To feel apprehensive about living alone?

[SnowyPheasants]

End of long term relationship, still friends but awkward and painful, will be looking to find new place in January. Unfortunately I currently live with him, and whilst it isn't abusive, friendly enough but sour. I did my best, tried for 7 years, but no intimacy, and he stopped communicating a long time ago. We finally had the talk a few days ago and decided to end it, even though we have known for a good while.

So no jolly, cozy xmas for us this year, but am fine with moving on.

I used to live alone, on and off and loved it, but in the past decade so many of my loved ones have passed away - my parents, my close friend, my aunt, my pup. Remaining friends have either moved overseas or to the middle of nowhere. It is like an entire universe of love has disappeared. I am nearly 50 and have to create a brand new start, build everything up again (not married/no children), as have been cut off from the world for so long. I work from home, so can move anywhere, within reason.

But I am so apprehensive about being alone. I love my own company but it's the practical things, knowing someone is there, just around the house, someone being there if something is wrong, chattering on and off throughout the day/evening.

Anyone been through this and had to start from zero, alone? It could be seen as empowering or terrifying, right now I am a mix of both. I am trying to work on my courage. I am a strong person, but this is such a big change..

Any tips on how to steel myself and lose the fear? Do you get used to it? Will I be safe, or is it just the shock talking? People say join this, do that, but making new friendships is a process and can't be done overnight. It is the 'overnight' phase I am apprehensive about!
It is like a cold dread, to just begin again with my family gone, my entire support network a thing of the past. My ex is ok, he will always help me, but it is scary.

Any positive stories of moving forward like this? I love the idea of being my own boss and changing my world, but it feels terrifying right now.

Hi op, I lived alone for about 4 years before I got married. I now live with my husband but he works away a lot so it's just me in the house, we got a cat at the start of the year and the weeks when I'm on my own I just sit and talk to the cat all day. He's a very good listener 😊
I also have an aunt who has lived on her own for 30 years, apart from us going to visit once a week she's always on her own in the house unless she's at her work. She also got a cat this year and has also said it's great having that company. Could this be an option for you?
Totally get how intimidating it is that everything is your responsibility and how scary it is being self reliant but once you get used to doing everything your way you'll wonder how you ever lived with anyone else.

Thank you, that is encouraging. I had a cat for 17 years, and would love one again someday, but must wait until my life is settled. I suppose I am in the position where I will have to meet new people, and whilst that's probably a good thing generally, it feels insurmountable at the moment!

I've lived alone for almost 30 years now, and don't think I could cope with sharing my home with a person! I can do what I want, when I want, watch what I want on TV, eat what & when I like.

I have 2 cats now, but they only arrived here 6 or so years ago, and they are good company; a dog would be good for many people as they make you go out & about to walk them (arthritis means walking a dog would be too painful some days for me). I chat to my neighbours, one texted me the other day to check I was OK as she hadn't seen me recently and the car was there most of the time. We also all keep an eye on each other's houses if someone is going away etc. I spent a fair amount of time on the phone to friends & family as they mostly live a fair way away, and use social media a bit too.

Unless you go to live in the middle of nowhere physical security shouldn't be a problem, just make sure you have decent locks on windows or doors and a decent alarm. That's another advantage of a dog too, instant alarm.

When I first started living alone, I used to make sure I had something for self defence near to hand but I don't bother now & haven't for many years.

So in summary, just take standard precautions and you should be fine 😀. Yes it will take some getting used to, but in the end you'll probably grow to prefer it.

I have an acquaintance who reminds me of you, and in many ways it makes me think about how so many of us follow the prescription life and simply presume we will live with someone forever....i love to hear about women who live alone, even when in a relationship, if only it was more affordable! (I will have to rent for a good while).

I have to see this as a beginning and move from the ground up.

Oddest thing is I wonder about being ill, and whilst i am generally well, i have this horror of being ill alone, possibly due to losing many family members in a shortish time. I do suppose I will eventually build a small circle of people who care. I hope.

Hi OP, I am mid 50s and have been living alone since my DH died suddenly four years ago. My DPs have also passed away and I have no children. Some of my friends have also moved away but take that as an opportunity to visit them from time to time!

I will say it hasn’t been easy, but I do like living alone now. I too had that fear of not having someone who ‘had my back’, but a friend at the time who had lived alone for a long time pointed out that there’s a solution for pretty much all situations and that’s how it’s turned out.

On a practical level:

• make sure you have a spare key carefully and securely hidden somewhere as if you lock yourself out, there’s no-one to let you in.
• have car breakdown insurance that gets you home/to your destination and the car to a garage (I have needed this!)
• keep stocks of basic food and medicines in the house at all times
• make sure you are on your neighbourhood WhatsApp group/Facebook group, there’s always a kind soul who will help out if you are stuck, even strangers in the local area can be willing to help.
• use the groups to find good tradespeople and cultivate a relationship with them

On an emotional level:

• have a routine that gives you some structure to your week that allows for social interaction. It can be phoning a friend regularly (not necessarily the same friend every week, but perhaps have a list that you rotate that keeps you in touch with your friends every few weeks but you get to speak to a friend each week).
• say ‘yes’ to invitations you don’t really fancy. 9/10 you will enjoy yourself
• treat social interaction as a job. You need to be continually investing in your network, making sure you keep in touch/visit old friends whilst cultivating new ones through activities. This never stops as people do move away
• make your new home yours, have it how you want it and inject your personality, do things you like with it that your partner may not have liked

Good luck OP!

Could you find a small development of houses/flats where ppl are likely to know/say hello to each other? As you say, friendships take time but familiar, regular faces are a good start.

I've lived on my own for decades and work from home. I moved to my current flat in a small estate which has a few shops downstairs aged 43. If you're in a block, there's bound to be someone you get on with there. Both residential and commercial neighbours take in parcels for me etc, and I feed a neighbour's cat when they're away. I'm not close with every single person, but there are always people to interact with.

I had to start living alone for the first time when I was a bit younger than you when my 27 year marriage broke down. It was a daunting prospect and I didn't have a support network either.

I love it now and I'm sure you'll build support networks as I have and will grow into the experience. No way would I live with anyone else again now.

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight This is such a helpful comment, thank you for taking the time to write it out! These suggestions are excellent. I am sorry to hear of your losses too
It is definitely the 'emotional' that bothers me more, I am so used to having people previously and this feels stark. I see what you mean about social interaction 'as a job'. Yes, indeed.

@civetcat Great idea, I currently live with him in his house so sadly no co ownership (he inherited it). It is literally falling down, and is dated in a bad way. It is like a hoarder's house and I am ashamed of people visiting. feels awful to admit that but I long ago gave up trying to make it a home - it's like he resisted anything nice.

I loved it, I miss living alone I lived alone for 6 years now live with my children (no partner) and often miss living alone!

I second the idea of small blocks or developments of flats. You will find you see faces regularly and a bit of chat will come naturally which can be the start of a friendship.
Also, I know you say you’re not keen in joining things be is there something you’d enjoy - maybe a previous interest you could go back to? Or some kind of volunteering in whatever is going on in your new area?

I've lived alone (with my daughter) since my marriage broke up seven years ago and its been bloody brilliant.

Most of the benefits or cohabitation are vastly overstated. For me the nice elements of it faded when the honeymoon period ended and most of the time I just felt resentful in a number of ways, doing far more than my share on the domestic front, dealing with someone who wouldn't communicate and wasn't interested in me, dealing with someone else's shit taste and irritating habits, living with someone who basically didn't want to participate in my life and resented doing anything other than lying in front of the TV and sleeping. The only real upsides were financial help and some help with DIY etc.

Living alone is an absolute revelation. You can structure your time as you see fit, you don't need to consider someone else's needs in your planning. You will be doing everything but you won't feel bitter and resentful about the lack of support. You will also almost certainly find that your social life improves vastly due to the lack of limitations.

I would never live with someone again. I'm in a steady relationship with someone now but there's no way on earth I would share domestic space with a man again.

I'm pretty certain that once you get over the initial apprehension you will never look back.

I live alone at the moment and these are the things that make it work for me (most of the time it's wonderful, sometimes it is very lonely but I try and really look after myself / reach out to friends when those moments come).

I got a cat last year which is truly the best thing ever - a stupid little friend who's there when you get home; you can talk to without judgement; and, depending on temperament, will snuggle on your lap when you watch WHATEVER YOU WANT on TV. If you can't get a cat straight away, could you foster one for a little bit? Or get some plants to get you into the routine of caring for something?

I live in a big city, in a borough which has families, young people, etc etc. I means I always feel like I'm surrounded by life and I'm not isolated out in some suburb, surrounded by 2.4-kids-nuclear-families whose social lives involve each other but not me. There's a bit of noise from a nearby pub and the community centre but that's all good, I like knowing people are near. I also live in a "naice" newbuild block of flats and know my neighbours, and am a short bus ride away from other friends.

I'm good for a very full-on social life now but a few years back it was very different after some similar life shifts. A friend advised me not to worry about making friends but just to do activities where I'd be around people; the rest would follow. So I did that and now have folks around me from yoga, ice hockey (really), volunteering and more. You don't have to go into this stuff thinking you'll find your soulmate/best friends - its more about just being with people, chatting, feeding that part of yourself. As someone else says, saying 'yes' to everything will open so many doors; but also really, properly plan so that you know whatever happens, you'll see people/be out doing stuff eg 3 x per week.

Practical stuff: if you're really worried about security, get a Ring doorbell. Get at least 2 x spare keys cut and leave them with friends/someone reliable who you can feasibly get to in an emergency. Local online groups can be good for finding practical stuff - I find them a bit overwhelming but they may be good for you. If you get sick, you can Deliveroo pretty much anything to you door these days.

@SnowyPheasants I am glad you found my thoughts useful. Just to add that I have realised learning to enjoy living alone at this age is a good thing. Many of us will end up living alone, how much better to learn how to enjoy it now than have it forced on you in old age when you may have fewer physical and mental resources to enable you to adjust.

Oh, and try radio 4 to cut through the silence!

I wrote a response to every comment, then copy pasted and lost it: I'm sorry about that! Every comment is appreciated.

You will be doing everything but you won't feel bitter and resentful about the lack of support.
This made so much sense to me. He remembers nothing and everything is down to me. If I don't instigate it, there is no relationship at all. He isn't lazy, just very bachelor like, and I am glad to get out of the spiral of hope.

This xmas I am doing nothing. I am the one who decorates, brings nice things, remembers deadlines, talks about gifts. Not a peep from him. He has not asked me what I would like, so I haven't ordered anything for him. I bought myself a miniature tree from Tesco and a set of nice lights and that's it, it sits beside my bed - i am now in a spare room.

This space is cold and I don't mean the weather.

I am happy to get involved with things out there, when I am feeling stronger. I think the move will be stressful, as they always are, and then I should settle ok. I do intend to get out there and love yoga, art, animals and nature, and have enjoyed volunteering in the past.

You said you can move anywhere due to WFH - where are you thinking of moving to?

I know it sounds daunting but the way you live now sounds quite miserable so this could be a fantastic opportunity for you to go anywhere and do anything you want

God yes it is awful. I have wanted to move for many years and he just digs his heels in. The area is hostile, never used to be but places change. I would not want to remain in this town, it is like it is dying.

For now I could do with sticking to areas accessible by the West Coast mainline (train links) as I won't have a car for a year or so. This could stretch from South Cumbria all the way down to Shropshire. I am currently near Warrington.
Rural sounds nice, but maybe for the future as I don't want to be isolated without wheels.
Semi rural with access to a market town or similar would be good, but it would have to be within my budget.

dnan lived alone from the age of 50-ish, widowed and happy(!) about that .. she had a solid routine, whoever she lived- never drove, but found public transport a source of easy ‘chat’. Prolific card writer and visitor, she had different ‘levels’ of friendship which I think allowed her some solid relationships, but also regular light interaction with people. Not a Christian, but went to a church, and had ‘sociable’ pets like dogs which she joined groups for.
I think most of all it was a mindset- a little like yourself, the alternative seemed worse and so for the most part she saw it it positively!
she had other relationships down the line, but always choose to live alone- she was wary of being used for caring duties, when what she wanted was companionship! She seemed more than just content to me, although I’m sure it had challenges.
she was playing ‘ping pong’ into her 70s at the local village hall, and regularly walked 2 miles a day. Tonnes of Xmas cards every year and went on holiday both alone and with friends every year. But I know she worked hard to cultivate those relationships-
she had routines, like always phoning x on a Monday eve, so that she was easily missed if something happened, which family (far away) we’re grateful for.
If we wanted to see her at Xmas or other times, we often found ourselves working around her social schedule!
so yes- these things are scary and take time, but as a pp, start saying ‘yes’ socially and go out of your way to join clubs etc- may not lead to deep relationships, but it will keep your hand in, and keep that part of yourself practised!

Ping pong sounds fab to me
I do wonder if down the line I will meet someone else, but I don't have a rose tinted view of this. Rather than wondering if someone will want me, I am more concerned as to whether I would want them. I honestly love romance but I'm not sure I want this pattern to unfold again, to have to make room for someone's issues that they often take out on you in one way or another.

Great to hear stories of people going for it alone, and remember, we can be even more alone with a spouse/partner :(

after 10 years we split well he ran off with a younger woman ive been on my own ever since its been 7 almost 8 years ive lived on my own and i love it i would not change it i love being single some get use to some dont to me it was freedom to find the real me i do what i want when i want .