Pumping & Expressing - To Tell DH I Don't Want to Hear It?

[BFPDec21]

I'm triple feeding - breastfeeding, small amount of formula and pumping when possible and feeding our baby that in place of a supplement where I can. He was slow with gaining weight previously. The aim is to get rid of the formula and top up with expressed milk or just breastfeed. It's been an uphill struggle but we're so near to getting there.

DS is 4 months old, quite a sleepy baby by nature but alert and still likes to play for a short period. I'll add he's going through a sleep regression and I'm rolling with the punches.

DH said to me the other day, "I read that babies get hormones from milk at certain times a day, some make him sleepy and some wake him up so if you are pumping during the night, when you feed him that milk and give it to him it'll make him sleepy during the day". I shrugged it off and said many women pump and do the same. What about their babies?

So then today he's sent me an article saying mums should give their baby pumped milk at the same time of day that it's pumped and said "told you". Maybe that's consensus and people already know that but I'm having to pump during the early hours because DH is falling asleep when he does a feed during the evening.

I'm on maternity leave and spend all day with DS, sometimes end up doing most of his care day and night as we have an older child. Then pumping on top of it whenever I can fit it in. I said to DH that maybe scientists should just give mums a bloody break and what is in his formula is worse than some sleep inducing breast milk (it is as he's on a prescribed formula and the ingredients aren't great but he needs it because the supplements have since impacted my supply so we can't do much about it at the moment).

DH then asks why his formula is bad and I've lost it with him.

AIBU to have snapped?

Just realised my title doesn't make any sense but I'm TIRED!

When I say DS is sleepy, he wakes for feeds every 2.5/3 hours a night still and won't ever miss his milk during the day.

Don't dump your milk it's good stuff and I'd ignore the 'sleepy' periods aswel I exclusively breastfed 3 babies and they always had a little snooze after a fee's coz they had full tums.

Tell your dh that when he's the one doing the breastfeeding or pumping, then he can do what he likes with his milk. Until then, he needs to keep his nose out!

Although, to be fair, it's quite nice that he's taking an interest, I suppose! 🤷🏻‍♀️

It might be accurate scientifically but that doesn't mean it's helpful or worthwhile trying to replicate at home with your expressed milk. If your DH is that bothered then he can be in charge of keeping track of the times and dates of the expressed milk, and in charge of feeding it too.

It sounds like you're understandably very tired, and ill thought out comments from your DH are not going to be appreciated at the moment.

Mine were sleepy feeders. I had to strip them down to their nappies then keep popping them onto changing mat to wake them up when the dozed off. Only way I could get them to do full feeds

Pumping is hard op so hats off to you for persevering. Just make sure you don't put it above your own physical and mental health, speaking as someone who exclusively pumped for 7+months, it's a hard old slog. That being said I never quite got there with my baby so sounds like you are on your way.

And please don't dump any milk! That is more than just milk that is time you have invested and pumping isn't exactly a picnic. I used to cry just tipping dregs away. Can't imagine what dumping a pump would feel like.

yanbu - your DH needs to back off. what you are doing is hard enough without him taking on some kind of unnecessary supervisory/management role. obviously he wants to contribute because he loves you and he loves your baby and he wants to feel useful, but reading random articles and then telling you what xxx random reckons that you are doing wrong is not actually a helpful contribution. he needs to let you take the lead on feeding because it's your body and you are the only one who can judge what's going to work best to ensure your baby gets fed from whatever source. Maybe the two of you could discuss whether there's some other non-feeding aspect of baby care that he could take more of a lead on, so that the two of you are sharing the parenthood decisions and responsibilities more evenly and equally overall?

It's very stressful. Been there, got the milk soaked t-shirt. I have heard night milk has slightly different hormones so it's worth considering. But I think it's up to you as the person who is having to manage this to do it in the way that you feel suits. Not sure I would have appreciated DH having 'told you so' input when feeding was my equivalent of a full time job (exclusive express feeding as DS wouldn't breast feed). I think DH is best placed supporting you in any way he can rather than (it seems) undermining you.

I do also think that I was a bit closed to any suggestions (sleep deprived and desperate to just give breast milk) and maybe I should have been more open to other things especially formula as I was pretty much spent. But i think it was some great force of mothers instinct that made me dismissive of other views. Not saying that's right or wrong but worth recognising.

I exclusively expressed for a year.

For at least 4 months DD had night milk in the day and day milk in the night (on purpose). She slept midnight till noon either way. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I fed my baby on exclusively pumped milk to start with, before she learned to latch. I fed her the milk in the order it was put in the fridge, and I made more than she drank so she drank milk pumped at different times. Believe me, it did not make her any sleepier. Your DH needs to wind his neck in.

I mean... Does it matter if it makes him sleepy in the day? He's a baby. They nap.

Again with the more alert at night... Is it really noticeable? It's not like you're giving him Jammy Dodgers.

But what's wrong with formula ingredients? 😳

You seem to be very scathing about formula. You must be exhausted. Feeding your baby should not be a source of stress to you whether it is formula or breast.

Before this turns into a breast v formula thing, I think the op is just a little upset she's doing her best breastfeeding and husband is trying to say oh just give a formula, I'm not saying formula I'd bad but she's breastfeeding and using a little formula to top up I think she's feeling a little unappreciated in her work!

Yes breastmilk has differing hormones in it. In a perfect world you would label and only … no scratch that your husband is being a dick. Given you are triple feeding he should literally be only saying things like “you are a goddess, do you need another teas, can a make you an extra snack plate for during the day”.

It is genuinely perfectly 100 % fine to use which every breastmilk you have on hand when ever you have it on hand. Triple feeding for 4 months is beyond amazing.

YANBU to tell him that your baby can be fed any breast milk at any time.

YABU to imply there is something wrong with formula.

Anyway in a couple of months your baby will start eating solids. Maybe let your 'D'H feed baby all weekend meal times and anytime he's around in the day since he's so clued up on feeding babies.

I fed by baby expressed milk exclusively until he was 6 months, and it didn't make a jot of difference which milk I gave him from what time. I also donated quite a few litres and the milk bank didn't give a shit either as long as I'd been following hygiene rules.

It's really not something to worry about and it's unfair on your husband to be putting extra pressure on you. Expressing and looking after a baby is an absolute drag and you're doing brilliantly, so carry on as you are!

YABU. He’s right. Just write on the bags the time it was expressed and give night milk at night and day during the day.

There is nothing at all wrong with formula! The ingredients in the formula we have aren't great, it's hypoallergenic and a majority of that is obviously synthetic ingredients. If I couldn't breastfeed that's all he'd be on though and I'm very fed is best. My first was combi fed.

Yes @OnceAgainWithFeeling, it's the midnight until noon he's on about but he doesn't realise that it only started a few weeks ago. I used to be up with him at 6.30am and he'd be playing after I changed him and got him ready.

I pumped for months for my second baby and it’s hard bloody work - wel done you. If my husband had said this to me I would have gone a bit mental at him.

I would tell him to back off and give you a break, his input on this is irrelevant because it’s not possible for him to understand firstly the effort and secondly the way that this nitpicking is making you feel. Even if he is well meaning, he needs to understand he isn’t being helpful.

sorry this is hard for you hope he starts being a bit more supportive x

You're tired, your baby is going thrush a sorry regression, and he's been researching things that might be worth trying to help. It's irritating you, but at least he's not just saying 'not my problem', but it's trying to do research.

Whether it 'works', who knows, but it's not scientists finding another stick to beat women with, it's biology not giving a damn about our sleep.

I think you are also being unfairly scathing about formula - I think you see it as an enemy to be vanquished. A reminder of your struggles, rather than a perfectly good alternative food which can give you the opportunity of some rest. Use it, don't use it, your call, but it sounds like you husband is trying to make things better, and I dont criticise him for that, however annoying it might be when sleep deprived.

Glad to see everyone else already has this! Obviously YANBU

You’re doing really well - congratulations! It’s very hard work.

Applying the benefit of doubt, perhaps your DH believes he is trying to help….

One clear conversation needed letting him know

Its rarely helpful to provide amorphous, blanket information to someone very tired and stressed - even if the info is pertinent and vitally important (clue: this isn’t) and “told you”?!?!?! Bloody hell!

Many, many women pump and give pumped milk whenever milk is needed (I did for 2 babies) and it has zero effect on sleepy/wakeful baby. Your baby sounds average on that scale anyway - unless there’s a massive drop feed there’s no cause for concern in his body clock.

There is indeed a scientific basis for what he has read, but scienctofoc studies do not always help directly with real life - and it doesn’t get more real than trying to keep your baby well fed (by whatever means anyone chooses).

Even if the timing of pumped milk were to have an effect, if you’re prepared to deal with feeding wakeful/sleepy baby at whatever inconvenient times of day, then the benefit to the baby outweighs any small and temporary disadvantage to your schedules.

In addition, as you are persevering with BF, backseat driving is not going to help you or your child - nor your relationship.

These are most recent BF stats for UK from Unicef

• Exclusive breastfeeding at four months: 12% (up from 7% in 2005)
• Exclusive breastfeeding at six months (as recommended by the World Health Organization) remained at around 1%

in addition:

• increasing the number of babies who are breastfed could cut the incidence of common childhood illnesses such as ear, chest and gut infections and save the NHS up to £50 million each year.

Lack of support is a massive reason for low BF rates. Request that he becomes part of the solution in your household - and not the cause of the problem.

Through A sleep regression, nothing to do with thrush...

Sorry

Is it possible he was trying to give you the information to be helpful. Like he is trying to be supportive and suggest things that might help baby sleep better at night and therefore you get more sleep too?

My husband did lots of research and made lots of suggestions that in my sleep deprived state I took badly. But he genuinely thought he was being helpful by doing some research. I wonder if your DH is just trying to be as involved as possible as he knows he can't do the actual pumping or breastfeeding for you.

I should have said, because this is a massive drip feed. I supplement late afternoon before a nap and during the night. So if I'm pumping during the night to give the milk to give DS during the night or before 1 nap in the late afternoon, what issue could it be causing?

I also don't pump more than once during the day because there's no time.

• These are most recent BF stats for UK from Unicef

Exclusive breastfeeding at four months: 12% (up from 7% in 2005)
Exclusive breastfeeding at six months (as recommended by the World Health Organization) remained at around 1%*

The reason those rates are so low, is because they set the bar so high for exclusive breastfeeding. A single top up, the smallest amount of mix feeding, starting weaning the day before 6m, boots you out of that statistic forever.

Myself and many of my friends have breastfed well into toddlerhood. Maybe (and its a maybe) one would have made it to the 1% statistic, even though they were all essentially breastfed babies. One gave a single bottle on night 3, then bf for 3y. One bf for 2 years, but baby had emergency formula when mum had a medical emergency. Two topped up on medical advice, before being able to drop it (and continue for years). One weaned early on medical advice. I tried mix feeding, baby refused and bar the odd attempt (which never resulted in more than 1/2 an ounce going in), was fully bf from 2 weeks, and I stopped when she was 2.5. All these babies had 95-99.9% of their milk as human milk. They were essentially EBF babies. All of us were regarded as part of the UK's failing to breastfeed.