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Original poster

Trusting him

21 replies

ohgoshh · 15/12/2022 16:24

Hello

I have been seeing a lovely man since March this year - well we spoke in March for 2 months and then started dating in May 2022.

I don't know why but I dont trust him.

He is a bit older and in the past, he has told me that about 15 years ago he has visited stripclub (had a few dances), he has had a few one night stands when he was in his early 20s, and he also had a threesome too.

He doesnt have kids (neither do I) and he has a failed marriage. She left him, very early on as she met someone new (she shortly had a child straight after). He has told me that he loves me, which I do believe, and that he has never been so sure about anything in his life. He said he married his ex wife as it was expected (although, he said he thought she was the one), but never wanted to marry anyone else (current ex, who he was with for 7 years, included), but he wants to marry me. He has apologised for saying all of this, said that it is probably too soon and he shoudnt say but he can't help how he feels, and he knows that I am the person he has always wanted and it makes sense why it didnt work with anyone else etc. etc.

But, I have this gut instinct that he is going to hurt me. From what he has told me, I feel that he was a bit of a lad when he was younger and I dont want that. He has assured me he is not a lad, at all, and never has been. He said I shouldnt judge him for his past as all that stuff happened years and years ago - when he was a single 20/early 30 year old.

He went on holiday with his friend a few months back his friends dad lives in France and he sometimes joins his friend and visits. He assured me to no end that he loves me, will never hurt me or ever cheat on me. He says it hurts him when I dont trust him as he has never given me a reason not to. But I cant get a situation out of my head. He texted me alot on the trip - good morning texts, updates with what he was doing, and lots of texts in the evening. I told him I didnt trust him and that he would probably cheat on me. I then stopped replying and went to sleep. I woke up that morning to a text from him, hours later. telling me that I've hurt him by saying I dont trust him and because I say these things then stop replying. He said he loves me and "pushed away" a french girls advances. The next morning, he said that two french girls started chatting to him and his friend for a few minutes and asked if they wanted to go somewhere else for a drink, he didnt know if they were inviting them to a party or back to their house as they were speaking in french mostly, and he isnt fluent, unlike his friend. He said he told his friend he wasnt interested and showed them a picture of me and him and said no, thanks. I asked why he used the term "pushed away" advances, that sounds like a kiss, he said it was a conversation which lasted minutes. He said I had hurt him, and he used that term to make me jealous, he used it flipantly.

He is now travelling down South to meet up with his friends tomorrow (big group of around 15 of them) who he rarely sees as he moved up North years ago. He is staying in a hotel and they are starting very early tomorrow. He has promised me, upon my request, that he doesnt go to any strip bars. He has found this funny as he said its not something they do and last time was probably 10 years ago, He promised. He said he wouldnt find any harm going to one for a drink (but nothing else as he would see a lapdance as cheating) but promised he wont go to one at all, if it is suggested, he said he will not be interested and will never breaking a promise to me.

I told him last night that I have a gut feeling that something isnt right and that he will seriously hurt me one day. He said I am doing that to myself by overthinking things and assuming things wrongly. He said he would be devastated if I ever broke up with him, and that he can't wait for our first christmas together. I told him I wanted to not talk to him for a bit. He said fine and that he might not go see his friends as he was too upset. I told him not to go and not to be a martyr and see them.
He has texted me today saying good morning and telling me that he misses me. He then said he was about to leave to go down south and asked if he should not contact me and wait for me to contact him, since I clearly dont want to talk to him. I asked why he had said that and he said that he wants to talk to me but I am ignoring him, and he doesnt know what to do.

I dont know what to do :(

Do you think there was anything more with that French girl??

Do you think him and his friends will go to a strip club? I've told him its a deal breaker for me, and I would dump him if he did, he promised me he wouldnt.

I need some advice, asap!!

x

OP posts:
MintJulia · 15/12/2022 16:29

For goodness sake, you need to make a decision. Stop torturing yourself. Personally I would trust my gut instinct, it exists for a reason.

How much older is he? Have you met his friends? What are they like?

Original poster
ohgoshh · 15/12/2022 16:30

I havent met his friends as they are all down South. I have met his sister and was due to meet his mum and dad last week but had to cancel.

OP posts:
curiositydoll · 15/12/2022 16:32

Bloody hell op, I had several ONS in my 20s and also went to a strip club.

I've never cheated on anyone in my life!

You're hugely self-sabotaging here. You need to either trust him or let the poor chap go.

You sound very paranoid and suspicious.

Original poster
ohgoshh · 15/12/2022 16:36

But what do you think happened with the French girl??

OP posts:
ColdAndSuch · 15/12/2022 16:41

Christ, OP. I don’t think anything happened but clearly you’re not comfortable or feeling secure in this relationship. It doesn’t sound healthy, for either of you.

Tiger2018 · 15/12/2022 16:41

This behaviour is going to drive your relationship to its only conclusion - ending. He's told you he cares about you, he's trusted you enough to share his past, warts and all and now you are latching onto that past behaviour and expecting him to let you down.

Either end it or start believing him - it's really that simple.

pallidbat · 15/12/2022 16:41

You do sound paranoid, and telling him you don't trust him and think he's going to cheat on you is going to hurt him, of course it will. He's told you he had some one night stands, that doesn't make him a cheat at all.

But to be fair telling you "oh well this woman was coming on to me but I pushed her away and showed her your picture" is a bit of a dick move. Unnecessary, could come off as a boast or designed to make you feel more insecure.

Basically it's impossible for us to know either way, but I'd you're torturing yourself and constantly thinking he's on the verge of cheating you're probably better off out of it. Not healthy for you.

OtterInABox · 15/12/2022 16:42

You're always posting about this bloke

What different responses are you looking for?

Allybob88 · 15/12/2022 16:43

How old are you? You sound about 16! That's probably an insult to 16 year olds who manage more grown up relationships than this.

You are seriously self sabotaging, the only person unreasonable here is you and I am surprised the poor bloke has stuck around this long with you playing silly games.

What do I think happened with the French girl? Sod all, she probably didn't even exist and he has been forced into making this story up to try and prove you can trust him because you went to bed in a sulk and refused to reply to him like a petulant child.

Original poster
ohgoshh · 15/12/2022 16:45

People think I am not being unreasonable - you wouldnt trust him either, then??

OP posts:
Ringmaster27 · 15/12/2022 16:46

Speaking from experience: trust your gut.
Your gut is telling you that you don’t trust this man, listen to it.
I spent best part of a year with a man who consistently showed me hints of red flags to do with his past, past relationships, current issues etc and I ignored them. He fully love bombed me, said all the right things, the sex was possibly the best I’ve ever had…so I continued to ignore the niggles.
Then the niggles became big problems - problems from his past resurfacing that then became my problem. I found myself utterly heartbroken.
Listen to your instincts and save yourself the heartbreak.

pallidbat · 15/12/2022 16:48

It's possible that all that happened was what he said, some woman approached him but he turned her down. So he'd be going over the top to reassure you that he's not going to cheat, because he had the opportunity and passed it up. It's a very clumsy way to go about it though, if it's unintentional, there are far better ways.

It's equally possible that he's a twat and he's trying to make you insecure by bringing it up, kind of "keep me happy or I'll go and shag someone else, it's not like I'm short of options".

We have no way of knowing and neither do you.

Heyahun · 15/12/2022 17:05

It doesn’t matter about his past ! People change - they grow up etc

im totally different to how I was in my 20s (I was totally wild tbh)

you are slipping into controlling territory already just a few months in

you can’t tell him what to do and you can’t change peoples pasts

he’s done nothing yet you are essentially asking him to prove himself trustworthy? And telling him what he can and can’t do on a weekend away

Just end it - it’s not gonna work - honestly it shouldn’t be so hard this early in

moose62 · 15/12/2022 17:10

I think you are self sabotaging and perhaps he will never be able to earn your trust. It is probably better if he walked away then spent all his time trying to appease you.

curiositydoll · 15/12/2022 17:12

ohgoshh · 15/12/2022 16:36

But what do you think happened with the French girl??

Probably nothing. He said he spoke to her and told her he wasn't interested.

It sounds like you should end this relationship and seek some therapy for yourself.

LatestUserName · 15/12/2022 17:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Stressedmum2017 · 15/12/2022 17:29

Wow Erm what he did in his past is pretty tame 🤣 I've done worse than that. You sound quite naive and sheltered. That being said I am a firm believer in trusting your gut, maybe you should just be single until you find someone meek enough that you can trust them.
As for the French girl not sure why he would even tell you all that unless he just likes the drama.

MRSDoos · 15/12/2022 17:29

It sounds like you’re going to ruin this relationship with your trust issues and paranoia. You’re driving yourself mad!

I was definitely not a virgin when I met my (now) husband. I used to party a lot, have one night stands and go on dates frequently, had a few previous exes. DH was a virgin who had never dated anyone before. We’ve been together 5 years and I’ve ever once cheated on him, flirted with someone else or anything like that.

Your partners past means nothing. You shouldn’t be so concerned. I mean this nicely but bluntly, he hasn’t done any of this stuff for years. Years before he knew of your existence. Your partner is going to get fed up of your trust issues eventually and you are going to end up losing him.

I can’t lie I would of probably dumped my partner if he mentioned things I did in the past “oh but 3 years ago you went to the pub and kissed/slept with a guy” are you sure you won’t cheat on me if you go to the pub? It would drive me insane.

I think if you can’t sort out your trust issues and stop this then you should break up with your partner and work on yourself before getting into a relationship. Is it possible that you have been hurt before? Because this can be a reason why some men/woman develop trust issues

Hope it all works out for you x

ExtraOnions · 15/12/2022 17:37

I had loads of Stuff ONS in my 20s … it was a decade of sex & drugs & rock & roll (I call it my hedonistic period)

Been with my husband for 20 years …and I love him to pieces.

You are self-sabotaging, and I think you need to work out why. He’s done nothing, and told you someone was flirting with him, and he told them he wasn’t interested.

We all have a past, and that’s exactly what it is .. the past. You seem to have huge trust issues, and maybe need to work on this before getting into a relationship

KettrickenSmiled · 16/12/2022 14:36

ohgoshh · 15/12/2022 16:36

But what do you think happened with the French girl??

I expect he painted her, like he paints all his French girls OP.

KrisAkabusi · 16/12/2022 14:46

ohgoshh · 15/12/2022 16:45

People think I am not being unreasonable - you wouldnt trust him either, then??

FFS! 91% of people think you are being unreasonable, but you're latching on to the few that agree with you!

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