheaper! Same BIL will also milk you for all you're worth if you do the slightest favour for him as barely anyone will now, as he'll take advantage - his own parents refuse outright to help him outside of dire emergencies.
My side of the family, and DP, will help out when needed and it's reciprocated by everyone. The rest of DP's side, with the exception of 2 family members, expect help and to be pandered to, but almost visibly sweat while thinking up an excuse if they think you're going to ask for help.